But...we've been together so long! and I still love him!

Alright, this is an issue that seems to come up a lot...and frankly I'm tired of being nice about it, because the answer (albeit hard to do for most) is quite simple.

The issue is this.  Someone (male or female, gay or straight, it doesn't matter--I've heard it from everyone) is in a relationship (or friendship) with another person s/he no longer likes or loves anymore.  Or.  S/he is in a relationship/friendship that has lasted so long that the two have changed over time in ways that are no longer compatible.  And now S/he is unhappy because s/he no longer feels what s/he felt before or s/he is still in love but this other person doesn't want what s/he wants out of the relationship.

So now s/he doesn't know what to do.  I've talked to people who have been in relationships like this for years, months, or even just a few weeks and the end results always seem to be the same.  Either they feel pressured to stay with this person out of obligation or they desperately try to cling to this person in hopes that one day ONE DAY they'll get exactly what they want.

Both outcomes are downright miserable and so so sad.

I'm not saying that these people who are dealing with it are miserable and sad--I'm just saying the situation is a really crappy one to be in.  And if you're in it--hey!  Don't feel bad, okay?  I feel like everyone who has dipped their feet in the dating pool has had to deal with this at LEAST once.

SO.  Let's break it down.  Since there are two distinct instances I'll break it up into two parts.  But...we've been together so long! and I still love him (or her)!


But...we've been together so long!

This applies to a bunch of different relationships.  High School sweethearts that are now in college--or have even graduated college and are looking to start their lives in the "real world." Best friends who have grown up together.  Or even just a couple (or friends) that have dated/hung out for a few years.  I'm sure there are other scenarios you can apply it to, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Just to be clear, the situation is this; in the beginning these two were completely compatible, possibly even inseparable--but now--due to some sort of change, one (or maybe even both) people no longer feel happy or satisfied with the relationship.  But they stay together anyway, because that's just how it's always been.  It feels like, them together is how it should always be--even if they are unhappy.

Why is it so hard to end this type of relationship?

This type of relationship is hard to end for a few different reasons.

The first reason is that the relationship has lasted so long that the person who is unhappy might not even realize s/he has the OPTION of calling it quits.  S/he has been with this other person for so long it's all they know.  Even though S/he is unhappy s/he doesn't know how s/he would properly function without it.  S/he doesn't know that it's possible TO function without it. 

Second reason is fear.  Perhaps s/he does know that s/he can end it.  It is an option for him/her.  What holds him/her back is the fear of the unknown.  His/her life will have to change dramatically if s/he removes this other person from his/her life.  Change is something s/he is more afraid to deal with than being in an unhappy relationship.

Another example of fear is not just fear that life will change, but fear that s/he will lose his/her identity.  This relationship has become so ingrained in this person's life it has defined who they are.  Without it, who are they?  Who were they?  Who will they become?

The third reason is--the time!  So much TIME invested in this relationship!  To end it all feels like all that time, effort, and energy was a total waste! 

So what do you do if this is you?

I can't tell you what to do.  I won't tell you what to do.  Because if I tell you what to do and you end up listening and hating everything that happens as a result I don't want you to blame me.  I can only tell you what I think from what I've observed and what I've been through on my own.  So...here is my opinion on what you COULD do based on which issue is holding you back.

Change is possible.  If what's holding you back is this first issue well...then you probably aren't even looking for advice because you don't even realize you have a serious problem on your hands.  There's a couple of different levels to this type of relationship, but it can be really serious.  If you are in a bad relationship and someone is hurting you and you feel like this is just how it is--you need help--and fast, before things get out of hand. 

If this isn't you, but someone you know, you need to get them help--from a professional.  This is something that you can't handle on your own.  When a person has lost all hope it is very difficult to reach them and at times you WILL get frustrated because it will seem like you are doing everything you can to help them and they just aren't responding.  Get help from a professional.  Contact your local mental health and hygiene department.  Let them know what's going on.  Speak to a counselor or a therapist or a teacher or someone you look up to and respect.  Don't try to help this person on your own. 

But perhaps your situation isn't as serious as all that.  For you, the answer is going to be difficult to carry out, but is actually a simple solution. 

