I have a hard time letting go.
Like...a really really hard time.
Anything that has even the slightest sentimental value...say a ticket stub to a movie I saw with friends...or the petals from a rose I received for a good performance...any of that, I store away. I keep forever.
Part of the reason is that I'm afraid to forget. My grandfather had Alzheimer's and I guess watching him go through that really traumatized me. I'm so afraid to forget. I mean...sometimes, I want so badly to forget, I wish that forgetting could just come at will--but not for happy things. I am so scared of forgetting happy moments, of being happy in my life, of loving people and of being loved. I never want to forget those kind of things. So I hold on to fragments of memories to remind myself of the times when I was happy. I keep a time capsule...a...survival kit...just in case I ever need to remember.
That's not the only reason I hold on though.
I have abandonment issues. I guess, maybe, that's part of the reason, too. I hold on to people just as I hold on to things. I keep them. I store them away in my heart, sometimes not speaking to or seeing them for years at a time, but I still keep them. Always.
And the ones that I really love, I really want, I try to keep as close to me as the hair on my head.
But I believe I'm old enough now--
No...not old enough.
I believe that I'm wise enough now that you can't hold on to people that way. You can't hold on to them like keepsakes in a treasure box and preserve them forever. Like hair, people grow and even change.
I can't keep people in my life just to remember happy memories...just to remember the times when I was happy with them, especially when those happy moments have become less and less frequent.
Just like I can't just ignore tangles and split ends and frizz just because I'm attached to the length of my hair.
I feel like cutting my hair will be symbolic of the changes I want to make in my life.
Not just in learning how to let go, but for other reasons as well. I want to become a new person. A better person. I want to take all that I've learned and suffered through in my life and I want to mold that into the person I want to be.
I don't want to be held back by the past anymore. I don't want to be held back by the expectations and assumptions people have about me...I have of me...I want to be someone new.
I want to turn my suffering into strength.
If I recreate myself physically I feel like I can motivate myself mentally and emotionally as well.
At last...the Phoenix transformation personified.
I'm doing a lot of planning about the look I want. Everything from the cut to the exact color. This is a project for me; a piece of art. I'm taking a lot of pride in this creation because I want to take a lot of pride in myself, in who I am.
Does this sound vain?
Maybe.
Maybe it is considered vain to put so much effort in one's physical appearance but my opinions on that have really changed lately. As an artist I know that there is so much power in visuals. This is true for art...why should it not be true for the way that we look as well?
The cut and color I want represents the person I want to be.
I want it short. I want to cut away the past, all the heaviness that has been dragging me down. I want to be light as possible so I can reach out and touch the stars! I want to be sprightly an energetic.
I want to be cute.
I never wanted to be sexy or hot or pretty or sexy or beautiful, gorgeous, or even attractive. All I ever wanted was to be cute. The most flattering compliments to me are when I'm called cute.
There's innocence in cute. There's whimsy, and cheerfulness, and imagination, and purity in cute. There's a childlike nature in cute...a nature I want to hold on to for as long as I can.
Everything else is too grown-up, too adult, too frightening. I hear it and I just feel sad. I developed too fast. I had to grow up too fast. I just want to be cute.
The color I want is a winey reddish purple. It's a colour I've loved since seeing it on the petals of some roses in Central Park one summer. Roses alone are pretty special to me, but the colors that blend to make my desired hair color are all very important. Violet, the color of complete understanding and bliss. Purple, the color of creativity, and thought, and wisdom, and sight, and perception. Red, the color of stability, of family, of survival. All those colours combined is exactly what I want and need.
My mom's Xmas present to me this year is a trip to the salon. I don't think she has any idea how much that means to me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND AND GET A NEW ONE
Seriously. I've been saying that a lot lately. Not just of boyfriends (or girlfriends) but of toxic friends in particular.
If you are dating or friends with someone that makes you feel bad, that makes you feel jealous, that just leaves you with an energy drained ucky feeling every time you are done seeing them.
DUMP THEM
CUT THEM
DEAD THEM
Just
GET RID OF THEM!
They're eating your soul! And there are plenty of other people in the world you can date or be friends with.
Think of him as an old broken computer. Why waste all the time and effort (and money) on fixing it when you can get a new even better computer for the same price and none of the drama?
Sure there's sentimental value, but once you get into all the features that come with the new one you'll forget about all that ;)
If you are dating or friends with someone that makes you feel bad, that makes you feel jealous, that just leaves you with an energy drained ucky feeling every time you are done seeing them.
DUMP THEM
CUT THEM
DEAD THEM
Just
GET RID OF THEM!
They're eating your soul! And there are plenty of other people in the world you can date or be friends with.
Think of him as an old broken computer. Why waste all the time and effort (and money) on fixing it when you can get a new even better computer for the same price and none of the drama?
Sure there's sentimental value, but once you get into all the features that come with the new one you'll forget about all that ;)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Soulmates(?) and reality...
I've wanted to write about this but it just sounds soooo corny...I mean. I really can't even put into words how I really feel about this person and how I believe he feels about me.
We aren't together in the traditional sense and I've said some things out of anger about our "relationship" that I regret (debating on taking down the posts...blah)...
The truth is that this person really makes me happy when we are together and it is the purest, cleanest, most genuine happy I have ever shared with a partner.
In the past I felt I was in love when I obsessed over someone and longed for them so bad I felt sick about it. I did anything for these people, for their approval, for their affection...it was...really just very pitiful. I can't believe I was that person not too long ago.
The love I feel now isn't like that at all. That's what makes me feel like this MUST be the real deal.
The old love made me feel horrible about myself unless I was with whoever it was I was with...essentially...putting myself beneath them.
This love elevates me, not above him, but on an equal plane.
In this love I can feel myself getting better, getting stronger, not because of him no...the power doesn't come form him it comes from...I don't know...it comes from us. The power is mine but I would've never found it if he hadn't pointed it out, does that make sense? He saw something special in me I didn't know was there and showed me and...now I love him AND myself.
Maybe that's what the difference is. I love MYSELF.
I don't think I could say that in any other relationship...but I really really really do love myself now :)
Which is why now when I'm upset I'm quick to beat him up for upsetting me D:<
But however harsh my words may be...I never mean them...at least, not for too long.
In this kind of love forgiveness comes as easy and natural as breathing. I think it's because faith is in my blood. I believe in him. I don't get jealous. I don't distrust him. When he tells me something I know in my heart it's true.
He cannot lie to me because I feel his words. He does not need to speak for me to understand. When he is sad I know because I feel his sadness. When he is happy my smile becomes wider. When he is angry I get anxious be I feel his harsh cold energy zap the air out of the room. He can mask himself from all but me and he knows it which is why he never even tries to hide what it feels from me.
He doesn't need to speak for me to understand. We've had whole conversations with only our eyes. Conversations that words could never do justice to because if eyes are the windows to the soul then when our eyes meet our souls dance together with sensational passion.
I don't want to say soulmates. Because that just sounds stupid. And I feel like...the misuse of that term just cheapens our connection. So like the label for our relationship now I choose to call our relationship nothing. It just is. And I think it's beautiful and the greatest power I've ever held.
It is that power that has caused us trouble...and for those who know us and have wondered about our "divide" your nosyness is about to be rewarded lol.
T...erm...the tiger loves me. He really does. He doesn't have to say it for me to know it's true. Like I said I feel it in his energy. In his look...in his touch...in the way he moves...dripping from every word he speaks to me--even those spoken out of frustration I hear and I feel and I see his love, his respect, his reverence. Texts messages and e-mails turn feelings mute and cold. It's hard to tell sometimes what people really mean in them--even with our connection this remains true for us as well. But when I'm with him in person, I know. I feel it so deeply that any shadow of a doubt that may have snuck its way in the corners of my mind is immediately snuffed out. Call me young, naive, a romantic, whatever, I don't care--but until you've felt what I feel you could never understand.
Anyway, the point is, the tiger loves me and there is no way anyone can make me think or believe otherwise.
I love him just as truly.
That wasn't the problem with our relationship. If we had nothing but the two of us we would have been just fine.
The problem was...reality...and how much it sucks to live in it (then people wonder why I like to stow away in my head).
Reality hit the tiger hard. More than he could handle at one time. I won't get into the details of it since that is his life and not my story to tell.
But, opinionated and stubborn as we were, we both devised very smart but very different ways of tackling the reality problem.
In his opinion he needed to isolate himself. He needed to cut off everything excessive and focus on getting everything back on track. Commendable and smart, certainly. But one of his biggest problems was that he wasn't handling our relationship the way he would like to. He felt he was bringing me down. He felt like he wasn't giving me what I needed. He wasn't giving enough to our relationships. He wasn't helping it thrive. He was afraid if he held on to it, it would die.
He didn't want to kill us...so he let me go in hopes that...someway or another, it would save us.
He was right to feel this way. Being with him since he had been...attacked by reality...has been difficult and often very lonely. Not at all what I was used to with him.
I'm not saying that he's wrong at all for ending it, but...that's just...that's just not what I believe in.
I love him. I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. He makes me happy and I will do anything to give that back to him.
Love to me...true love, it's not about what you can out of it...it's not even about what you can give--it's about what you can SHARE together to lift each other up.
When I was sad and scared, when I was hurt, and he was okay he lifted me up. He didn't turn his back on me. I showed him my emotional scars, my dark side, and he stayed with me. He refused to leave my side. He promised to never abandon me no matter what hardships came my way.
So how could I ever do that to him?!
How could I turn my back on the one man that always had mine?!
How could he ask me to leave him behind when he would never do that to me.
I can't. I can't do that.
I used to find marriage as silly and cliche as talk of soulmates and true love, but not anymore not with the values that marriage is supposed to stand for.
For better or for worse, through sickness and in health--I believe in that to my core.
When you love someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your partner, whoever...whoever it is. When you really love them with all your heart you don't leave them. You don't ever leave them, no matter what.
When someone you love is hurting...is struggling...that is when you need to be the most selfless...that is when you need to put "you" aside and focus on them because that's when they need your love the most. I'm not a fair weather lover. I cannot just walk away when I know someone I love needs support.
All I have to offer him is my love...and I wish...I wish that was enough to make things better, but it isn't. I hope at least that it gives him strength to get through this. I believe it does because...love, you know, love is a pretty damn powerful thing. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize that it's not enough...but I can't lose faith in its power.
"If you love something let it go, and if it doesn't return it was never really yours."
That's what he's living by.
"For better, for worse. Through sickness and in health. As long as you both shall live."
That's what I'm living by.
So who's wrong?
No one. Reality...is not so black and white...is not...so easy to understand.
It's hard. But I keep fighting. He stays resolute in his decision to separate, but I still keep fighting...not to change his mind but to change his life, to do all I can to help things become right again--even if that means standing down and fading into the background.
There is a strong voice inside me that helps me keep faith. That tells me that I need to stay strong for him and even though it's hard sometimes...I do. Because I believe in us. I believe that what we have is worth fighting for, is worth saving, is something most people only ever dream of having, and I'm not letting go! I'm never letting go. Not until he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and his eyes say its true. After all I've been through, after what I've seen, I know that this is something special.
Nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Witnessing him go through this has made me want to work harder at my own life so if and when he does finally make it through we won't have to go through it all again.
I feel stupid to say that I'm waiting for him but...the truth is I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I'd rather be alone than with another and you know what, that's probably good for me right now anyway. Get my head straight. I'm not waiting, but I'm not going off with the purpose of finding another either. I'm just here. Just me. Doing what feels right to me. What my heart and my soul and, hell, even my min are saying I should do.
And if he never makes it through well...
I will treasure what we shared forever and never regret it. I don't know if I'll ever feel it again with another...I don't know if that's possible, but I understand I'm still very young. Who knows what is out there? I don't...if he never makes it through and we're never "officially together" again I hope that I can at least have him in my life. That's all I want and all I need to be happy. His presence.
We aren't together in the traditional sense and I've said some things out of anger about our "relationship" that I regret (debating on taking down the posts...blah)...
The truth is that this person really makes me happy when we are together and it is the purest, cleanest, most genuine happy I have ever shared with a partner.
In the past I felt I was in love when I obsessed over someone and longed for them so bad I felt sick about it. I did anything for these people, for their approval, for their affection...it was...really just very pitiful. I can't believe I was that person not too long ago.
The love I feel now isn't like that at all. That's what makes me feel like this MUST be the real deal.
The old love made me feel horrible about myself unless I was with whoever it was I was with...essentially...putting myself beneath them.
This love elevates me, not above him, but on an equal plane.
In this love I can feel myself getting better, getting stronger, not because of him no...the power doesn't come form him it comes from...I don't know...it comes from us. The power is mine but I would've never found it if he hadn't pointed it out, does that make sense? He saw something special in me I didn't know was there and showed me and...now I love him AND myself.
Maybe that's what the difference is. I love MYSELF.
I don't think I could say that in any other relationship...but I really really really do love myself now :)
Which is why now when I'm upset I'm quick to beat him up for upsetting me D:<
But however harsh my words may be...I never mean them...at least, not for too long.
