I've wanted to write about this but it just sounds soooo corny...I mean. I really can't even put into words how I really feel about this person and how I believe he feels about me.
We aren't together in the traditional sense and I've said some things out of anger about our "relationship" that I regret (debating on taking down the posts...blah)...
The truth is that this person really makes me happy when we are together and it is the purest, cleanest, most genuine happy I have ever shared with a partner.
In the past I felt I was in love when I obsessed over someone and longed for them so bad I felt sick about it. I did anything for these people, for their approval, for their affection...it was...really just very pitiful. I can't believe I was that person not too long ago.
The love I feel now isn't like that at all. That's what makes me feel like this MUST be the real deal.
The old love made me feel horrible about myself unless I was with whoever it was I was with...essentially...putting myself beneath them.
This love elevates me, not above him, but on an equal plane.
In this love I can feel myself getting better, getting stronger, not because of him no...the power doesn't come form him it comes from...I don't know...it comes from us. The power is mine but I would've never found it if he hadn't pointed it out, does that make sense? He saw something special in me I didn't know was there and showed me and...now I love him AND myself.
Maybe that's what the difference is. I love MYSELF.
I don't think I could say that in any other relationship...but I really really really do love myself now :)
Which is why now when I'm upset I'm quick to beat him up for upsetting me D:<
But however harsh my words may be...I never mean them...at least, not for too long.
In this kind of love forgiveness comes as easy and natural as breathing. I think it's because faith is in my blood. I believe in him. I don't get jealous. I don't distrust him. When he tells me something I know in my heart it's true.
He cannot lie to me because I feel his words. He does not need to speak for me to understand. When he is sad I know because I feel his sadness. When he is happy my smile becomes wider. When he is angry I get anxious be I feel his harsh cold energy zap the air out of the room. He can mask himself from all but me and he knows it which is why he never even tries to hide what it feels from me.
He doesn't need to speak for me to understand. We've had whole conversations with only our eyes. Conversations that words could never do justice to because if eyes are the windows to the soul then when our eyes meet our souls dance together with sensational passion.
I don't want to say soulmates. Because that just sounds stupid. And I feel like...the misuse of that term just cheapens our connection. So like the label for our relationship now I choose to call our relationship nothing. It just is. And I think it's beautiful and the greatest power I've ever held.
It is that power that has caused us trouble...and for those who know us and have wondered about our "divide" your nosyness is about to be rewarded lol.
T...erm...the tiger loves me. He really does. He doesn't have to say it for me to know it's true. Like I said I feel it in his energy. In his look...in his touch...in the way he moves...dripping from every word he speaks to me--even those spoken out of frustration I hear and I feel and I see his love, his respect, his reverence. Texts messages and e-mails turn feelings mute and cold. It's hard to tell sometimes what people really mean in them--even with our connection this remains true for us as well. But when I'm with him in person, I know. I feel it so deeply that any shadow of a doubt that may have snuck its way in the corners of my mind is immediately snuffed out. Call me young, naive, a romantic, whatever, I don't care--but until you've felt what I feel you could never understand.
Anyway, the point is, the tiger loves me and there is no way anyone can make me think or believe otherwise.
I love him just as truly.
That wasn't the problem with our relationship. If we had nothing but the two of us we would have been just fine.
The problem was...reality...and how much it sucks to live in it (then people wonder why I like to stow away in my head).
Reality hit the tiger hard. More than he could handle at one time. I won't get into the details of it since that is his life and not my story to tell.
But, opinionated and stubborn as we were, we both devised very smart but very different ways of tackling the reality problem.
In his opinion he needed to isolate himself. He needed to cut off everything excessive and focus on getting everything back on track. Commendable and smart, certainly. But one of his biggest problems was that he wasn't handling our relationship the way he would like to. He felt he was bringing me down. He felt like he wasn't giving me what I needed. He wasn't giving enough to our relationships. He wasn't helping it thrive. He was afraid if he held on to it, it would die.
He didn't want to kill us...so he let me go in hopes that...someway or another, it would save us.
He was right to feel this way. Being with him since he had been...attacked by reality...has been difficult and often very lonely. Not at all what I was used to with him.