First, stop being so blind.  You are unhappy, stop ignoring your unhappiness!  Acknowledge it and stop brushing it away!   There is a REASON you are feeling this way!  Don't act like it's all in your head!  Even if it IS in your head and the person isn't really doing anything wrong, you still feel bad and it's important to respect that.  Maybe they are really nice people and there's no justification for you not wanting to be with them--but that doesn't matter.  This is your life.  Don't live your life unhappily just because you don't want to hurt somebody.

Second, be courageous.  You don't need this relationship to function.  If you feel this way I would suggest really starting to spend time with just yourself and getting to know yourself.  Show yourself how strong you can be on your own.  It may surprise you what you're capable of. 

Third, you might be bored.  Maybe there's nothing wrong with this relationship at all.  Maybe you do want to be with this person and you do love them.  Maybe, the reason you are so unsatisfied is because you are BORED.  If that's the case--hey!!  That's actually pretty awesome.  Take the second bit of advice I just gave and start going out on your own more.  Spice up your life; do new things and meet new people.  You may find that the person you were with is still your one and only--but you just needed some space.  Go you, now you know you DO want to be with this person, you just needed to branch out more.  Or you'll meet someone new and see what was holding you back was not trying.  I would say though that is this is the case, DON'T CHEAT!  That is such a horrible thing to do.  Grow a pair and have a real break up.  Only cowards cheat.  And if it "just happens" then you still need to be honest and talk it out.  If you try to hide dirty laundry eventually someone will smell it and find it. 

Second issue, fear.  All of the advice I just gave could apply to you too.  On top of that I'd like to add, change is not a bad thing.  To grow as a person you must be willing to change.  Yes, you are going to have to adjust your life if this relationship ends--but you shouldn't see that as a bad thing.  It will be difficult, especially if you have all the same friends and still go to all the same places.  There will be a period of adjustment that is just going to SUCK and you're going to want to just go back to the way things were.  But if you can get through it you'll be rewarded in the end by finding yourself and who you are.  There's a good chance that you'll love your new life way more than you ever did the one you have now grown accustomed to. 

I'd also like to say that ending a relationship doesn't mean that you aren't you anymore.  I feel like people really do themselves a disservice when they define themselves on such specific terms.  Then again all around us in our media we are surrounded by simple one-dimensional characters and archetypes of how things and people should be.  The truth is you are not so simple.  Within your body are many different "yous," you just don't realize.  There is a "you" when you're with your family, there is a "you" when you're with your friends, there is a different "you" at work, at home, and hanging out.  Calling off a relationship only really alters or gets rid of only one "you," all the rest need not be affected by the change.  You should not feel so sad.  This is an opportunity.  By making the change you are allowing yourself to create a brand new "you" and, if you are thinking of it consciously, you can control what that "you" will be like.  I'm not saying go off and start to pretend to be someone you're not, like in those lame teeny bopper movies.  I mean, go off and try things you've always wanted to try, but didn't because it wasn't "who you are."  Go off and try things that you never thought you would try.  Make a list of all the attributes you "wish you had" and try to embody them.  For example, if you are a shy person who always wanted to be more outgoing, go out, talk to make yourself talk to new people.  Be responsible, but be creative too.  Creating a new "you" can be a lot of fun! 

And remember, don't let people who say "but that isn't who you are," hold you back from creating your new "you."  Don't let others define your person.  Also, don't make changes out of spite or to make others happy.  The changes you make should be personal choices just for you and only you.   

As for the third issue, time, well.  Come on.  Give me a break.  YEAH.  You wasted a lot of fucking time.  So how does it make sense to waste EVEN MORE to justify wasting the time in the first place?  Just cut your losses and keep it moving!  That's all I have to say about that.


I still love him!
(or her)

Under this category we still have the same lot from before with the addition of crushes, blossoming romances, one night stands, and here and there flings.  Or whatever.  It could actually apply to any relationship really.  The issue here is that something in the relationship has changed drastically.  Or perhaps this is the point of view of the other person from the last scenario.  The POV of the person someone has fallen out of love with.  To put this problem bluntly something has occurred that has made these two people incompatible and yet, for whatever reason, one (or both) individual(s) feels the need to drag the relationship out.

Before I continue, I'm just going to point out.  I'VE BEEN THERE.  And it sucks rotten Easter eggs from last year.  That being said, I'm going to seem really mean in this section--but only because the people in it need the harsh truth of the matter D:<.  If I coddle you, absolutely nothing will get accomplished.

So why do people stay in these relationships?