In this kind of love forgiveness comes as easy and natural as breathing. I think it's because faith is in my blood. I believe in him. I don't get jealous. I don't distrust him. When he tells me something I know in my heart it's true.
He cannot lie to me because I feel his words. He does not need to speak for me to understand. When he is sad I know because I feel his sadness. When he is happy my smile becomes wider. When he is angry I get anxious be I feel his harsh cold energy zap the air out of the room. He can mask himself from all but me and he knows it which is why he never even tries to hide what it feels from me.
He doesn't need to speak for me to understand. We've had whole conversations with only our eyes. Conversations that words could never do justice to because if eyes are the windows to the soul then when our eyes meet our souls dance together with sensational passion.
I don't want to say soulmates. Because that just sounds stupid. And I feel like...the misuse of that term just cheapens our connection. So like the label for our relationship now I choose to call our relationship nothing. It just is. And I think it's beautiful and the greatest power I've ever held.
It is that power that has caused us trouble...and for those who know us and have wondered about our "divide" your nosyness is about to be rewarded lol.
T...erm...the tiger loves me. He really does. He doesn't have to say it for me to know it's true. Like I said I feel it in his energy. In his look...in his touch...in the way he moves...dripping from every word he speaks to me--even those spoken out of frustration I hear and I feel and I see his love, his respect, his reverence. Texts messages and e-mails turn feelings mute and cold. It's hard to tell sometimes what people really mean in them--even with our connection this remains true for us as well. But when I'm with him in person, I know. I feel it so deeply that any shadow of a doubt that may have snuck its way in the corners of my mind is immediately snuffed out. Call me young, naive, a romantic, whatever, I don't care--but until you've felt what I feel you could never understand.
Anyway, the point is, the tiger loves me and there is no way anyone can make me think or believe otherwise.
I love him just as truly.
That wasn't the problem with our relationship. If we had nothing but the two of us we would have been just fine.
The problem was...reality...and how much it sucks to live in it (then people wonder why I like to stow away in my head).
Reality hit the tiger hard. More than he could handle at one time. I won't get into the details of it since that is his life and not my story to tell.
But, opinionated and stubborn as we were, we both devised very smart but very different ways of tackling the reality problem.
In his opinion he needed to isolate himself. He needed to cut off everything excessive and focus on getting everything back on track. Commendable and smart, certainly. But one of his biggest problems was that he wasn't handling our relationship the way he would like to. He felt he was bringing me down. He felt like he wasn't giving me what I needed. He wasn't giving enough to our relationships. He wasn't helping it thrive. He was afraid if he held on to it, it would die.
He didn't want to kill us...so he let me go in hopes that...someway or another, it would save us.
He was right to feel this way. Being with him since he had been...attacked by reality...has been difficult and often very lonely. Not at all what I was used to with him.
I'm not saying that he's wrong at all for ending it, but...that's just...that's just not what I believe in.
I love him. I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. He makes me happy and I will do anything to give that back to him.
Love to me...true love, it's not about what you can out of it...it's not even about what you can give--it's about what you can SHARE together to lift each other up.
When I was sad and scared, when I was hurt, and he was okay he lifted me up. He didn't turn his back on me. I showed him my emotional scars, my dark side, and he stayed with me. He refused to leave my side. He promised to never abandon me no matter what hardships came my way.
So how could I ever do that to him?!
How could I turn my back on the one man that always had mine?!
How could he ask me to leave him behind when he would never do that to me.
I can't. I can't do that.
I used to find marriage as silly and cliche as talk of soulmates and true love, but not anymore not with the values that marriage is supposed to stand for.
For better or for worse, through sickness and in health--I believe in that to my core.
When you love someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your partner, whoever...whoever it is. When you really love them with all your heart you don't leave them. You don't ever leave them, no matter what.
When someone you love is hurting...is struggling...that is when you need to be the most selfless...that is when you need to put "you" aside and focus on them because that's when they need your love the most. I'm not a fair weather lover. I cannot just walk away when I know someone I love needs support.
All I have to offer him is my love...and I wish...I wish that was enough to make things better, but it isn't. I hope at least that it gives him strength to get through this. I believe it does because...love, you know, love is a pretty damn powerful thing. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize that it's not enough...but I can't lose faith in its power.
"If you love something let it go, and if it doesn't return it was never really yours."
That's what he's living by.
"For better, for worse. Through sickness and in health. As long as you both shall live."
That's what I'm living by.
So who's wrong?
No one. Reality...is not so black and white...is not...so easy to understand.
It's hard. But I keep fighting. He stays resolute in his decision to separate, but I still keep fighting...not to change his mind but to change his life, to do all I can to help things become right again--even if that means standing down and fading into the background.
There is a strong voice inside me that helps me keep faith. That tells me that I need to stay strong for him and even though it's hard sometimes...I do. Because I believe in us. I believe that what we have is worth fighting for, is worth saving, is something most people only ever dream of having, and I'm not letting go! I'm never letting go. Not until he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and his eyes say its true. After all I've been through, after what I've seen, I know that this is something special.
Nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Witnessing him go through this has made me want to work harder at my own life so if and when he does finally make it through we won't have to go through it all again.
I feel stupid to say that I'm waiting for him but...the truth is I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I'd rather be alone than with another and you know what, that's probably good for me right now anyway. Get my head straight. I'm not waiting, but I'm not going off with the purpose of finding another either. I'm just here. Just me. Doing what feels right to me. What my heart and my soul and, hell, even my min are saying I should do.
And if he never makes it through well...
I will treasure what we shared forever and never regret it. I don't know if I'll ever feel it again with another...I don't know if that's possible, but I understand I'm still very young. Who knows what is out there? I don't...if he never makes it through and we're never "officially together" again I hope that I can at least have him in my life. That's all I want and all I need to be happy. His presence.
Boyfriends & "Boyfriends"
With all the advice and the "wisdom" and the blablablah that I give out to all of you and with all of my begging you to share your stories---I have noticed that I have not been so forthcoming with you.
Sure I've ranted a little bit here and there, but for the most part I've purposely left it vague, open, and somewhat impersonal. This is for a few reasons, among which is because the person I care about now likes to keep things private and I {try} to respect that.
So I'm going to try and be a bit more open about my history with this little story about my relationships :P
You'll have to use your imagination a lot to get through it because my mind is very...animated.
Heehee....
******
I used to hate boys.
I used to hate boys because, I think, I used to want to be a boy.
They got to do all the fun stuff and wear the comfy clothes and get the cool toys and all the best shows on TV were made for them.
I love Hot Wheels, and baggy jeans, and big t-shirts, and Dragonball Z.
I hated make-up, and dresses, and the color pink, and doing my hair.
I would pick up worms, and play fight all the other kids, and talk back, and get dirty.
I never talked about all that girly girl crap, or cried when someone picked on me (and if I did cry you bet I made them pay for it!), or painted my nails for fun.
"Boys are stupid!"
Boys are...lucky...awesome...so cool...get everything!
I swore I would never ever ever ever evereverever date a boy.
I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 14.
I say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because it was...
(...as nerdy as it seems {I did mention before I was a nerd right?})
...an online relationship
that lasted 4 years.
I also say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because...
...teenagers are fucking stupid and don't know anything about relationships or love. They think cus they've watched all the Disney movies they can get their hands on and maybe a few episodes of Baywatch or 90210 or One Tree Hill or (c'mon Sam...what do teenagers watch nowadays??? LMFAO...) Gossip Girl(?) or I don't know...I guess some of that reality TV crap...what was my point?
Oh yeah. Teenagers think just cus they got a little hint of the adult life mixed in with their childhood glamorization of what it means to grow-up and fall in love they know everything.
They don't fucking know anything.
In fact, I'm not even saying people my age know anything.
Generally speaking, young people are...
...idiots.
At least when it comes to love.
Anyway.
I also say "boyfriend" instead of boyfriend because...
...out of the four years we were together I saw him in person maybe 4 times.
Now don't get me wrong. An intellectual relationship is just as important as a physical relationship....but not more important. Through my experience I find that there are certain things that just cannot be said or felt or understood unless you're physically with someone.
A relationship that lacks face-to-face presence lacks a lot.
I love him. Or at least I thought I did....
No I loved him. I still love him...in a certain way...a special way, but not in an "in love" sort of way.
I think I was with him because that's what normal girls were supposed to do. Have boyfriends.
He made me happy.
When I talk to him, he still makes me happy (we've recently become friends again).
He is genuinely a good person and honestly...there just aren't enough of those in the world.
I was happy to have him in my life because my teen years were among the darkest and hardest I've ever felt and he was a constant light in a shadows; the voice of a guardian angel pushing me to move on.
And I did push on...all the way to college...
When I slayed that angel to team up with the devil.
There were signs.
There were so many signs that I shouldn't have done it.
Trying to stop me....
The letters of our name spelled "trouble."
A diamond in the ring the angel gave me fell out when I was with the devil.
A necklace the angel gave me mysteriously and without any force or pull snapped around my neck and fell to the ground in the devil's presence.
In my animated world the devil (long before I saw him for what he was) took on the persona of a tall lanky shadow figure with no notable features except is pointy horn like ears, long claws, and evil Cheshire cat smile.
There were so many signs to stay away...
But my self destructive nature ignored all that and stepped deep into the darkness.
The devil stole two years of my life and a large portion of my soul.
He took it and shredded it before my eyes and devoured it raw.
He killed me many times. I used to be a black cat. He ate eight of my nine lives.
With each life lost I forgot more and more about who I used to be...who I wanted to be...who I was. I had no dreams, no ambitions, I was a ghost.
No.
Worse than a ghost.
Must've been.
Because ghosts...ghosts have something they hold on to in order to keep themselves tethered to this world. I had nothing, wanted nothing. My life was so so empty.
The devil got drunk of my life energy, my soul, my dreams, he ate me alive.
Until I was on my last life.
He tried to take it...He tried to stomp my light out for good. Gobble me up so that I was no more and so that he could move on to the next.
But a fire ignited in my chest...
I realize now it was the remnants of my soul fighting for life.
The black cat ran away...all the way to Italy to escape the devil.
Thank God for customs, visas, metal detectors, and outrageous plane ticket prices or the devil may have gotten me. ;)
The black cat may have gotten away...but I was wounded and I could not heal fast enough.
I tried to give what was left of my heart to a few in hopes that one of them might save me. These were neither "boyfriends" or boyfriends but...
Rebounds.
Sad...
Regrettable...
Rebounds...
None of which made me better. In fact...the shame of it all was what stomped the black cat's lights out for good.
I died in Italy.
My corpse laid rotting, smelling, and disgusting...it was so sickening the ghost of me lit it on fire and stomped it out.
But from the black cat's ashes two creatures sprung; the dark cynical and clever fox, and the fiery beautiful, yet naive phoenix. My soul was reborn again--but it was divided. My heart and mind were now ruled by the two opposing forces of my soul.
When I returned to the states the fox wanted to play wicked games with other people. It did not want to hurt or be toyed with but wasn't necessarily opposed to hurting or toying with others. It stood proudly, pretending not to care at all about the world around it, but shook its beautiful shiny red tail around to make sure attention was had.
A naive little pup took the bait and tagged along.
The fox me found the pup to be a pest but at the same time amusing enough to not shoo away completely. The phoenix was charmed and adored the pup immediately.
The fox warned the phoenix not to fall in love.
But the phoenix didn't listen.
The pup wasn't a boyfriend or a "boyfriend" but a {boyfriend}. That's when the {boyfriend} is silent. For example; this is {my boyfriend} Pup.
The phoenix in me was still so young and naive. It still craved love and attention and, in truth, the pup was kinder and gentler and sweeter than the devil ever was.
Naive as I was I fell for the bait.
I believe that because he was so kind to me (at first) he was somewhat of a savior (sad I know). I became so reliant on him his love, his affection, his attention, were all like a drug to me. I felt I needed it to survive. If he wasn't there...if he wasn't with me...my light would burn out again. I was scared to turn to ash.
I suffocated him with my drug addict love and as the pup grew into a dog he grew tired of the phoenix. He really wanted the fox, but the fox loathed him. She had hidden herself away inside me, waiting for the right moment to lash out. All that was left was the baby phoenix. The dog disapproved, jumped the fence, and ran away in search of new foxes to chase.
I was devastated. I moped and moped and moped....even though the dog was a {boyfriend} he had felt like a boyfriend to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was only ever just a "boyfriend"....actually worse than that...a "{boyfriend}"
"{Boyfriends}" are only there when they want to be, never when you need them.
"{Boyfriends}" hate when you call them "boyfriends" and especially when you call them boyfriends because they're just "{boyfriends}"
BUT
They're quick to call you "girlfriend" or girlfriend when their territory is threatened.
See...
"{Boyfriends}" want all of the fun and none of the responsibility.
"{Boyfriends}" want lots of "girlfriends" and {girlfriends} but they can't handle "{girlfriends}" because that would mean that their games are being played on them.
I've lost you haven't I?
Let me pause for a second to give you a lesson in Sam's Relaitonshipology.