I'm not saying that he's wrong at all for ending it, but...that's just...that's just not what I believe in.
I love him. I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. He makes me happy and I will do anything to give that back to him.
Love to me...true love, it's not about what you can out of it...it's not even about what you can give--it's about what you can SHARE together to lift each other up.
When I was sad and scared, when I was hurt, and he was okay he lifted me up. He didn't turn his back on me. I showed him my emotional scars, my dark side, and he stayed with me. He refused to leave my side. He promised to never abandon me no matter what hardships came my way.
So how could I ever do that to him?!
How could I turn my back on the one man that always had mine?!
How could he ask me to leave him behind when he would never do that to me.
I can't. I can't do that.
I used to find marriage as silly and cliche as talk of soulmates and true love, but not anymore not with the values that marriage is supposed to stand for.
For better or for worse, through sickness and in health--I believe in that to my core.
When you love someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your partner, whoever...whoever it is. When you really love them with all your heart you don't leave them. You don't ever leave them, no matter what.
When someone you love is hurting...is struggling...that is when you need to be the most selfless...that is when you need to put "you" aside and focus on them because that's when they need your love the most. I'm not a fair weather lover. I cannot just walk away when I know someone I love needs support.
All I have to offer him is my love...and I wish...I wish that was enough to make things better, but it isn't. I hope at least that it gives him strength to get through this. I believe it does because...love, you know, love is a pretty damn powerful thing. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize that it's not enough...but I can't lose faith in its power.
"If you love something let it go, and if it doesn't return it was never really yours."
That's what he's living by.
"For better, for worse. Through sickness and in health. As long as you both shall live."
That's what I'm living by.
So who's wrong?
No one. Reality...is not so black and white...is not...so easy to understand.
It's hard. But I keep fighting. He stays resolute in his decision to separate, but I still keep fighting...not to change his mind but to change his life, to do all I can to help things become right again--even if that means standing down and fading into the background.
There is a strong voice inside me that helps me keep faith. That tells me that I need to stay strong for him and even though it's hard sometimes...I do. Because I believe in us. I believe that what we have is worth fighting for, is worth saving, is something most people only ever dream of having, and I'm not letting go! I'm never letting go. Not until he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and his eyes say its true. After all I've been through, after what I've seen, I know that this is something special.
Nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Witnessing him go through this has made me want to work harder at my own life so if and when he does finally make it through we won't have to go through it all again.
I feel stupid to say that I'm waiting for him but...the truth is I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I'd rather be alone than with another and you know what, that's probably good for me right now anyway. Get my head straight. I'm not waiting, but I'm not going off with the purpose of finding another either. I'm just here. Just me. Doing what feels right to me. What my heart and my soul and, hell, even my min are saying I should do.
And if he never makes it through well...
I will treasure what we shared forever and never regret it. I don't know if I'll ever feel it again with another...I don't know if that's possible, but I understand I'm still very young. Who knows what is out there? I don't...if he never makes it through and we're never "officially together" again I hope that I can at least have him in my life. That's all I want and all I need to be happy. His presence.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Boyfriends & "Boyfriends"
With all the advice and the "wisdom" and the blablablah that I give out to all of you and with all of my begging you to share your stories---I have noticed that I have not been so forthcoming with you.
Sure I've ranted a little bit here and there, but for the most part I've purposely left it vague, open, and somewhat impersonal. This is for a few reasons, among which is because the person I care about now likes to keep things private and I {try} to respect that.
So I'm going to try and be a bit more open about my history with this little story about my relationships :P
You'll have to use your imagination a lot to get through it because my mind is very...animated.
Heehee....
******
I used to hate boys.
I used to hate boys because, I think, I used to want to be a boy.
They got to do all the fun stuff and wear the comfy clothes and get the cool toys and all the best shows on TV were made for them.
I love Hot Wheels, and baggy jeans, and big t-shirts, and Dragonball Z.
I hated make-up, and dresses, and the color pink, and doing my hair.
I would pick up worms, and play fight all the other kids, and talk back, and get dirty.
I never talked about all that girly girl crap, or cried when someone picked on me (and if I did cry you bet I made them pay for it!), or painted my nails for fun.
"Boys are stupid!"
Boys are...lucky...awesome...so cool...get everything!