There are two main reasons why people stay in these relationships (in my opinion, of course).  The first reason is a conscious reason--one the person uses as justification for their insane actions.  The second reason is subconscious--the true problem that the person dealing with the issue doesn't even realize is there.

The conscious reason.  S/he feels they are in love, they have never felt this way before in their life, no one has treated them so well, etc. etc. etc.  S/he believes that the person they are enamored with is meant to be with them (if only this, this, this, and this were different) and are depressed when not with this other person.  They take this to mean that only this one person in the world can bring them true happiness.  WHY OH WHY CAN'T THIS PERSON SEE HOW MUCH S/HE LOVES THEM SO VERY VERY MUCH???

The subconscious reason.  This is going to hurt.  S/he hates themselves.  Or maybe they don't HATE themselves, but they certainly don't like themselves very much.  Or there is something in their life that they aren't too fond of but have no control over.  One way or another there is something, other than this relationship, that is stressing them out and making them very unhappy.  This relationship (and ALSO the drama tied to the relationship) is an escape for him/her from his/her real issues.  The happiness this other person brought him/her was like a drug, relief from the pain of life.  Now s/he have become addicts, desperately wanting more and more anyway they can get it.

What do you do if this is you?

Stop.

You need to fucking stop.

It's going to be hard as hell but you need to cut this person out of your life.  Even if they haven't really hurt you, even if they are actually nice people, you need to cut this person out of your life.  If you don't you are going to start to resent them.  You are never going to have them the way you want them and this is going to make you bitter.  Even if you DO get them, they will never be as amazing as you've made them out to be in your head--it's impossible.  The relationship is tainted.  It sucks.  It really really sucks.  And I'm sorry that it sucks so much and this is all the advice I could give you--but the absolute best thing you could is to just treasure the good memories you had together and cut them out completely. 

This may be too difficult for you to do on your own so get your friends in on it--but only really close friends who won't hate you if you curse at them and won't hesitate to curse you out if you're being stupid.  Tell them you need to get rid of this person.  Hang out and let yourself be distracted.  Try and have fun.  Develop new routines. 

That's the first part.  The second part is to look inside yourself and find the real problem.  What is REALLY making you unhappy?  Do you dislike yourself?  If so, what is it about yourself that is making you so unhappy?  Is there something going on in your life you're having a hard time coping with?  Are you facing something stressful and difficult that you'd rather not deal with?  Now is the time to be honest.  Be brutally honest with yourself and try to tackle these issues head on instead of using relationship drama to escape it.  If you feel that what you're dealing with is too big to handle by yourself then talk it out with people.  I promise they'll be way more interested in helping you with this, than helping you win the heart of your former lover.  If your friends can't help you and there's no one in your family you can talk to seek out the help of counselors, mentors, teachers, hell--even online forums.  Do NOT ignore the issue.  If you can get through working it out you will be rewarded with much healthier happier relationships in your future.  When you have a healthy respect for yourself and are happy with your life, the standards you have for who you let into your life will be much higher and well defined. 

Finding someone who is compatible with you is a lot easier when you actually know who you are.

Yes.  Maybe one day you and this other person can be friends (especially if you cut things off before they go sour), but I wouldn't let that be a priority.  If you become friends in the future, let it be because something brought you two back together again.  Don't PLAN to be friends.  It'll only confuse and complicated things and delay your progress.

I did all of this and as a result I met my fiance. :)  As for the person I was obsessed with...after all the soul searching I did I realized...he was really sort of bottom of the barrel material--nothing I had made him out to be in my mind. D:  I do regret not ending things with him sooner because it is possible that we could have been friends in the end---but hey... 

...you live, you learn, and then you write a blog about it.

 

BHC has its own blog :)

Things were getting a bit crowded and confused over at Follow the Stray so I moved us over here.  Hope you all enjoy the new space.

New Body or New Wardrobe?

Thanks to my pregnancy my body has changed a lot this year.  Because of that I've had to focus more attention to my clothing; what works with my body, what doesn't, what cuts and looks are flattering, what looks should I avoid like the plague.  Funny that my interest in fashion would a peak at a time when it would be a waste to spend a lot of time and money on my wardrobe (I'll have to retire it all soon anyway!  No sense getting attached!)  But--I really have been thinking a lot about body image and clothing, not just for pregnant women, but all women (sorry guys, your fashion is rarely on my mind).