Boyfriends are the simplest. They're just boyfriends. You call them your boyfriend, they respond to being your boyfriend. When you introduce them you say, "This is my boyfriend, Soandso."
"Boyfriends" are slightly more complicated. There are a few categories to them but they're all called "boyfriends." "Boyfriends" are boyfriends that (1) don't really count all that much; elementary school and a good portion of high school relationships may be counted in this, (2) someone you're embarrassed to be your boyfriend, (3) someone you call your boyfriend and...it's okay...but it's not necessarily true. Generally speaking (1) is the best explanation, a relationship that is superficial and doesn't really count for much but you get to use the title of boyfriend anyway.
Then there's {boyfriends} someone who acts like a boyfriend but the title of boyfriend was never officially given. The biggest problem with {boyfriends} is that you can't get mad at them for being bad boyfriends, because they're not boyfriends, they're {boyfriends}. {Boyfriends} can range anywhere from a secret affair to a guy that's two-timing you to an ex-boyfriend that you still have lingering feelings for. For this reason {boyfriends} can either be good or evil. However...
"{Boyfriends}" should be avoided at all costs. These are the worst of the worst. This type will deny deny deny being your "boyfriend" until it is most convenient for them. They SUCK MAJOR. When they want to go out and they want to see other people they will say things like "well it's not like I'm you're boyfriend...we aren't really together you know." BUT when you want to turn around and do the same thing to them they'll say "but...you know...I consider myself your boyfriend. I care about you a lot." WTF. "{Boyfriends}" are the personification of the trying to have your cake and eating it too.
Little fuckers.
(Do you sense my bitterness and resentment?)
So the dog went from {boyfriend} to "{boyfriend}" and broke the baby phoenix's heart. That's when the fox re-emerged and gave the phoenix a good ol' bitchslap to the beak.
The fox swore it would never be hurt again and without realizing sought out the perfect boyfriend.
This boyfriend had had his share of girlfriends, "girlfriends," {girlfriends}, and "{girlfriend}" and he was tired.
I met him and an instant union was created. For the first time ever I felt like I was in love and not "love." It wasn't that drug addict love, or that disney fairytale love, it was that hard love.
That...you-make-me-so-mad-sometimes but I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-ever-stay-mad-at-you love.
That...I-understand-you-even-though-you-didn't-say-anything love.
That...I-don't-agree-with-what-you-just-said but I-genuinely-respect-your-opinion love.
That...You-REALLY-DO-make-me-better love.
That...Damn-the-cliches but I-never-believed-in-soulmates...til-I-met-you love.
That...Shit-every-thought-I-have-about-you-is-a-love-poem love.
And I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending.
I...united with a true boyfriend at last....a true love at last.
I wish I could say, "and they lived happily ever after."
The End.
But what people don't seem to get is that in life there are no happily ever afters.
A curtain doesn't fall when you get the guy (or girl).
We don't freeze frame a smiling couple at a wedding in real life.
We don't fade to black and show a slide show of happy images of a new blossoming family as the credits roll.
That's not how life works.
There is no such thing as "happily ever after..."
As cynical as it sounds it's true.
Life is hard and bad things happens. Everything in life changes. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry, we feel lonely, we feel joy...we are always changing.
And that's okay.
My love for the last...let's call him my tiger. My love for the tiger has only strengthened over time. I do not call him my boyfriend anymore or my "boyfriend." I suppose in a way he is a {boyfriend} but to me he feels so much more than that. Our relationship transcends labels you see...for the first time ever I don't care what I call him. I don't have to call him anything. He doesn't need a title...he just needs to be there.
I can live my life without him. I can find happiness elsewhere. I can meet new people. I can find a whole array of "boyfriends" and boyfriends and {boyfriends} and plenty of "{boyfriends}". But...I don't want to. I'm content with solely his presence in my life...however large or small it may be...
I could go on and on about it...I can even go into how upset I get when these statements feel untrue to me for whatever reason...but blah...it's unnecessary.
I suppose the moral of the story is...if I had just stopped looking for boyfriends and just opened up to connecting to other people without any intention of labeling our relationships I feel I would have avoided a lot of unfavorable situations in my life and may have cherished some new ones.
Who knows what I would have done. All I know is what I can do now. And that's be happy and grateful for the people that are in my life who make me happy and make me feel good. Those people are important...and I don't care what label people in the future may come with...if they don't make me happy they're out...end of story.
Sure I've ranted a little bit here and there, but for the most part I've purposely left it vague, open, and somewhat impersonal. This is for a few reasons, among which is because the person I care about now likes to keep things private and I {try} to respect that.
So I'm going to try and be a bit more open about my history with this little story about my relationships :P
You'll have to use your imagination a lot to get through it because my mind is very...animated.
Heehee....
******
I used to hate boys.
I used to hate boys because, I think, I used to want to be a boy.
They got to do all the fun stuff and wear the comfy clothes and get the cool toys and all the best shows on TV were made for them.
I love Hot Wheels, and baggy jeans, and big t-shirts, and Dragonball Z.
I hated make-up, and dresses, and the color pink, and doing my hair.
I would pick up worms, and play fight all the other kids, and talk back, and get dirty.
I never talked about all that girly girl crap, or cried when someone picked on me (and if I did cry you bet I made them pay for it!), or painted my nails for fun.
"Boys are stupid!"
Boys are...lucky...awesome...so cool...get everything!
I swore I would never ever ever ever evereverever date a boy.
I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 14.
I say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because it was...
(...as nerdy as it seems {I did mention before I was a nerd right?})
...an online relationship
that lasted 4 years.
I also say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because...
...teenagers are fucking stupid and don't know anything about relationships or love. They think cus they've watched all the Disney movies they can get their hands on and maybe a few episodes of Baywatch or 90210 or One Tree Hill or (c'mon Sam...what do teenagers watch nowadays??? LMFAO...) Gossip Girl(?) or I don't know...I guess some of that reality TV crap...what was my point?
Oh yeah. Teenagers think just cus they got a little hint of the adult life mixed in with their childhood glamorization of what it means to grow-up and fall in love they know everything.
They don't fucking know anything.
In fact, I'm not even saying people my age know anything.
Generally speaking, young people are...
...idiots.
At least when it comes to love.
Anyway.
I also say "boyfriend" instead of boyfriend because...
...out of the four years we were together I saw him in person maybe 4 times.
Now don't get me wrong. An intellectual relationship is just as important as a physical relationship....but not more important. Through my experience I find that there are certain things that just cannot be said or felt or understood unless you're physically with someone.
A relationship that lacks face-to-face presence lacks a lot.
I love him. Or at least I thought I did....
No I loved him. I still love him...in a certain way...a special way, but not in an "in love" sort of way.
I think I was with him because that's what normal girls were supposed to do. Have boyfriends.
He made me happy.
When I talk to him, he still makes me happy (we've recently become friends again).
He is genuinely a good person and honestly...there just aren't enough of those in the world.
I was happy to have him in my life because my teen years were among the darkest and hardest I've ever felt and he was a constant light in a shadows; the voice of a guardian angel pushing me to move on.
And I did push on...all the way to college...
When I slayed that angel to team up with the devil.
There were signs.
There were so many signs that I shouldn't have done it.
Trying to stop me....
The letters of our name spelled "trouble."
A diamond in the ring the angel gave me fell out when I was with the devil.
A necklace the angel gave me mysteriously and without any force or pull snapped around my neck and fell to the ground in the devil's presence.
In my animated world the devil (long before I saw him for what he was) took on the persona of a tall lanky shadow figure with no notable features except is pointy horn like ears, long claws, and evil Cheshire cat smile.
There were so many signs to stay away...
But my self destructive nature ignored all that and stepped deep into the darkness.
The devil stole two years of my life and a large portion of my soul.
He took it and shredded it before my eyes and devoured it raw.
He killed me many times. I used to be a black cat. He ate eight of my nine lives.
With each life lost I forgot more and more about who I used to be...who I wanted to be...who I was. I had no dreams, no ambitions, I was a ghost.
No.
Worse than a ghost.
Must've been.
Because ghosts...ghosts have something they hold on to in order to keep themselves tethered to this world. I had nothing, wanted nothing. My life was so so empty.
The devil got drunk of my life energy, my soul, my dreams, he ate me alive.
Until I was on my last life.
He tried to take it...He tried to stomp my light out for good. Gobble me up so that I was no more and so that he could move on to the next.
But a fire ignited in my chest...
I realize now it was the remnants of my soul fighting for life.
The black cat ran away...all the way to Italy to escape the devil.
Thank God for customs, visas, metal detectors, and outrageous plane ticket prices or the devil may have gotten me. ;)
The black cat may have gotten away...but I was wounded and I could not heal fast enough.
I tried to give what was left of my heart to a few in hopes that one of them might save me. These were neither "boyfriends" or boyfriends but...
Rebounds.
Sad...
Regrettable...
Rebounds...
None of which made me better. In fact...the shame of it all was what stomped the black cat's lights out for good.
I died in Italy.
My corpse laid rotting, smelling, and disgusting...it was so sickening the ghost of me lit it on fire and stomped it out.
But from the black cat's ashes two creatures sprung; the dark cynical and clever fox, and the fiery beautiful, yet naive phoenix. My soul was reborn again--but it was divided. My heart and mind were now ruled by the two opposing forces of my soul.
When I returned to the states the fox wanted to play wicked games with other people. It did not want to hurt or be toyed with but wasn't necessarily opposed to hurting or toying with others. It stood proudly, pretending not to care at all about the world around it, but shook its beautiful shiny red tail around to make sure attention was had.
A naive little pup took the bait and tagged along.
The fox me found the pup to be a pest but at the same time amusing enough to not shoo away completely. The phoenix was charmed and adored the pup immediately.
The fox warned the phoenix not to fall in love.
But the phoenix didn't listen.
The pup wasn't a boyfriend or a "boyfriend" but a {boyfriend}. That's when the {boyfriend} is silent. For example; this is {my boyfriend} Pup.
The phoenix in me was still so young and naive. It still craved love and attention and, in truth, the pup was kinder and gentler and sweeter than the devil ever was.
Naive as I was I fell for the bait.
I believe that because he was so kind to me (at first) he was somewhat of a savior (sad I know). I became so reliant on him his love, his affection, his attention, were all like a drug to me. I felt I needed it to survive. If he wasn't there...if he wasn't with me...my light would burn out again. I was scared to turn to ash.
I suffocated him with my drug addict love and as the pup grew into a dog he grew tired of the phoenix. He really wanted the fox, but the fox loathed him. She had hidden herself away inside me, waiting for the right moment to lash out. All that was left was the baby phoenix. The dog disapproved, jumped the fence, and ran away in search of new foxes to chase.
I was devastated. I moped and moped and moped....even though the dog was a {boyfriend} he had felt like a boyfriend to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was only ever just a "boyfriend"....actually worse than that...a "{boyfriend}"
"{Boyfriends}" are only there when they want to be, never when you need them.
"{Boyfriends}" hate when you call them "boyfriends" and especially when you call them boyfriends because they're just "{boyfriends}"
BUT
They're quick to call you "girlfriend" or girlfriend when their territory is threatened.
See...
"{Boyfriends}" want all of the fun and none of the responsibility.
"{Boyfriends}" want lots of "girlfriends" and {girlfriends} but they can't handle "{girlfriends}" because that would mean that their games are being played on them.
I've lost you haven't I?
Let me pause for a second to give you a lesson in Sam's Relaitonshipology.
Boyfriends are the simplest. They're just boyfriends. You call them your boyfriend, they respond to being your boyfriend. When you introduce them you say, "This is my boyfriend, Soandso."
"Boyfriends" are slightly more complicated. There are a few categories to them but they're all called "boyfriends." "Boyfriends" are boyfriends that (1) don't really count all that much; elementary school and a good portion of high school relationships may be counted in this, (2) someone you're embarrassed to be your boyfriend, (3) someone you call your boyfriend and...it's okay...but it's not necessarily true. Generally speaking (1) is the best explanation, a relationship that is superficial and doesn't really count for much but you get to use the title of boyfriend anyway.
Then there's {boyfriends} someone who acts like a boyfriend but the title of boyfriend was never officially given. The biggest problem with {boyfriends} is that you can't get mad at them for being bad boyfriends, because they're not boyfriends, they're {boyfriends}. {Boyfriends} can range anywhere from a secret affair to a guy that's two-timing you to an ex-boyfriend that you still have lingering feelings for. For this reason {boyfriends} can either be good or evil. However...
"{Boyfriends}" should be avoided at all costs. These are the worst of the worst. This type will deny deny deny being your "boyfriend" until it is most convenient for them. They SUCK MAJOR. When they want to go out and they want to see other people they will say things like "well it's not like I'm you're boyfriend...we aren't really together you know." BUT when you want to turn around and do the same thing to them they'll say "but...you know...I consider myself your boyfriend. I care about you a lot." WTF. "{Boyfriends}" are the personification of the trying to have your cake and eating it too.
Little fuckers.
(Do you sense my bitterness and resentment?)
So the dog went from {boyfriend} to "{boyfriend}" and broke the baby phoenix's heart. That's when the fox re-emerged and gave the phoenix a good ol' bitchslap to the beak.