I swore I would never ever ever ever evereverever date a boy.
I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 14.
I say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because it was...
(...as nerdy as it seems {I did mention before I was a nerd right?})
...an online relationship
that lasted 4 years.
I also say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because...
...teenagers are fucking stupid and don't know anything about relationships or love. They think cus they've watched all the Disney movies they can get their hands on and maybe a few episodes of Baywatch or 90210 or One Tree Hill or (c'mon Sam...what do teenagers watch nowadays??? LMFAO...) Gossip Girl(?) or I don't know...I guess some of that reality TV crap...what was my point?
Oh yeah. Teenagers think just cus they got a little hint of the adult life mixed in with their childhood glamorization of what it means to grow-up and fall in love they know everything.
They don't fucking know anything.
In fact, I'm not even saying people my age know anything.
Generally speaking, young people are...
...idiots.
At least when it comes to love.
Anyway.
I also say "boyfriend" instead of boyfriend because...
...out of the four years we were together I saw him in person maybe 4 times.
Now don't get me wrong. An intellectual relationship is just as important as a physical relationship....but not more important. Through my experience I find that there are certain things that just cannot be said or felt or understood unless you're physically with someone.
A relationship that lacks face-to-face presence lacks a lot.
I love him. Or at least I thought I did....
No I loved him. I still love him...in a certain way...a special way, but not in an "in love" sort of way.
I think I was with him because that's what normal girls were supposed to do. Have boyfriends.
He made me happy.
When I talk to him, he still makes me happy (we've recently become friends again).
He is genuinely a good person and honestly...there just aren't enough of those in the world.
I was happy to have him in my life because my teen years were among the darkest and hardest I've ever felt and he was a constant light in a shadows; the voice of a guardian angel pushing me to move on.
And I did push on...all the way to college...
When I slayed that angel to team up with the devil.
There were signs.
There were so many signs that I shouldn't have done it.
Trying to stop me....
The letters of our name spelled "trouble."
A diamond in the ring the angel gave me fell out when I was with the devil.
A necklace the angel gave me mysteriously and without any force or pull snapped around my neck and fell to the ground in the devil's presence.
In my animated world the devil (long before I saw him for what he was) took on the persona of a tall lanky shadow figure with no notable features except is pointy horn like ears, long claws, and evil Cheshire cat smile.
There were so many signs to stay away...
But my self destructive nature ignored all that and stepped deep into the darkness.
The devil stole two years of my life and a large portion of my soul.
He took it and shredded it before my eyes and devoured it raw.
He killed me many times. I used to be a black cat. He ate eight of my nine lives.
With each life lost I forgot more and more about who I used to be...who I wanted to be...who I was. I had no dreams, no ambitions, I was a ghost.
No.
Worse than a ghost.
Must've been.
Because ghosts...ghosts have something they hold on to in order to keep themselves tethered to this world. I had nothing, wanted nothing. My life was so so empty.
The devil got drunk of my life energy, my soul, my dreams, he ate me alive.
Until I was on my last life.
He tried to take it...He tried to stomp my light out for good. Gobble me up so that I was no more and so that he could move on to the next.
But a fire ignited in my chest...
I realize now it was the remnants of my soul fighting for life.
The black cat ran away...all the way to Italy to escape the devil.
Thank God for customs, visas, metal detectors, and outrageous plane ticket prices or the devil may have gotten me. ;)
The black cat may have gotten away...but I was wounded and I could not heal fast enough.
I tried to give what was left of my heart to a few in hopes that one of them might save me. These were neither "boyfriends" or boyfriends but...
Rebounds.
Sad...
Regrettable...
Rebounds...
None of which made me better. In fact...the shame of it all was what stomped the black cat's lights out for good.
I died in Italy.
My corpse laid rotting, smelling, and disgusting...it was so sickening the ghost of me lit it on fire and stomped it out.
But from the black cat's ashes two creatures sprung; the dark cynical and clever fox, and the fiery beautiful, yet naive phoenix. My soul was reborn again--but it was divided. My heart and mind were now ruled by the two opposing forces of my soul.