I guess my interest in this topic started when I started reading maternity material.  A lot of the articles and literature I would read said it was normal for women to feel self conscious about their bodies, hate how big they were getting, feel like their bodies were ruined.  I thought this was weird because I didn't think those things at all.  Watching my belly expand has been one of my favorite things about pregnancy.  And I actually like the weight I've gained; my cheeks are fuller, my thighs thicker, and my butt--que sexy!  Haha!  I am a little peeved about how big my breasts have gotten because all that I can wear comfortably is maternity sports bras (though they are the most comfortable bras I've ever had.  So wonderful I think I'm just going to wear sports bras from now on haha).  I also am not too thrilled by the extra arm fat I've gained, but not necessarily because of how it looks.  I can't really see it so I don't care all that much about it.  I just don't like how it feels jiggling when I wash the dishes.  It's weird.

Anyway, my point is, I'm just fine with how my body has changed--but there IS one thing that has made me self conscious.

My clothes.

They don't fit.

And now that I'm 32 weeks even my maternity clothes are starting to feel a little snug (I bought this pair of maternity jeans that fit perfectly when my belly first started showing, but now I can't even get them over my thighs--eff you maternity jeans!  What good are you!).


Now when I go out I must waste about an hour sulking in my room because none of my favorite outfits fit right and whatever I'm stuck settling on is never my top pick for the night.

However, I never blame my body for not looking right in my clothes, I blame my clothes for not fitting right!  This, I realize, is a way of thinking not all people have.


Though not as extreme, this self blaming is not uncommon.  I've heard many women (and even more men) degrade their bodies for the sake of their clothes.

Sure their is some media blame to go around.  Everyone wants to look like a celebrity and no one ever really does.  But let's look at that realistically.  Celebs not only have make-up artists, wardrobe personnel, personal trainers, and money to blow on diet pills, plastic surgery, and all that other nonsense--but they also have perfect lighting on set and stage, airbrushing, and digital technology which corrects all their "flaws" before you ever see them on screen or in magazines.  You can't ever look like them, because THEY don't even look like that!

Then of course we can blame the fashion industry for putting out clothes that are meant for one specific body type.  Skinny jeans = not meant for everyone.  Short shorts are not such a good idea for all either.  Those baggy midriff shirts that are out now, yeah...not a good look on everyone either (though I have to say that the longer ones tend to be pretty flattering on most body types).

You can blame just about anyone, but honestly that's not going to make you feel better about who you are and what you look like.

The first step about feeling good about your body is to be honest with yourself.  Some cuts and trends just won't work with your body type and--hey!  That is OKAY!!!  Don't freak out over it!    I for one love Asian street fashion, for example, but the looks tend to favor leaner less curvy bodies (especially up to) so many of the looks really don't work well for me.  Yeah, it sucks when you really like a certain look and it doesn't look right on you, but it sucks even more to buy clothes that make you feel bad.

The most popular trends are not going to always be the ones that look the best on you.  Brush up on the differences between styles in shirts, jeans, dresses, and everything else.  Learn about what looks best on what body type.  You may find that a style you never even considered looks like it was made just for you when you put it on.  For example, right around the time I got pregnant I discovered the high waisted pants and skirts were very flattering on my figure because I had a small waist, but was heavy on top and in my butt and hips.  Before I tried the look out I laughed at anything with a high waist.  I thought it was ridiculous.  After I tried the look, wearing anything low at the waist just seemed blah to me.  Be open minded!

Don't blame yourself for something not looking good on you.  It is NOT your body's fault.  I mean, do people have any idea how hard their bodies work for them?  Your body works for you 24/7; turning food into energy, allowing you to enjoy five senses, getting you from place to place, uhm...keeping you ALIVE.  I think the body deserves just a little more respect than it gets--and clothes that do it justice!   Try a different size, a different style, a different cut.  Try to figure out what it is that isn't working and avoid picking out other things that have that same problem.

If you love something and you love how you look in it then don't worry about what other people have to say about it.  The point of me writing all this is not to get on people for dressing a certain way.  If you feel confident in your clothing then do you.  I'm only saying this for those who aren't happy when they look in the mirror.

Remember, a self conscious person blames their body for their clothes not looking right--but a confident person blames their clothes for not fitting!  Where do you fit in?

Do you look good in your clothes or do your clothes look good on you?