The fox swore it would never be hurt again and without realizing sought out the perfect boyfriend.
This boyfriend had had his share of girlfriends, "girlfriends," {girlfriends}, and "{girlfriend}" and he was tired.
I met him and an instant union was created. For the first time ever I felt like I was in love and not "love." It wasn't that drug addict love, or that disney fairytale love, it was that hard love.
That...you-make-me-so-mad-sometimes but I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-ever-stay-mad-at-you love.
That...I-understand-you-even-though-you-didn't-say-anything love.
That...I-don't-agree-with-what-you-just-said but I-genuinely-respect-your-opinion love.
That...You-REALLY-DO-make-me-better love.
That...Damn-the-cliches but I-never-believed-in-soulmates...til-I-met-you love.
That...Shit-every-thought-I-have-about-you-is-a-love-poem love.
And I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending.
I...united with a true boyfriend at last....a true love at last.
I wish I could say, "and they lived happily ever after."
The End.
But what people don't seem to get is that in life there are no happily ever afters.
A curtain doesn't fall when you get the guy (or girl).
We don't freeze frame a smiling couple at a wedding in real life.
We don't fade to black and show a slide show of happy images of a new blossoming family as the credits roll.
That's not how life works.
There is no such thing as "happily ever after..."
As cynical as it sounds it's true.
Life is hard and bad things happens. Everything in life changes. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry, we feel lonely, we feel joy...we are always changing.
And that's okay.
My love for the last...let's call him my tiger. My love for the tiger has only strengthened over time. I do not call him my boyfriend anymore or my "boyfriend." I suppose in a way he is a {boyfriend} but to me he feels so much more than that. Our relationship transcends labels you see...for the first time ever I don't care what I call him. I don't have to call him anything. He doesn't need a title...he just needs to be there.
I can live my life without him. I can find happiness elsewhere. I can meet new people. I can find a whole array of "boyfriends" and boyfriends and {boyfriends} and plenty of "{boyfriends}". But...I don't want to. I'm content with solely his presence in my life...however large or small it may be...
I could go on and on about it...I can even go into how upset I get when these statements feel untrue to me for whatever reason...but blah...it's unnecessary.
I suppose the moral of the story is...if I had just stopped looking for boyfriends and just opened up to connecting to other people without any intention of labeling our relationships I feel I would have avoided a lot of unfavorable situations in my life and may have cherished some new ones.
Who knows what I would have done. All I know is what I can do now. And that's be happy and grateful for the people that are in my life who make me happy and make me feel good. Those people are important...and I don't care what label people in the future may come with...if they don't make me happy they're out...end of story.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The I think I want you back letter. . .
. . . I was five seconds away from feeding some asshole's ego, but Samantha told me to, 'Get the FUCK over it'
I'm not being mean. . . just Jazmine.
Not Jak, Jak's too silly and emotional.
I hate to give and give and give and not receive. I also hate cutting people from my life, I really do, but I know when to hold on and when to let go. . . I hate mind fucks and mirror men and china dolls (say little to them don't give them any air to breath in your life they really steal your souls. . . or at least they make me hollow man, voidless-Jak). I realise now that I maybe detrimental in a person life (we can't all be heros someone has to play the villan), I may be a mind fuck, too, I also maybe vibrations in a person's pond, so I've let go. . .
*You told me birds just flock to you. And I'm the queen of the coop. < which is just freakin' mean.
*You told me that you were tired of dating pushy women. < you wrote and said this quite often and just before I left.
*You also wished pregnancy on me. . . you don't remember this. You also don't remember a painting I gave you and you gave me a BP Oil Spill apology attached to an I don't remember.
*You also said you wanted to be inside my mind, but never even asked me a question. . . I felt like I was always asking the questions. < WTF
^ this made me feel like a psycho for 1 month. . . then it snapped I don't give a fuck. Whatever-the fuck. Like a fuck you type a fuck like that poem I wrote 5 yrs ago when I was a teenager type fuck-you. Then I thought there's no point in hating someone, so you're white space (and I don't even know you, really, to hate you.)
I HATE when people talk about other people behind their backs, seriously, even little things. You should be able to talk to your friends about anything even if it hurts. I said, 'don't make it like Africa,' to you . . . but you talked about your friends, then I met them and all I could think about is what you said about them. . . aauughh I hate that ( you said one of his roommates was not the best of dads he said that his daughter called you dad once or something, so just fucking tell him that sheesh. I also couldn't stop wondering what the hell were you saying about me. . . It's like being self concious, who the hell wants to be self concious. . . ?
^this is a mind fuck and a game.
I HATE when people lie ! For fucks sakes if you made a mistake you made a mistake don't be a child about it. All that 'I don't remember' crap is bogus.
But I did wrong too I shouldn't talk to an ex-friend's friends, not that I bad mouthed bc that's gay, but my energy was off. . . and it's like trying to ostracize someone, that's fucked up. I told one of his friend's that she has a "murky aura" in a card, which I meant as conflicted b/c she always had a headache and was angry about some stupid guy, but . . . who the fuck am I? so I'm sorry. Then I wrote her some stupid Jak shit so she would leave me alone something about the government controlling lying on the pigs. Jak-shit is weird when you don't know me so sorry.
And above all I called you evil no one's evil. People are just fucked up, I'm fucked up, too. Let's leave it at that.
I'm not being mean. . . just Jazmine.
Not Jak, Jak's too silly and emotional.
I hate to give and give and give and not receive. I also hate cutting people from my life, I really do, but I know when to hold on and when to let go. . . I hate mind fucks and mirror men and china dolls (say little to them don't give them any air to breath in your life they really steal your souls. . . or at least they make me hollow man, voidless-Jak). I realise now that I maybe detrimental in a person life (we can't all be heros someone has to play the villan), I may be a mind fuck, too, I also maybe vibrations in a person's pond, so I've let go. . .
*You told me birds just flock to you. And I'm the queen of the coop. < which is just freakin' mean.
*You told me that you were tired of dating pushy women. < you wrote and said this quite often and just before I left.
*You also wished pregnancy on me. . . you don't remember this. You also don't remember a painting I gave you and you gave me a BP Oil Spill apology attached to an I don't remember.
*You also said you wanted to be inside my mind, but never even asked me a question. . . I felt like I was always asking the questions. < WTF
^ this made me feel like a psycho for 1 month. . . then it snapped I don't give a fuck. Whatever-the fuck. Like a fuck you type a fuck like that poem I wrote 5 yrs ago when I was a teenager type fuck-you. Then I thought there's no point in hating someone, so you're white space (and I don't even know you, really, to hate you.)
I HATE when people talk about other people behind their backs, seriously, even little things. You should be able to talk to your friends about anything even if it hurts. I said, 'don't make it like Africa,' to you . . . but you talked about your friends, then I met them and all I could think about is what you said about them. . . aauughh I hate that ( you said one of his roommates was not the best of dads he said that his daughter called you dad once or something, so just fucking tell him that sheesh. I also couldn't stop wondering what the hell were you saying about me. . . It's like being self concious, who the hell wants to be self concious. . . ?
^this is a mind fuck and a game.
I HATE when people lie ! For fucks sakes if you made a mistake you made a mistake don't be a child about it. All that 'I don't remember' crap is bogus.
But I did wrong too I shouldn't talk to an ex-friend's friends, not that I bad mouthed bc that's gay, but my energy was off. . . and it's like trying to ostracize someone, that's fucked up. I told one of his friend's that she has a "murky aura" in a card, which I meant as conflicted b/c she always had a headache and was angry about some stupid guy, but . . . who the fuck am I? so I'm sorry. Then I wrote her some stupid Jak shit so she would leave me alone something about the government controlling lying on the pigs. Jak-shit is weird when you don't know me so sorry.
And above all I called you evil no one's evil. People are just fucked up, I'm fucked up, too. Let's leave it at that.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Conversations
Jazmine Mussington November 23 at 3:29pm
How's Slu life going? You still lying to people who just met you and been abroad for one year? You still telling people you're a junior?
haha, well I`m a junior this year though. i took more courses last year spring=) Just kidding... I`m a CA this year so my residents think that i`m a senior though. here is my story, I`ll tell you a long story just with couple of sentences. i got an hair cut. My girlfriend dumped me overfacebook. I changed my car. Now i`m in Providence visiting friends at Brown. i`ll be in NYC wednesday around noon to drop a friend off. etc. etc. My life is allright in generak. How about u?
Jazmine Mussington November 23 at 4:08pm
NAME. . . I understand so you're in Providence the man I really LIKED lives in Providence. His name is > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , so if you meet him kick his ass. He lied to me made me believe I was insane because I gave him a painting and he couldn't admit he lost it; he told me I never gave him a painting and he doesn't remember and I cried in front of him about the painting and he gave me the weakest it isn't my fault sort of sorry. . . Just before I left I said, 'You're evil and rot in hell,' so. . . I was heart broken for the first TWO MONTHS while being in South Korea (I felt alone), I was so heartbroken I drunk myself into sleeps and messed with people I don't even like. . . Now just now I am just okay. And life's getting better and I made good friends.
Don't worry. You're an attractive person and you have this cool air around you, so you'll find another love. As for me, I'm cute, but fat, so it's harder for a girl like me. . . maybe I should just get skinny, but I am managing LMAO, just kidding. I'm surprised you got a hair cut. And is your car cooler? You'll recover soon. Keep hanging out with friends, listen to some great music, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, and something ANGRY, date around, and just hang with yourself. You're better off if she couldn't even tell you face to face. . .
Anyway, when I'm back in the States I hope I can see you graduate, since I plan on visiting SLU !
Don't worry. You're an attractive person and you have this cool air around you, so you'll find another love. As for me, I'm cute, but fat, so it's harder for a girl like me. . . maybe I should just get skinny, but I am managing LMAO, just kidding. I'm surprised you got a hair cut. And is your car cooler? You'll recover soon. Keep hanging out with friends, listen to some great music, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, and something ANGRY, date around, and just hang with yourself. You're better off if she couldn't even tell you face to face. . .
Anyway, when I'm back in the States I hope I can see you graduate, since I plan on visiting SLU !
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Heart Breaker Advice !
What do i do if there are girls posting flirtation love wall posts on my boyfriend's page and he is flirting back? but he doesnt consider it flirting!!
Mirror what he's doing. Find an absolutely beautiful man (men), it doesn't matter if he knows him or not. . . and have this absolutely gorgeous man flirt on your wall. If he confronts you, which he should, say the same things he said, "It's not flirting he and I are just being friendly."
This should trigger his jealousy and perhaps cause an argument. . . if he wants to argue it's best you keep your cool, be as nonchalant as possible.
Relationships are games.
I agree with Samantha you should confront him, express how you feel, after gorgeous man one and two flirt on your wall and you get the jealous reaction you are hoping for. Tell him, 'I do consider gorgeous man one and two notes as flirting and it's obvious you do as well, so these girls who are writing on your wall and what you're saying are flirting, too. Why don't you stop?"
If he won't acknowledge his responses and the girls responses as flirting then don't trust him. Don't overreact and let your presence be known don't give a flying fuck about it. . . get with gorgeous man one or two. . . make you and him your profile picture, end the relationship through FB. . . and ignore all calls from this boyfriend of yours because it's obvious he's ignoring how you're feeling and you shouldn't trust a man like that.
If he won't stop blahing up your phone and wall after you changed your profile picture and broke up with him through FB then tell him you moved to South Korea.
Mirror what he's doing. Find an absolutely beautiful man (men), it doesn't matter if he knows him or not. . . and have this absolutely gorgeous man flirt on your wall. If he confronts you, which he should, say the same things he said, "It's not flirting he and I are just being friendly."
This should trigger his jealousy and perhaps cause an argument. . . if he wants to argue it's best you keep your cool, be as nonchalant as possible.
Relationships are games.
I agree with Samantha you should confront him, express how you feel, after gorgeous man one and two flirt on your wall and you get the jealous reaction you are hoping for. Tell him, 'I do consider gorgeous man one and two notes as flirting and it's obvious you do as well, so these girls who are writing on your wall and what you're saying are flirting, too. Why don't you stop?"
If he won't acknowledge his responses and the girls responses as flirting then don't trust him. Don't overreact and let your presence be known don't give a flying fuck about it. . . get with gorgeous man one or two. . . make you and him your profile picture, end the relationship through FB. . . and ignore all calls from this boyfriend of yours because it's obvious he's ignoring how you're feeling and you shouldn't trust a man like that.
If he won't stop blahing up your phone and wall after you changed your profile picture and broke up with him through FB then tell him you moved to South Korea.
Confusion of the Heart Part 1
When I was cynical and skeptical
You called me bitter
Close-minded
Unwilling...
...to compromise
You told me
you were not the same
His was not your name
and you don't play that game
Your rhymes were charming
and disarmed me
I allowed them to melt
the ice fortress around my heart
But you took a match
And set my heart on fire
til there was nothing but ash
You called me bitter
Close-minded
Unwilling...