When I returned to the states the fox wanted to play wicked games with other people. It did not want to hurt or be toyed with but wasn't necessarily opposed to hurting or toying with others. It stood proudly, pretending not to care at all about the world around it, but shook its beautiful shiny red tail around to make sure attention was had.
A naive little pup took the bait and tagged along.
The fox me found the pup to be a pest but at the same time amusing enough to not shoo away completely. The phoenix was charmed and adored the pup immediately.
The fox warned the phoenix not to fall in love.
But the phoenix didn't listen.
The pup wasn't a boyfriend or a "boyfriend" but a {boyfriend}. That's when the {boyfriend} is silent. For example; this is {my boyfriend} Pup.
The phoenix in me was still so young and naive. It still craved love and attention and, in truth, the pup was kinder and gentler and sweeter than the devil ever was.
Naive as I was I fell for the bait.
I believe that because he was so kind to me (at first) he was somewhat of a savior (sad I know). I became so reliant on him his love, his affection, his attention, were all like a drug to me. I felt I needed it to survive. If he wasn't there...if he wasn't with me...my light would burn out again. I was scared to turn to ash.
I suffocated him with my drug addict love and as the pup grew into a dog he grew tired of the phoenix. He really wanted the fox, but the fox loathed him. She had hidden herself away inside me, waiting for the right moment to lash out. All that was left was the baby phoenix. The dog disapproved, jumped the fence, and ran away in search of new foxes to chase.
I was devastated. I moped and moped and moped....even though the dog was a {boyfriend} he had felt like a boyfriend to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was only ever just a "boyfriend"....actually worse than that...a "{boyfriend}"
"{Boyfriends}" are only there when they want to be, never when you need them.
"{Boyfriends}" hate when you call them "boyfriends" and especially when you call them boyfriends because they're just "{boyfriends}"
BUT
They're quick to call you "girlfriend" or girlfriend when their territory is threatened.
See...
"{Boyfriends}" want all of the fun and none of the responsibility.
"{Boyfriends}" want lots of "girlfriends" and {girlfriends} but they can't handle "{girlfriends}" because that would mean that their games are being played on them.
I've lost you haven't I?
Let me pause for a second to give you a lesson in Sam's Relaitonshipology.
Boyfriends are the simplest. They're just boyfriends. You call them your boyfriend, they respond to being your boyfriend. When you introduce them you say, "This is my boyfriend, Soandso."
"Boyfriends" are slightly more complicated. There are a few categories to them but they're all called "boyfriends." "Boyfriends" are boyfriends that (1) don't really count all that much; elementary school and a good portion of high school relationships may be counted in this, (2) someone you're embarrassed to be your boyfriend, (3) someone you call your boyfriend and...it's okay...but it's not necessarily true. Generally speaking (1) is the best explanation, a relationship that is superficial and doesn't really count for much but you get to use the title of boyfriend anyway.
Then there's {boyfriends} someone who acts like a boyfriend but the title of boyfriend was never officially given. The biggest problem with {boyfriends} is that you can't get mad at them for being bad boyfriends, because they're not boyfriends, they're {boyfriends}. {Boyfriends} can range anywhere from a secret affair to a guy that's two-timing you to an ex-boyfriend that you still have lingering feelings for. For this reason {boyfriends} can either be good or evil. However...
"{Boyfriends}" should be avoided at all costs. These are the worst of the worst. This type will deny deny deny being your "boyfriend" until it is most convenient for them. They SUCK MAJOR. When they want to go out and they want to see other people they will say things like "well it's not like I'm you're boyfriend...we aren't really together you know." BUT when you want to turn around and do the same thing to them they'll say "but...you know...I consider myself your boyfriend. I care about you a lot." WTF. "{Boyfriends}" are the personification of the trying to have your cake and eating it too.
Little fuckers.
(Do you sense my bitterness and resentment?)
So the dog went from {boyfriend} to "{boyfriend}" and broke the baby phoenix's heart. That's when the fox re-emerged and gave the phoenix a good ol' bitchslap to the beak.
The fox swore it would never be hurt again and without realizing sought out the perfect boyfriend.
This boyfriend had had his share of girlfriends, "girlfriends," {girlfriends}, and "{girlfriend}" and he was tired.