...to compromise
You told me
you were not the same
His was not your name
and you don't play that game
Your rhymes were charming
and disarmed me
I allowed them to melt
the ice fortress around my heart
But you took a match
And set my heart on fire
til there was nothing but ash
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Heart Acher Advice!
What do I do if there are girls posting flirtatious love wall posts on my boyfriend's page and he is flirting back? But he doesn't consider it flirting!!
The first thing you need to do is talk to him about this. Face-to-face is ideal, but webcam or phone is just as good if face-to-face isn't possible. Without getting worked up or overly emotional about this try to talk to him calmly. Guys shut down at the first sign of female emotion and therefore if you get whiny or emotional he will not listen to you at all. So try and keep a normal tone of voice and a collected demeanor if at all possible.
This is a legitimate concern. Don't let him convince you that it isn't and don't bottle up your feelings. A relationship can only work if both parties are open and honest with each other, but also considerate of each other's feelings. Right now he seems really insensitive to the fact that this bothers you. And honestly, that's a SERIOUS problem.
Another thing you need to think about is your own confidence and security in your relationship. If you are feeling jealous maybe you need to ask yourself if this relationship is good for you. Excessive jealousy or worry implies lack of trust. Maybe this is something you never thought about before because you've never been trusting of your boyfriends. I know that was almost always a problem for me.
In the past I would always get jealous over anything, even though I told myself I wasn't jealous at all. Some people say things like "I don't get jealous cus I don't trust him, I get jealous cus I don't trust those other women!" I used to say this to. But you see, if your boyfriend was really that trustworthy you wouldn't have to worry about those other women either.
I didn't realize this was possible until I was in a relationship where I trusted the person I was with completely to never cheat on me. If someone approached him I wouldn't even flinch because I knew she wasn't a threat to me. I was confident enough in him and our relationship to believe wholeheartedly that he would not betray me.
More importantly, I had become confident enough in myself to know that I deserved to be treated with respect and dignity and I believed that he knew that too. And if it turned out that he DIDN'T know that and he DID betray me, I would be strong enough to stand up for myself and let him know he was wrong.
So I guess, what I want to ask YOU is; do you trust this person? Do you have faith in this relationship? Do you have confidence in him? In yourself? Is he really deserving of you?
If the answer to any of these questions is "no" I think you really need to have a serious talk with him about the future of your relationship. I also think that you need to look inside yourself.
UHHHHHM
An alternative and more specific answer from me would be;
make yourself known on all those flirtatious comments on your boyfriend's page.
Each. And. Every. One.
HAHA.
You could say things like:
"Oh wow. You almost sound like his girlfriend or something. Too bad that spot is already taken by me" (with the optional "bitch" at the end for emphasis)
Or
"Wow that's funny. Aren't there any single guys you can say this to? Or do you make it your mission to be a homewrecking whore?"
Or
"Hi. :)"
You could also write on his comments things like:
"Wow you don't say stuff like that to me."
Or
"If this isn't flirting I want to know where your game was at for real when you were hitting on me."
Or
"I'll remember this wasn't said to me when I see you later."
Make your presence KNOWN. Don't stand for this abuse and don't stay quiet!
Stand up! Stand up for your rights!
Just know this may start some drama, but sometimes drama is needed to make progress so I say go for it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Don't you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Yeah. Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?
And yet there's still something in us that overrides that, isn't there?
No matter what. I always lose. It hurts to be with him just as much as it hurts to be without. But the only reason it hurts to be with him is because he isn't really there. He isn't really mine right now. He is somewhere else. Somewhere lost. And he won't let me help him find his way. So. Being with is just the same as being without him because he's gone. So. Doesn't that mean that being with him instead of being without him is better? I mean. Cus they are the same right now but maybe someday they won't be. Maybe someday he'll find his way and then being without him will still hurt but being with him will be happy.
But what if he is never found?
Or what if he is found but being with him is still not happy? What about all the time wasted standing like a lighthouse in the fog? What if happy is only something I made myself believe. Something that's not true at all.
I want happy.
I want happy but I don't want to work for happy.
It's not cus I'm lazy it's cus I'm tired.
I'm tired for working for happy and it coming to everyone else but me.
They don't work or try. Why? Why do they get happy and not me?
I try too hard.
That's why I'm not trying anymore. I'm not working anymore. Fuck you happy, you come to me. I will not grovel at happy's feet anymore. I'm tired of licking boots. My mouth tastes like shit.
Do you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Disappointment is all I know.
And yet there's still something in us that overrides that, isn't there?
No matter what. I always lose. It hurts to be with him just as much as it hurts to be without. But the only reason it hurts to be with him is because he isn't really there. He isn't really mine right now. He is somewhere else. Somewhere lost. And he won't let me help him find his way. So. Being with is just the same as being without him because he's gone. So. Doesn't that mean that being with him instead of being without him is better? I mean. Cus they are the same right now but maybe someday they won't be. Maybe someday he'll find his way and then being without him will still hurt but being with him will be happy.
But what if he is never found?
Or what if he is found but being with him is still not happy? What about all the time wasted standing like a lighthouse in the fog? What if happy is only something I made myself believe. Something that's not true at all.
I want happy.
I want happy but I don't want to work for happy.
It's not cus I'm lazy it's cus I'm tired.
I'm tired for working for happy and it coming to everyone else but me.
They don't work or try. Why? Why do they get happy and not me?
I try too hard.
That's why I'm not trying anymore. I'm not working anymore. Fuck you happy, you come to me. I will not grovel at happy's feet anymore. I'm tired of licking boots. My mouth tastes like shit.
Do you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Disappointment is all I know.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
BHC's first video assignment
Okay! So you've filled out our awesome survey. Now you want to participate in some other way. It has been brought to my attention that my "Thank You, Person" video done for MLAAHB would be perfect for BHC.
So here's the video.
(OMG if I were a self conscious person I'd probably be mortified by that screencap. Oh well.)
Now what's the assignment?
Well, your mission--if you chose to accept it--is to respond to this video "thanking" someone you have loved for the lessons they've taught you (either by loving you or breaking your heart ): or you know...whatever you can think of)
Or maybe you don't want to thank them! Maybe you're angry and you want to list all the reasons why those ingrates should be thanking you!
I don't know. It's up to you.
Either way! Best of luck and thank you for your participation!
So here's the video.
(OMG if I were a self conscious person I'd probably be mortified by that screencap. Oh well.)
Now what's the assignment?
Well, your mission--if you chose to accept it--is to respond to this video "thanking" someone you have loved for the lessons they've taught you (either by loving you or breaking your heart ): or you know...whatever you can think of)
Or maybe you don't want to thank them! Maybe you're angry and you want to list all the reasons why those ingrates should be thanking you!
I don't know. It's up to you.
Either way! Best of luck and thank you for your participation!
Follow the Stray is growing
Today we'll officially be adding a new stray to Follow the Stray, my friend Jazmine (a.k.a. JaK).
Jazmine and I both came up with the idea for "The Broken Hearts Club" together, so I thought that it would only be appropriate to allow her to post as well (duh! Should've thought of it sooner!)
But, I hope even after we've concluded the BHC project she'll still stick around and contribute. She's got some really great ideas and a really unique style. You probably won't even have to check the names of the poster to see which of us is the one writing :)
Hopefully once she's accepted she'll post a little intro about herself.
Jazmine and I both came up with the idea for "The Broken Hearts Club" together, so I thought that it would only be appropriate to allow her to post as well (duh! Should've thought of it sooner!)
But, I hope even after we've concluded the BHC project she'll still stick around and contribute. She's got some really great ideas and a really unique style. You probably won't even have to check the names of the poster to see which of us is the one writing :)
Hopefully once she's accepted she'll post a little intro about herself.
Friday, November 5, 2010
BHC Member: Phe
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes, but I don't begrudge anyone. I've moved on to a newer, better, love in my life. There's no point in dwelling on, what is essentially, nature.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I think, maybe a few--unintentionally.
Does it hurt?
Right now it hurts because the person I love can't be with me the way that he and I would both like him to. I try not to let this discourage me.
How are you coping?
Sometimes it's hard for me to keep loving when I don't see the love I'm putting out being reciprocated...but I can't stop. I just love more. I put all of my love out, all of my heart. I guess I cope by keeping faith. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I keep my heart open one day I will find someone who understands me and who will return my love. I honestly feel I've found this person now--and even though things are currently difficult--I haven't given up. I can't give up. I guess...it's my faith, and my persistence...and my ambition and hopes and prayers that help me cope. I am so filled with optimism there's no room for negativity.
What have you learned?
I have learned a lot and everyday I learn more. I guess what I have learned is that when you love someone...when you really love someone...you have to give them your all--even when times are hard--you have to put in everything you've got! Even if they don't ask for it...you have to. I just don't feel right not showing my love 100%.
I've also learned that loving someone means that you've found someone who makes you genuinely happy and feel good about loving. When you love someone you feel good about yourself and you want to do your very best at everything in life. I think that's what really loving someone means. You don't WORSHIP that person or feel you can't live without them, but you are extremely grateful to have them in your life because they make the world seem so much brighter. That's what I think real love is.
Someone who makes you sad or feel bad about yourself or makes you feel like they are more important than you are--I don't think that's really love.
Yes, but I don't begrudge anyone. I've moved on to a newer, better, love in my life. There's no point in dwelling on, what is essentially, nature.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I think, maybe a few--unintentionally.
Does it hurt?
Right now it hurts because the person I love can't be with me the way that he and I would both like him to. I try not to let this discourage me.
How are you coping?
Sometimes it's hard for me to keep loving when I don't see the love I'm putting out being reciprocated...but I can't stop. I just love more. I put all of my love out, all of my heart. I guess I cope by keeping faith. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I keep my heart open one day I will find someone who understands me and who will return my love. I honestly feel I've found this person now--and even though things are currently difficult--I haven't given up. I can't give up. I guess...it's my faith, and my persistence...and my ambition and hopes and prayers that help me cope. I am so filled with optimism there's no room for negativity.
What have you learned?
I have learned a lot and everyday I learn more. I guess what I have learned is that when you love someone...when you really love someone...you have to give them your all--even when times are hard--you have to put in everything you've got! Even if they don't ask for it...you have to. I just don't feel right not showing my love 100%.
I've also learned that loving someone means that you've found someone who makes you genuinely happy and feel good about loving. When you love someone you feel good about yourself and you want to do your very best at everything in life. I think that's what really loving someone means. You don't WORSHIP that person or feel you can't live without them, but you are extremely grateful to have them in your life because they make the world seem so much brighter. That's what I think real love is.
Someone who makes you sad or feel bad about yourself or makes you feel like they are more important than you are--I don't think that's really love.
BHC Member: Demi
Have you ever had your heart broken?
As if I would ever let anyone in enough to hurt me. Anyone who even gets close to hurting me will pay--severely. Who the fuck do you think I am anyway? I'm no pushover. I'm no little punk. Cross me and prepare to pay up! That's all I have to say.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know, I don't care. People only care about themselves anyway, but what about me? No one ever considers me and my feelings. It's always about them. Always about their wants and their needs--well I have wants and needs too you know! And it isn't always about making you fuckers happy! If I hurt you, too fucking bad, get over it.
Does it hurt?
It hurt when I didn't love myself. When I didn't fight to protect myself. It only hurt when I was worried about everyone else and was waiting for someone to worry about me. It hurt to think that no one would ever care about me. When you put all of your love into the world and you get nothing in return...that shit's enough to make you want to cry
How did you cope?
I decided to do me. Forget everyone else. Forget the whole world. If everyone's going to be involved with themselves and not spare any time for me than FUCKEM. I can take care of myself and I don't need anybody else. That's how I cope. Thinking about ME and only ME--number ONE!
What have you learned?
The only one who's ever gonna love me like I deserve and like I want is me. The only one who's ever gonna treat me right and give me the respect I deserve is me. I don't need to change, I don't need to do do do for others--especially when they're so ungrateful. All I need to do is take care of and stay true to myself.
As if I would ever let anyone in enough to hurt me. Anyone who even gets close to hurting me will pay--severely. Who the fuck do you think I am anyway? I'm no pushover. I'm no little punk. Cross me and prepare to pay up! That's all I have to say.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know, I don't care. People only care about themselves anyway, but what about me? No one ever considers me and my feelings. It's always about them. Always about their wants and their needs--well I have wants and needs too you know! And it isn't always about making you fuckers happy! If I hurt you, too fucking bad, get over it.
Does it hurt?
It hurt when I didn't love myself. When I didn't fight to protect myself. It only hurt when I was worried about everyone else and was waiting for someone to worry about me. It hurt to think that no one would ever care about me. When you put all of your love into the world and you get nothing in return...that shit's enough to make you want to cry
How did you cope?
I decided to do me. Forget everyone else. Forget the whole world. If everyone's going to be involved with themselves and not spare any time for me than FUCKEM. I can take care of myself and I don't need anybody else. That's how I cope. Thinking about ME and only ME--number ONE!
What have you learned?
The only one who's ever gonna love me like I deserve and like I want is me. The only one who's ever gonna treat me right and give me the respect I deserve is me. I don't need to change, I don't need to do do do for others--especially when they're so ungrateful. All I need to do is take care of and stay true to myself.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
BHC Member: JaK
Have you ever had your heart broken?
If it is truly meant to be then it will be. This is complicated, but I'm not entirely sure if my heart was broken. . . instead I believe my feelings were crushed. I think heart break is something that you can not overcome entirely. Everyday I forget about the person. . . I don't hate him because it is a waste of my time; instead I am forgetting him. The process is slow because of Facebook, but it's happening.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No, I've never broken a heart before at least they've never said that I did.
Does it hurt?
It hurts. I feel like I'll never meet anyone as creative, but I don't think he was creative at all instead he hyper-focused on my creativity and latched
How did you cope?
I wrote about it then I talked about it a lot ! I told my friends the real deal. I cried, once, twice. Then I tried to understand how and why it fell a part, I am not weak.
What have you learned?
That I should be with people who make me feel good.
If it is truly meant to be then it will be. This is complicated, but I'm not entirely sure if my heart was broken. . . instead I believe my feelings were crushed. I think heart break is something that you can not overcome entirely. Everyday I forget about the person. . . I don't hate him because it is a waste of my time; instead I am forgetting him. The process is slow because of Facebook, but it's happening.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No, I've never broken a heart before at least they've never said that I did.
Does it hurt?
It hurts. I feel like I'll never meet anyone as creative, but I don't think he was creative at all instead he hyper-focused on my creativity and latched
How did you cope?
I wrote about it then I talked about it a lot ! I told my friends the real deal. I cried, once, twice. Then I tried to understand how and why it fell a part, I am not weak.
What have you learned?
That I should be with people who make me feel good.
BHC kinda makes ya think of...
No I'm not ignoring or oblivious to the fact the BHC kinda looks like/sounds like/resembles the word "bitch." I just haven't decided how I'm going to address that...personally I like it and in some random way feel it's semi-appropriate.
BHC Member: Sam
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes. I used to think maybe a few times, but there's only one that really registers anymore. I fell in love with this person after I had already decided that I was going to do my best to just be alone--it was after a really horrible relationship. This person was so nice to me at first, nicer to me than anyone before him had ever been. I have said "I love you" to people before but I think maybe with this person it was the first time I ever really meant it. I don't want to get into the details of HOW he broke my heart, but it really damaged me.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Well I don't know any for sure, except one. My first boyfriend; he was my first EVERYTHING--including the first (AND LAST) person I ever cheated on. I felt horrible for what I did. I still feel horrible to this day. He was willing to forgive me and look past it, but I couldn't forgive myself for hurting him that way. I swore never to do that again and I haven't since.
Does it hurt?
Both still hurt.
When I think about the person who broke my heart I get SO ANGRY. I can't even remember why he made me happy or what it was about him that I loved (and honestly, still love) so much. I get frustrated because I don't understand the attraction anymore and yet I can't erase him from my memory. It's awful. I just want him to go away. What's worse is when I think about him I bet that he never once thinks about me anymore. And that just upsets me more.
I've found someone else since him. Someone I really love and who loves me back equally. I am truly happy with him. So why do I allow myself to get worked up over senseless past drama? I just don't understand. He just shouldn't be that important to me. I didn't even know him for that long.
Actually, I don't really know if it HURTS...but it IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
As for the person whose heart I broke. It only hurts when I think about it. I've mostly forgiven myself, but there are times when I think about it and I'm just disgusted. I KNOW I'll never do it again.
How do you cope?
MY FRIENDS! OMG! I couldn't survive without them. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill friends either--I'm talking about the REAL DEAL here. People I can be open and honest with, people I know won't judge me NO MATTER WHAT, people who will tell me the truth when I'm in the wrong. Those kind of friends; the kind that some people may never have in their entire life--and I have a whole handful of them! I am SO BLESSED to have them. They don't know it and won't believe it, but I'm alive today because of their presence in my life.
Another way I cope is through prayer and reminding myself that "this too shall pass." Whatever pain I'm going through, whether it's heartbreak or something else, I just remind myself over and over "this will pass, this will pass" and before I know it the storm is over.
What have you learned?
Everything in life is temporary, that is why everything should be treated like the precious treasure that it is. People are born and then they die, friendships and relationships go through the same motions. Everything has a beginning and an end, everything must come full circle--that's just the way life works, nothing lasts forever. It's a little sad to think that way in the midst of a blossoming romance, but it's nice to remember when that love has ended.
Yes. I used to think maybe a few times, but there's only one that really registers anymore. I fell in love with this person after I had already decided that I was going to do my best to just be alone--it was after a really horrible relationship. This person was so nice to me at first, nicer to me than anyone before him had ever been. I have said "I love you" to people before but I think maybe with this person it was the first time I ever really meant it. I don't want to get into the details of HOW he broke my heart, but it really damaged me.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Well I don't know any for sure, except one. My first boyfriend; he was my first EVERYTHING--including the first (AND LAST) person I ever cheated on. I felt horrible for what I did. I still feel horrible to this day. He was willing to forgive me and look past it, but I couldn't forgive myself for hurting him that way. I swore never to do that again and I haven't since.
Does it hurt?
Both still hurt.
When I think about the person who broke my heart I get SO ANGRY. I can't even remember why he made me happy or what it was about him that I loved (and honestly, still love) so much. I get frustrated because I don't understand the attraction anymore and yet I can't erase him from my memory. It's awful. I just want him to go away. What's worse is when I think about him I bet that he never once thinks about me anymore. And that just upsets me more.
I've found someone else since him. Someone I really love and who loves me back equally. I am truly happy with him. So why do I allow myself to get worked up over senseless past drama? I just don't understand. He just shouldn't be that important to me. I didn't even know him for that long.
Actually, I don't really know if it HURTS...but it IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
As for the person whose heart I broke. It only hurts when I think about it. I've mostly forgiven myself, but there are times when I think about it and I'm just disgusted. I KNOW I'll never do it again.
How do you cope?
MY FRIENDS! OMG! I couldn't survive without them. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill friends either--I'm talking about the REAL DEAL here. People I can be open and honest with, people I know won't judge me NO MATTER WHAT, people who will tell me the truth when I'm in the wrong. Those kind of friends; the kind that some people may never have in their entire life--and I have a whole handful of them! I am SO BLESSED to have them. They don't know it and won't believe it, but I'm alive today because of their presence in my life.
Another way I cope is through prayer and reminding myself that "this too shall pass." Whatever pain I'm going through, whether it's heartbreak or something else, I just remind myself over and over "this will pass, this will pass" and before I know it the storm is over.
What have you learned?
Everything in life is temporary, that is why everything should be treated like the precious treasure that it is. People are born and then they die, friendships and relationships go through the same motions. Everything has a beginning and an end, everything must come full circle--that's just the way life works, nothing lasts forever. It's a little sad to think that way in the midst of a blossoming romance, but it's nice to remember when that love has ended.
BHC has a page
Added a page for The Broken Hearts Club to keep the project more organized. Go check it out, it isn't much right now.
I should be sleeping right now but...I can't so I might just share my own BH story right now. We'll see. I was gonna do it through video but...I find that I'm a lot more open when I write so I think I'll start there and make a video later.
I should be sleeping right now but...I can't so I might just share my own BH story right now. We'll see. I was gonna do it through video but...I find that I'm a lot more open when I write so I think I'll start there and make a video later.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Welcome to the Broken Hearts Club
So me and my friend have decided to collaborate and put together a multimedia project that I (without even asking her) have labeled "The Broken Hearts Club."
As the name implies it will look at the world of love, romance, heartbreak, and coping.
I welcome any and all to fill out our survey to help us in our artistic endeavor. :)
Thank you so much!
I'll be updating soon.
As the name implies it will look at the world of love, romance, heartbreak, and coping.
I welcome any and all to fill out our survey to help us in our artistic endeavor. :)
Thank you so much!
I'll be updating soon.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Empathy
Never forget that, even if you're mad or don't like somebody, they're still a human being; with their own past, feelings, and life. It's easy to forget that, I know I do, but the problem with forgetting is that we then forget to be empathetic towards one another. A world without empathy is a very dark and lonely place. That's why now, when I'm angry with someone, I try to put myself in their place to understand why they are that way--and it actually makes me feel a lot better!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Death is inevitable
The most sobering thing in life is to realize that one day you'll be dead. As morbid as it sounds I remind myself of this fact every time life gets rough. It helps me to realize what problems really matter in life and what drama I just need to get rid of and/or let go. I used to be a fighter--fight for anything. Now I see that it's better to save that energy for fights worthwhile. One day I'll be dead but as long as I fight the good fight I know I'll die happy.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I Luv Safe Sex
"I Luv Safe Sex" Women's Cap Sleeve T-Shirt SMART Youth New Collection (SYNC) : SMART Youth: Educate and Enjoy
Show your love for {safe} sex with this cute tee or other items now available on the SMART Youth cafepress site.
All proceeds go to SMART Youth--an afterschool program for high risk youth (ages 13 - 22), living in NYC, who are affected by HIV/AIDS.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Robert Frost
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. "
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. "
"Big Love" (Play)
"Sometimes people don’t want to fall in love. Because when you love someone it’s too late to set conditions. You can’t say I’ll love you if you do this or I’ll love you if you change that because you can’t help yourself and then you have to live with whoever it is you fall in love with however they are and just put up with the difficulties you’ve made for yourself because true love has no conditions. That’s why it’s so awful to fall in love."
"2 Faces of my Girlfriend" (Korean Movie)
"Why is love like raindrops outside a window? Because they evaporate! Not only do they evaporate, but they leave stains behind."
Unknown
"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future"
"Guerillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle" (Book)
"Loosen my grip
on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely, that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage."
on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely, that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage."
"Love and Other Disasters" (Movie)
"Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody without worrying if they're going to really hurt you or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose."
"True love is a process, not an event."
"True love is a process, not an event."
Gloria Searson
"Even though you're not where you want to be, at least you're not where you were."
"The things that aren't working help motivate me."
"The things that aren't working help motivate me."
Why don't black men date black women?
The following conversation was a debate responding to these two articles.
It's something I feel passionately about which is why I'm posting it here.
Here are the articles we were responding to:
http://theybf.com/2010/06/01/chad-ocho-cinco-johnson-no-black-girls-on-my-dating-show
http://theybf.com/2010/06/07/slim-thug-talks-ish-about-black-women-is-a-publicity-slut-while-doing-so
"OKAY I'm going to try and be as uhm....academic as possible even though these type of....incidents make me want to severely hurt people, but anyway.
I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll start with those articles you posted. Situations such as these are not uncommon. I am sad to say that I have known and been with black men who openly admit they would not date black women, stating that black women were simply, "not their type." And their type? Skinny, light-skinned, long hair, shorter than them. I detested the fact that I was a "type," a category of female that was acceptable. But, whether it be my own low self esteem at the time, or my bewitched enchantment with them, I typically let it go--though I would always state that I didn't agree.
Reflecting on the matter I have come to just feel sorry for these men. Sure the statements are shallow, and hateful, and hurtful, but they all stem from their own insecurities with themselves, their skin color, their race.
They are doing what they need to do to be accepted as members in American society. These actions against black women are symptoms of the internalized racism that pollutes the lifeblood of this country. If they were to "be with" a black woman, however that may be, they'd forever be black. By "being with" light skinned women they are somehow elevated, better than black, moving up in society.
Why black men more than black women? Well that could be because black men have already increasingly been accepted into the higher ranks of society. Athletes, actors, rappers, singers; black men have really begun to make a name for themselves in our culture. Black women on the other hand...have not seen so successful.
All popular and successful black women are, for the most part, are exploited--seen as sexual objects rather than equal human beings to men. This mars the reputation of black women as a whole. They have no real voice in the media.
Think about it--how many famous females can you think of that aren't sexualized in some way or another? Even in the case of the Madea plays and movies, that encourage women to be their own person, we must take pause because they are written and acted out by a man.
Until black women can share similar successes in the media and society as black men without being hyper-sexualized black men will always rank higher than black women and feel more entitled to assimilate into society.
This is all just theory and speculation of course as I have not done any research but am quite a silent observer. :) It also helps that I'm not bound to any one race so everything to me is very objective.
As for the issue of the "black woman's attitude" I think that's just a load of bullshit. Oh excuse me, I was keeping this academic, wasn't I?
If women of color (and I'm making this more general now because hispanic women are accused of having attitude problems as well, but since we are more accepted by society we get away with it just a little bit easier) have an attitude, I blame impoverished communities. Think about the neighborhoods most people of color are in. Generally speaking, we don't typically break the upper-middle class layer, do we? I mean, let's be honest now, okay? In impoverished, urban communities women are made targets of DAILY. If we have attitudes or a low bullshit tolerance it's because we HAVE TO in order to SURVIVE. Women who aren't strong-willed and opinionated get hurt and taken advantage of period. Being a good girl is not rewarded in these communities, in fact it is punished. Maybe I am speaking to generally here, but from my own experience I can honestly say being the bad bitch over the good wife is the only way to preserve yourself--and your sanity.