I met him and an instant union was created. For the first time ever I felt like I was in love and not "love." It wasn't that drug addict love, or that disney fairytale love, it was that hard love.
That...you-make-me-so-mad-sometimes but I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-ever-stay-mad-at-you love.
That...I-understand-you-even-though-you-didn't-say-anything love.
That...I-don't-agree-with-what-you-just-said but I-genuinely-respect-your-opinion love.
That...You-REALLY-DO-make-me-better love.
That...Damn-the-cliches but I-never-believed-in-soulmates...til-I-met-you love.
That...Shit-every-thought-I-have-about-you-is-a-love-poem love.
And I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending.
I...united with a true boyfriend at last....a true love at last.
I wish I could say, "and they lived happily ever after."
The End.
But what people don't seem to get is that in life there are no happily ever afters.
A curtain doesn't fall when you get the guy (or girl).
We don't freeze frame a smiling couple at a wedding in real life.
We don't fade to black and show a slide show of happy images of a new blossoming family as the credits roll.
That's not how life works.
There is no such thing as "happily ever after..."
As cynical as it sounds it's true.
Life is hard and bad things happens. Everything in life changes. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry, we feel lonely, we feel joy...we are always changing.
And that's okay.
My love for the last...let's call him my tiger. My love for the tiger has only strengthened over time. I do not call him my boyfriend anymore or my "boyfriend." I suppose in a way he is a {boyfriend} but to me he feels so much more than that. Our relationship transcends labels you see...for the first time ever I don't care what I call him. I don't have to call him anything. He doesn't need a title...he just needs to be there.
I can live my life without him. I can find happiness elsewhere. I can meet new people. I can find a whole array of "boyfriends" and boyfriends and {boyfriends} and plenty of "{boyfriends}". But...I don't want to. I'm content with solely his presence in my life...however large or small it may be...
I could go on and on about it...I can even go into how upset I get when these statements feel untrue to me for whatever reason...but blah...it's unnecessary.
I suppose the moral of the story is...if I had just stopped looking for boyfriends and just opened up to connecting to other people without any intention of labeling our relationships I feel I would have avoided a lot of unfavorable situations in my life and may have cherished some new ones.
Who knows what I would have done. All I know is what I can do now. And that's be happy and grateful for the people that are in my life who make me happy and make me feel good. Those people are important...and I don't care what label people in the future may come with...if they don't make me happy they're out...end of story.
Sure I've ranted a little bit here and there, but for the most part I've purposely left it vague, open, and somewhat impersonal. This is for a few reasons, among which is because the person I care about now likes to keep things private and I {try} to respect that.
So I'm going to try and be a bit more open about my history with this little story about my relationships :P
You'll have to use your imagination a lot to get through it because my mind is very...animated.
Heehee....
******
I used to hate boys.
I used to hate boys because, I think, I used to want to be a boy.
They got to do all the fun stuff and wear the comfy clothes and get the cool toys and all the best shows on TV were made for them.
I love Hot Wheels, and baggy jeans, and big t-shirts, and Dragonball Z.
I hated make-up, and dresses, and the color pink, and doing my hair.
I would pick up worms, and play fight all the other kids, and talk back, and get dirty.
I never talked about all that girly girl crap, or cried when someone picked on me (and if I did cry you bet I made them pay for it!), or painted my nails for fun.
"Boys are stupid!"
Boys are...lucky...awesome...so cool...get everything!
I swore I would never ever ever ever evereverever date a boy.
I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 14.
I say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because it was...
(...as nerdy as it seems {I did mention before I was a nerd right?})
...an online relationship
that lasted 4 years.
I also say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because...
...teenagers are fucking stupid and don't know anything about relationships or love. They think cus they've watched all the Disney movies they can get their hands on and maybe a few episodes of Baywatch or 90210 or One Tree Hill or (c'mon Sam...what do teenagers watch nowadays??? LMFAO...) Gossip Girl(?) or I don't know...I guess some of that reality TV crap...what was my point?
Oh yeah. Teenagers think just cus they got a little hint of the adult life mixed in with their childhood glamorization of what it means to grow-up and fall in love they know everything.
They don't fucking know anything.
In fact, I'm not even saying people my age know anything.
Generally speaking, young people are...