In any case, why is this something that we are discouraging in young women? What is this the 1950's? Cook, clean, and take care of you? What are women now expected to be Stepford Wives now? Dear Slim Thug, why don't you go suck that sick dick and call it a day okay, you sexist, misogynist, limp dick mother fucker. (So much for keeping this academic)
Ladies, ladies, ladies, of course they want you to tune your attitude down--they're scared! Women are mentally stronger than men, always have been and they know it--that's why women have been oppressed for so long. Now if women start speaking their minds and standing up for their rights and resisting control, how ever are the men going to stay in power?
Power.
This issue is one I think may even be truer than assimilation. Men subconsciously or consciously desire power, I believe it's in their nature--though I could be wrong. Black men have it rough because they don't have many opportunities for power in this society. So, it is not so unreasonable to believe that they'd want to be the one in power in their relationships---and being with a strong woman doesn't really leave much of a chance at being the one in control.
Power is probably also the reason why black women are so, stereotypically speaking, loud. Their pride, their voices, their confidence--this is the only sure fire way a black woman can obtain power.
Go for it girls, I say. Though I'd like to stress there is a fine line between confidence and belligerence and I'd really wish more people were aware of that--but that's a different topic all together.
I'd also like to say that people of color, in general, need to really stop picking on each other and stand together--especially in the black community. Together we stand, divided we fall--why can't we get this through our thick skulls? Stop judging people because they are lighter or darker skinned. Stop thinking you know somebody based on where they're from, or how they dress, or how they talk, you don't. These superficial judgments are killing allies and delaying change. Just fucking quit it already.
OH and on a personal non-academic note, I think everyone should date people a different race than them anyway because mixed people are the future of the planet. There won't BE any black or white or purple in a few more generations.
Yeah. I'm the shit."
Some guy said something about not wanting to deal with black women because they don't want to better themselves and they all have babies and they're all on welfare and they're too much drama............and then ended by saying that black women are queens or some shit.
So...
"That's another thing that pisses me off. All these men saying they respect women and treasure women and in the same sentence degrade them. It has become so natural to be prejudice against women people aren't even conscious of doing it."
Then he tried to correct himself by saying "most"
So....
"I think by even saying "most blacks" this or "most blacks" that you are still victim blaming; it is also focusing on a symptom of a much larger, much more dangerous problem. It IS the government. It IS the education system. It IS the culture. The media. The society. The very way we are brought up to think. It is all that. Internalized ... See Moreracism is so deeply embedded into our psyches that we don't even realize it's there. Whites don't have to openly oppress people of color anymore because we so openly and willingly do it to ourselves--especially by using statements like "most blacks blahblahblah, but not me."
Let me try to break this down category by category.
It is the government's fault because in the past the government aided IN the oppression of people of color and has done little in the present to make up for that. Then when they DO establish programs and resources to make amends for that fact, such as HEOP, EOP, and other such programs, they ABANDON THEM and neglect them in favor of putting their money towards war; killing over creating, wealth over human prosperity.
In addition to that the government does little to close the economic gap between the rich and the poor. In fact, it's support of big business over the small timers aids in the increasing separation of financial classes; the rich just keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting poorer.
It is the education system's fault because they know people are going to slip through the cracks yet they allow it, deeming those that are studious and accomplished "worthy," and anyone who fails losers, failures, worthless. The entire education system as a whole from K - College is in desperate need of revamping. Time and time again the methods of teaching that are used in schools are proven obsolete and ineffective yet they are used anyway. Why?
Everyone knows the education system is an utter failure. It doesn't take much for the everyday person to see it, so why can't the government see it? Why can't the high ups see it? The answer is that they DO. They know it doesn't work and they set us up for failure.
The sad honest truth is that they WANT us to stay dumb. This is the way it has been throughout history. The uneducated are easy to rule over, to control, the educated and opinionated--not so much. This goes back to my argument over power and shutting down the confident black woman. The gov doesn't want to deal with people who can think critically, analyze situations, and formulate their own opinions. They just want to play the role of herder, while we act as the sheep.
Many men of color start college, but few actually finish it. Whereas the number of women attending and completing college increases every year. So maybe someone would like to retract that little comment about "most" black women not wanting to get educated and better themselves, HMM?
It is ESPECIALLY the media's fault because it brainwashes us daily with blatant racist material. Think about it. How many ways are white people portrayed? How many different personalities can they have? Appearances can they have? Positions can they have? Indeed, there is no one representation of whites. There is no white caricature. Now look at the representation of blacks and other minorities. How many different ways do they get portrayed? How many different personality types do they have? How often are they perpetuated is ignorant, uneducated, short tempered, aggressive, on the outskirts, of the law, and the butt of jokes that undermine their intelligence? I tell you it's more often than whites. And we as the audience have learned to accept it because we have been made to believe that that's "just how black people are." Well...if white people aren't just one way, why should we be made to believe that black people are? Why are whites allowed complex multidimensional personalities and lives, while blacks can be summed up in a few sentences?
There is no other word to describe it except as brainwashing. And to make statements like "most blacks" without looking at the situation critically from all angles accept your mental scrubbing.
It's hard to say cut out the media, but I just wish people would be more wary.
It is the people's fault too, but I am not so prepared to really blame them because--how could you teach yourself something you yourself have never learned? So this is tough ground to tread on. It is certainly the fault of the educated who turn their noses on their people and their communities once they get out rather than go back and educate others. We are at war. Not many people realize this, but we are at war. Our minds, our future's, our children's futures--all of this is at stake. We must band together. We must fight together. Like I said before, stop blaming each other. Saying the problem is someone else's and separating yourself apart from it you are setting yourself, and others like you, up for failure. WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER. WE HAVE TO. Nobody puts blacks down better than other blacks! The fact that black men refuse black women is HARD EVIDENCE of this fact! WHY? Blacks are only hurting themselves by doing this. Only exposing their own self hatred and prejudices. Only dooming themselves. I said it before and I'll say it again; united we stand, divided we fall. Stop turning your back on your people. Stop judging them. Accept them as you wish to be accepted. We need to lift our people up, not knock them down further. This dog-eat-dog mentality plagues and kills the black community. The black community needs to learn to be just that--A COMMUNITY, a union of people who care about and support each other!
There is absolutely NO justification for black men to disregard and degrade black women. NONE. NEVER. It's hypocritical to want to fight for equality and then turn around and oppress someone else. It's pure bullshit plane and simple and, though I may have grudgingly tolerated in the past when I was young and stupid, I can never and well never accept it ever again.
I may have jested before about races mixing, but I mean it seriously. Black women. If you are unhappy you should never have to settle for someone just because they are available and your race. You doom yourself to a sad future. You're worth more and if a man can't understand that (not just a black man, any man), then look for someone better. There are men of worth out there, you just need to look with colorblind eyes. There are men out there who don't just SAY they respect women and SAY that women are worth more, their thoughts and actions follow through with every statement. It's hard to distinguish those that "say" from those that "do," but they're there.
Try not to a let events from the past or prejudices bitter your judgment though. Have faith in people. Trust a little. Give people a chance. You will get hurt, true, but you will also allow yourself the chance to find true love.
Hiding, hating, guarding yourself, that's easy--especially if you've been hurt before. But going out there, trusting, loving, letting go--that's hard. Be strong. Everything worth having in life calls for a fight.
And I know good men exist because I have one of the best ♥ XD"
I'd like to add a little disclaimer. I, to, make the mistake of overgeneralizing in this debate. The issues addressed, I believe, have more to do with privilege and socio-economic status than they do to race. I also admit that in the heat of the moment I played a little tit-for-tat about black men and black women.
I am actually a very big advocate for the rights of men of colour as well.
As I mentioned this issue isn't it's own problem.. It's a symptom of a greater more deadly problem.
It's something I feel passionately about which is why I'm posting it here.
Here are the articles we were responding to:
http://theybf.com/2010/06/01/chad-ocho-cinco-johnson-no-black-girls-on-my-dating-show
http://theybf.com/2010/06/07/slim-thug-talks-ish-about-black-women-is-a-publicity-slut-while-doing-so
"OKAY I'm going to try and be as uhm....academic as possible even though these type of....incidents make me want to severely hurt people, but anyway.
I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll start with those articles you posted. Situations such as these are not uncommon. I am sad to say that I have known and been with black men who openly admit they would not date black women, stating that black women were simply, "not their type." And their type? Skinny, light-skinned, long hair, shorter than them. I detested the fact that I was a "type," a category of female that was acceptable. But, whether it be my own low self esteem at the time, or my bewitched enchantment with them, I typically let it go--though I would always state that I didn't agree.
Reflecting on the matter I have come to just feel sorry for these men. Sure the statements are shallow, and hateful, and hurtful, but they all stem from their own insecurities with themselves, their skin color, their race.
They are doing what they need to do to be accepted as members in American society. These actions against black women are symptoms of the internalized racism that pollutes the lifeblood of this country. If they were to "be with" a black woman, however that may be, they'd forever be black. By "being with" light skinned women they are somehow elevated, better than black, moving up in society.
Why black men more than black women? Well that could be because black men have already increasingly been accepted into the higher ranks of society. Athletes, actors, rappers, singers; black men have really begun to make a name for themselves in our culture. Black women on the other hand...have not seen so successful.
All popular and successful black women are, for the most part, are exploited--seen as sexual objects rather than equal human beings to men. This mars the reputation of black women as a whole. They have no real voice in the media.
Think about it--how many famous females can you think of that aren't sexualized in some way or another? Even in the case of the Madea plays and movies, that encourage women to be their own person, we must take pause because they are written and acted out by a man.
Until black women can share similar successes in the media and society as black men without being hyper-sexualized black men will always rank higher than black women and feel more entitled to assimilate into society.
This is all just theory and speculation of course as I have not done any research but am quite a silent observer. :) It also helps that I'm not bound to any one race so everything to me is very objective.
As for the issue of the "black woman's attitude" I think that's just a load of bullshit. Oh excuse me, I was keeping this academic, wasn't I?
If women of color (and I'm making this more general now because hispanic women are accused of having attitude problems as well, but since we are more accepted by society we get away with it just a little bit easier) have an attitude, I blame impoverished communities. Think about the neighborhoods most people of color are in. Generally speaking, we don't typically break the upper-middle class layer, do we? I mean, let's be honest now, okay? In impoverished, urban communities women are made targets of DAILY. If we have attitudes or a low bullshit tolerance it's because we HAVE TO in order to SURVIVE. Women who aren't strong-willed and opinionated get hurt and taken advantage of period. Being a good girl is not rewarded in these communities, in fact it is punished. Maybe I am speaking to generally here, but from my own experience I can honestly say being the bad bitch over the good wife is the only way to preserve yourself--and your sanity.
In any case, why is this something that we are discouraging in young women? What is this the 1950's? Cook, clean, and take care of you? What are women now expected to be Stepford Wives now? Dear Slim Thug, why don't you go suck that sick dick and call it a day okay, you sexist, misogynist, limp dick mother fucker. (So much for keeping this academic)
Ladies, ladies, ladies, of course they want you to tune your attitude down--they're scared! Women are mentally stronger than men, always have been and they know it--that's why women have been oppressed for so long. Now if women start speaking their minds and standing up for their rights and resisting control, how ever are the men going to stay in power?
Power.
This issue is one I think may even be truer than assimilation. Men subconsciously or consciously desire power, I believe it's in their nature--though I could be wrong. Black men have it rough because they don't have many opportunities for power in this society. So, it is not so unreasonable to believe that they'd want to be the one in power in their relationships---and being with a strong woman doesn't really leave much of a chance at being the one in control.
Power is probably also the reason why black women are so, stereotypically speaking, loud. Their pride, their voices, their confidence--this is the only sure fire way a black woman can obtain power.
Go for it girls, I say. Though I'd like to stress there is a fine line between confidence and belligerence and I'd really wish more people were aware of that--but that's a different topic all together.
I'd also like to say that people of color, in general, need to really stop picking on each other and stand together--especially in the black community. Together we stand, divided we fall--why can't we get this through our thick skulls? Stop judging people because they are lighter or darker skinned. Stop thinking you know somebody based on where they're from, or how they dress, or how they talk, you don't. These superficial judgments are killing allies and delaying change. Just fucking quit it already.
OH and on a personal non-academic note, I think everyone should date people a different race than them anyway because mixed people are the future of the planet. There won't BE any black or white or purple in a few more generations.
Yeah. I'm the shit."
Some guy said something about not wanting to deal with black women because they don't want to better themselves and they all have babies and they're all on welfare and they're too much drama............and then ended by saying that black women are queens or some shit.
So...
"That's another thing that pisses me off. All these men saying they respect women and treasure women and in the same sentence degrade them. It has become so natural to be prejudice against women people aren't even conscious of doing it."
Then he tried to correct himself by saying "most"
So....
"I think by even saying "most blacks" this or "most blacks" that you are still victim blaming; it is also focusing on a symptom of a much larger, much more dangerous problem. It IS the government. It IS the education system. It IS the culture. The media. The society. The very way we are brought up to think. It is all that. Internalized ... See Moreracism is so deeply embedded into our psyches that we don't even realize it's there. Whites don't have to openly oppress people of color anymore because we so openly and willingly do it to ourselves--especially by using statements like "most blacks blahblahblah, but not me."
Let me try to break this down category by category.
It is the government's fault because in the past the government aided IN the oppression of people of color and has done little in the present to make up for that. Then when they DO establish programs and resources to make amends for that fact, such as HEOP, EOP, and other such programs, they ABANDON THEM and neglect them in favor of putting their money towards war; killing over creating, wealth over human prosperity.
In addition to that the government does little to close the economic gap between the rich and the poor. In fact, it's support of big business over the small timers aids in the increasing separation of financial classes; the rich just keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting poorer.
It is the education system's fault because they know people are going to slip through the cracks yet they allow it, deeming those that are studious and accomplished "worthy," and anyone who fails losers, failures, worthless. The entire education system as a whole from K - College is in desperate need of revamping. Time and time again the methods of teaching that are used in schools are proven obsolete and ineffective yet they are used anyway. Why?
Everyone knows the education system is an utter failure. It doesn't take much for the everyday person to see it, so why can't the government see it? Why can't the high ups see it? The answer is that they DO. They know it doesn't work and they set us up for failure.
The sad honest truth is that they WANT us to stay dumb. This is the way it has been throughout history. The uneducated are easy to rule over, to control, the educated and opinionated--not so much. This goes back to my argument over power and shutting down the confident black woman. The gov doesn't want to deal with people who can think critically, analyze situations, and formulate their own opinions. They just want to play the role of herder, while we act as the sheep.
Many men of color start college, but few actually finish it. Whereas the number of women attending and completing college increases every year. So maybe someone would like to retract that little comment about "most" black women not wanting to get educated and better themselves, HMM?
It is ESPECIALLY the media's fault because it brainwashes us daily with blatant racist material. Think about it. How many ways are white people portrayed? How many different personalities can they have? Appearances can they have? Positions can they have? Indeed, there is no one representation of whites. There is no white caricature. Now look at the representation of blacks and other minorities. How many different ways do they get portrayed? How many different personality types do they have? How often are they perpetuated is ignorant, uneducated, short tempered, aggressive, on the outskirts, of the law, and the butt of jokes that undermine their intelligence? I tell you it's more often than whites. And we as the audience have learned to accept it because we have been made to believe that that's "just how black people are." Well...if white people aren't just one way, why should we be made to believe that black people are? Why are whites allowed complex multidimensional personalities and lives, while blacks can be summed up in a few sentences?
There is no other word to describe it except as brainwashing. And to make statements like "most blacks" without looking at the situation critically from all angles accept your mental scrubbing.
It's hard to say cut out the media, but I just wish people would be more wary.
It is the people's fault too, but I am not so prepared to really blame them because--how could you teach yourself something you yourself have never learned? So this is tough ground to tread on. It is certainly the fault of the educated who turn their noses on their people and their communities once they get out rather than go back and educate others. We are at war. Not many people realize this, but we are at war. Our minds, our future's, our children's futures--all of this is at stake. We must band together. We must fight together. Like I said before, stop blaming each other. Saying the problem is someone else's and separating yourself apart from it you are setting yourself, and others like you, up for failure. WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER. WE HAVE TO. Nobody puts blacks down better than other blacks! The fact that black men refuse black women is HARD EVIDENCE of this fact! WHY? Blacks are only hurting themselves by doing this. Only exposing their own self hatred and prejudices. Only dooming themselves. I said it before and I'll say it again; united we stand, divided we fall. Stop turning your back on your people. Stop judging them. Accept them as you wish to be accepted. We need to lift our people up, not knock them down further. This dog-eat-dog mentality plagues and kills the black community. The black community needs to learn to be just that--A COMMUNITY, a union of people who care about and support each other!
There is absolutely NO justification for black men to disregard and degrade black women. NONE. NEVER. It's hypocritical to want to fight for equality and then turn around and oppress someone else. It's pure bullshit plane and simple and, though I may have grudgingly tolerated in the past when I was young and stupid, I can never and well never accept it ever again.
I may have jested before about races mixing, but I mean it seriously. Black women. If you are unhappy you should never have to settle for someone just because they are available and your race. You doom yourself to a sad future. You're worth more and if a man can't understand that (not just a black man, any man), then look for someone better. There are men of worth out there, you just need to look with colorblind eyes. There are men out there who don't just SAY they respect women and SAY that women are worth more, their thoughts and actions follow through with every statement. It's hard to distinguish those that "say" from those that "do," but they're there.
Try not to a let events from the past or prejudices bitter your judgment though. Have faith in people. Trust a little. Give people a chance. You will get hurt, true, but you will also allow yourself the chance to find true love.
Hiding, hating, guarding yourself, that's easy--especially if you've been hurt before. But going out there, trusting, loving, letting go--that's hard. Be strong. Everything worth having in life calls for a fight.
And I know good men exist because I have one of the best ♥ XD"
I'd like to add a little disclaimer. I, to, make the mistake of overgeneralizing in this debate. The issues addressed, I believe, have more to do with privilege and socio-economic status than they do to race. I also admit that in the heat of the moment I played a little tit-for-tat about black men and black women.
I am actually a very big advocate for the rights of men of colour as well.
As I mentioned this issue isn't it's own problem.. It's a symptom of a greater more deadly problem.
The risk you take crossing the border.
The thought of you kills me every time you come to mind.
I long for you still, why? There is nothing you can offer me--or really, have ever offered me, yet I long for you still. I guess it's because you were my friend. You were my friend back when I felt like I didn't have any. You called yourself my "best friend." We were only supposed to be friends--but you're the one who wanted more! If I had known that crossing that line would do to us what it has done--would put us in the place we are now, I would have fought harder at the border.
We could have been friends.
We could have been best friends.
But now...
I HATE you.
I hate you because I miss you.
I long for you still, why? There is nothing you can offer me--or really, have ever offered me, yet I long for you still. I guess it's because you were my friend. You were my friend back when I felt like I didn't have any. You called yourself my "best friend." We were only supposed to be friends--but you're the one who wanted more! If I had known that crossing that line would do to us what it has done--would put us in the place we are now, I would have fought harder at the border.
We could have been friends.
We could have been best friends.
But now...
I HATE you.
I hate you because I miss you.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
REAL LIFE ADVICE: Boys and Self Esteem
The following piece is a bit of real life advice I gave to someone. For their own anonymity and protection I have taken out their name and rewritten their letter to me (as well as gave them one of those little names you read in advice columns and stuff in magazines :P).
Dear Sam,
I hate the person I have become. I try very hard to stay confident and happy, but most of the time it just feels like I am pretending so no one will see how hurt I am. It seems the harder I try to build up my self esteem, the more self conscious I become!
What's worse is this boy that I used to like doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore! I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him, but all he's done is taken me for granted. I just want to forget him and erase him from my life, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
Please help,
WhereIsTheOldMe
Dear WhereIsTheOldMe,
First I'd like to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are not alone! The way you are feeling is natural and just about every person, especially women, that I have spoken to go through this at some point in their lives. I've only recently been able to get over these feelings of inadequacy and, admittedly, sometimes I still relapse. Factoring boys into the equation makes things more difficult. I could tell you to just forget him, but if things were that easy you would have a long time ago wouldn't you?
I wish I could tell you a quick and easy way to get over this, but this is a challenge from God. In life only the strong survive. So now you must ask yourself; are you weak or are you strong? If you are weak you can let these feelings overwhelm and devour you until there is nothing left of you. If you are strong you can fight against them! It isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
So how do you fight? You start to change your way of thinking. For example, instead of wondering what is wrong with you because that boy doesn't like you ask yourself what is wrong with HIM. Get conceited! You are a beautiful, talented, caring young woman whose future is bright. What reject wouldn't want to be with you? What a loser! It's his lose, not yours. There is NOTHING he can offer you that you can't get better somewhere else. You are better than him simply because you know how to connect and care for people. He is inept, incapable of basic human courtesy and he'll suffer for it later. This may sound bad but make a mental list of all the ways you're better than him and you might start to feel better. You'll still think about him, but at least when you do you'll just think about how stupid he is for not realizing how amazing you are!
Aside from that you need to extinguish the negativity that has let loose in your mind. Combat these negative images with a whole list of positive attributes about yourself. Sit down for awhile and on a sheet of paper list 100 things that make you an amazing person. Don't be shy or humble, write it all down. It will be difficult, you may breakdown. I had to do this for myself (thanks to my Prof) and it was very challenging, but you can do it. Fill up this list and inte
rnalize it and every time you are feeling bad, look at it again and even add to it. These positive attributes are your soldiers to fight the darkness. When you think about them and believe in them you give them the strength they need to fight. If you feel the need to stop or feel like you can't do this, fight against those dark feelings. Those feelings of inadequacy are trying to control you. You're right, it's not you, it's a dark evil force trying to control your mind--don't let it win!
You have friends and family members that love you. Hold them. Don't be shy. If you don't want to share how you're feeling with them, that's fine. But tell them that you love them and you will find that regardless of what you may think about yourself, they love and will always love you, too.
Hope this helps,
Sam
Dear Sam,
I hate the person I have become. I try very hard to stay confident and happy, but most of the time it just feels like I am pretending so no one will see how hurt I am. It seems the harder I try to build up my self esteem, the more self conscious I become!
What's worse is this boy that I used to like doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore! I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him, but all he's done is taken me for granted. I just want to forget him and erase him from my life, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
Please help,
WhereIsTheOldMe
Dear WhereIsTheOldMe,
First I'd like to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are not alone! The way you are feeling is natural and just about every person, especially women, that I have spoken to go through this at some point in their lives. I've only recently been able to get over these feelings of inadequacy and, admittedly, sometimes I still relapse. Factoring boys into the equation makes things more difficult. I could tell you to just forget him, but if things were that easy you would have a long time ago wouldn't you?
I wish I could tell you a quick and easy way to get over this, but this is a challenge from God. In life only the strong survive. So now you must ask yourself; are you weak or are you strong? If you are weak you can let these feelings overwhelm and devour you until there is nothing left of you. If you are strong you can fight against them! It isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
So how do you fight? You start to change your way of thinking. For example, instead of wondering what is wrong with you because that boy doesn't like you ask yourself what is wrong with HIM. Get conceited! You are a beautiful, talented, caring young woman whose future is bright. What reject wouldn't want to be with you? What a loser! It's his lose, not yours. There is NOTHING he can offer you that you can't get better somewhere else. You are better than him simply because you know how to connect and care for people. He is inept, incapable of basic human courtesy and he'll suffer for it later. This may sound bad but make a mental list of all the ways you're better than him and you might start to feel better. You'll still think about him, but at least when you do you'll just think about how stupid he is for not realizing how amazing you are!
Aside from that you need to extinguish the negativity that has let loose in your mind. Combat these negative images with a whole list of positive attributes about yourself. Sit down for awhile and on a sheet of paper list 100 things that make you an amazing person. Don't be shy or humble, write it all down. It will be difficult, you may breakdown. I had to do this for myself (thanks to my Prof) and it was very challenging, but you can do it. Fill up this list and inte
rnalize it and every time you are feeling bad, look at it again and even add to it. These positive attributes are your soldiers to fight the darkness. When you think about them and believe in them you give them the strength they need to fight. If you feel the need to stop or feel like you can't do this, fight against those dark feelings. Those feelings of inadequacy are trying to control you. You're right, it's not you, it's a dark evil force trying to control your mind--don't let it win!
You have friends and family members that love you. Hold them. Don't be shy. If you don't want to share how you're feeling with them, that's fine. But tell them that you love them and you will find that regardless of what you may think about yourself, they love and will always love you, too.
Hope this helps,
Sam
I am strong.
The fact that it is easier to hate than it is to love only provides evidence to love's incomprehensible power. Only the STRONG are capable of LOVING. I am learning to be stronger everyday.
The Cruelty of Photographs
In a way pictures are cruel. They make us realize how little we appreciate the important things in life; they remind us of those we have lost and all the things we once were and never will be again. Memories are erased in our mind to ease pain. Pictures assure us that the pain will always remain.
Excess Baggage
It's amazing what wonders one is able to behold in life when they are not weighed down by excess baggage.
Amputation
Letting go of someone or something close to you is like having a grossly infected finger, or toe, or even a whole limb. You can't imagine what your life will be like without it, but it's now harmful to you. If you don't amputate you risk further infection. So, you must cut it off and relearn how to live your life, entirely, without it.
The Hunters (Poem)
Men such as these are not to be feared but to be cautious of
They only care about numbers and beautiful women,
and especially beautiful women in numbers
They take pride in turning woman against woman
and are pleased when they can turn woman against herself--
though they will act naive to the game
These men are hunters
but women, we are panthers--
so bite off their heads before they shoot
They only care about numbers and beautiful women,
and especially beautiful women in numbers
They take pride in turning woman against woman
and are pleased when they can turn woman against herself--
though they will act naive to the game
These men are hunters
but women, we are panthers--
so bite off their heads before they shoot
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