...idiots.
At least when it comes to love.
Anyway.
I also say "boyfriend" instead of boyfriend because...
...out of the four years we were together I saw him in person maybe 4 times.
Now don't get me wrong. An intellectual relationship is just as important as a physical relationship....but not more important. Through my experience I find that there are certain things that just cannot be said or felt or understood unless you're physically with someone.
A relationship that lacks face-to-face presence lacks a lot.
I love him. Or at least I thought I did....
No I loved him. I still love him...in a certain way...a special way, but not in an "in love" sort of way.
I think I was with him because that's what normal girls were supposed to do. Have boyfriends.
He made me happy.
When I talk to him, he still makes me happy (we've recently become friends again).
He is genuinely a good person and honestly...there just aren't enough of those in the world.
I was happy to have him in my life because my teen years were among the darkest and hardest I've ever felt and he was a constant light in a shadows; the voice of a guardian angel pushing me to move on.
And I did push on...all the way to college...
When I slayed that angel to team up with the devil.
There were signs.
There were so many signs that I shouldn't have done it.
Trying to stop me....
The letters of our name spelled "trouble."
A diamond in the ring the angel gave me fell out when I was with the devil.
A necklace the angel gave me mysteriously and without any force or pull snapped around my neck and fell to the ground in the devil's presence.
In my animated world the devil (long before I saw him for what he was) took on the persona of a tall lanky shadow figure with no notable features except is pointy horn like ears, long claws, and evil Cheshire cat smile.
There were so many signs to stay away...
But my self destructive nature ignored all that and stepped deep into the darkness.
The devil stole two years of my life and a large portion of my soul.
He took it and shredded it before my eyes and devoured it raw.
He killed me many times. I used to be a black cat. He ate eight of my nine lives.
With each life lost I forgot more and more about who I used to be...who I wanted to be...who I was. I had no dreams, no ambitions, I was a ghost.
No.
Worse than a ghost.
Must've been.
Because ghosts...ghosts have something they hold on to in order to keep themselves tethered to this world. I had nothing, wanted nothing. My life was so so empty.
The devil got drunk of my life energy, my soul, my dreams, he ate me alive.
Until I was on my last life.
He tried to take it...He tried to stomp my light out for good. Gobble me up so that I was no more and so that he could move on to the next.
But a fire ignited in my chest...
I realize now it was the remnants of my soul fighting for life.
The black cat ran away...all the way to Italy to escape the devil.
Thank God for customs, visas, metal detectors, and outrageous plane ticket prices or the devil may have gotten me. ;)
The black cat may have gotten away...but I was wounded and I could not heal fast enough.
I tried to give what was left of my heart to a few in hopes that one of them might save me. These were neither "boyfriends" or boyfriends but...
Rebounds.
Sad...
Regrettable...
Rebounds...
None of which made me better. In fact...the shame of it all was what stomped the black cat's lights out for good.
I died in Italy.
My corpse laid rotting, smelling, and disgusting...it was so sickening the ghost of me lit it on fire and stomped it out.
But from the black cat's ashes two creatures sprung; the dark cynical and clever fox, and the fiery beautiful, yet naive phoenix. My soul was reborn again--but it was divided. My heart and mind were now ruled by the two opposing forces of my soul.
When I returned to the states the fox wanted to play wicked games with other people. It did not want to hurt or be toyed with but wasn't necessarily opposed to hurting or toying with others. It stood proudly, pretending not to care at all about the world around it, but shook its beautiful shiny red tail around to make sure attention was had.
A naive little pup took the bait and tagged along.
The fox me found the pup to be a pest but at the same time amusing enough to not shoo away completely. The phoenix was charmed and adored the pup immediately.
The fox warned the phoenix not to fall in love.
But the phoenix didn't listen.
The pup wasn't a boyfriend or a "boyfriend" but a {boyfriend}. That's when the {boyfriend} is silent. For example; this is {my boyfriend} Pup.
The phoenix in me was still so young and naive. It still craved love and attention and, in truth, the pup was kinder and gentler and sweeter than the devil ever was.
Naive as I was I fell for the bait.
I believe that because he was so kind to me (at first) he was somewhat of a savior (sad I know). I became so reliant on him his love, his affection, his attention, were all like a drug to me. I felt I needed it to survive. If he wasn't there...if he wasn't with me...my light would burn out again. I was scared to turn to ash.
I suffocated him with my drug addict love and as the pup grew into a dog he grew tired of the phoenix. He really wanted the fox, but the fox loathed him. She had hidden herself away inside me, waiting for the right moment to lash out. All that was left was the baby phoenix. The dog disapproved, jumped the fence, and ran away in search of new foxes to chase.
I was devastated. I moped and moped and moped....even though the dog was a {boyfriend} he had felt like a boyfriend to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was only ever just a "boyfriend"....actually worse than that...a "{boyfriend}"
"{Boyfriends}" are only there when they want to be, never when you need them.
"{Boyfriends}" hate when you call them "boyfriends" and especially when you call them boyfriends because they're just "{boyfriends}"
BUT
They're quick to call you "girlfriend" or girlfriend when their territory is threatened.
See...
"{Boyfriends}" want all of the fun and none of the responsibility.
"{Boyfriends}" want lots of "girlfriends" and {girlfriends} but they can't handle "{girlfriends}" because that would mean that their games are being played on them.
I've lost you haven't I?
Let me pause for a second to give you a lesson in Sam's Relaitonshipology.
Boyfriends are the simplest. They're just boyfriends. You call them your boyfriend, they respond to being your boyfriend. When you introduce them you say, "This is my boyfriend, Soandso."
"Boyfriends" are slightly more complicated. There are a few categories to them but they're all called "boyfriends." "Boyfriends" are boyfriends that (1) don't really count all that much; elementary school and a good portion of high school relationships may be counted in this, (2) someone you're embarrassed to be your boyfriend, (3) someone you call your boyfriend and...it's okay...but it's not necessarily true. Generally speaking (1) is the best explanation, a relationship that is superficial and doesn't really count for much but you get to use the title of boyfriend anyway.
Then there's {boyfriends} someone who acts like a boyfriend but the title of boyfriend was never officially given. The biggest problem with {boyfriends} is that you can't get mad at them for being bad boyfriends, because they're not boyfriends, they're {boyfriends}. {Boyfriends} can range anywhere from a secret affair to a guy that's two-timing you to an ex-boyfriend that you still have lingering feelings for. For this reason {boyfriends} can either be good or evil. However...
"{Boyfriends}" should be avoided at all costs. These are the worst of the worst. This type will deny deny deny being your "boyfriend" until it is most convenient for them. They SUCK MAJOR. When they want to go out and they want to see other people they will say things like "well it's not like I'm you're boyfriend...we aren't really together you know." BUT when you want to turn around and do the same thing to them they'll say "but...you know...I consider myself your boyfriend. I care about you a lot." WTF. "{Boyfriends}" are the personification of the trying to have your cake and eating it too.
Little fuckers.
(Do you sense my bitterness and resentment?)
So the dog went from {boyfriend} to "{boyfriend}" and broke the baby phoenix's heart. That's when the fox re-emerged and gave the phoenix a good ol' bitchslap to the beak.
The fox swore it would never be hurt again and without realizing sought out the perfect boyfriend.
This boyfriend had had his share of girlfriends, "girlfriends," {girlfriends}, and "{girlfriend}" and he was tired.
I met him and an instant union was created. For the first time ever I felt like I was in love and not "love." It wasn't that drug addict love, or that disney fairytale love, it was that hard love.
That...you-make-me-so-mad-sometimes but I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-ever-stay-mad-at-you love.
That...I-understand-you-even-though-you-didn't-say-anything love.
That...I-don't-agree-with-what-you-just-said but I-genuinely-respect-your-opinion love.
That...You-REALLY-DO-make-me-better love.
That...Damn-the-cliches but I-never-believed-in-soulmates...til-I-met-you love.
That...Shit-every-thought-I-have-about-you-is-a-love-poem love.
And I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending.
I...united with a true boyfriend at last....a true love at last.
I wish I could say, "and they lived happily ever after."
The End.
But what people don't seem to get is that in life there are no happily ever afters.
A curtain doesn't fall when you get the guy (or girl).
We don't freeze frame a smiling couple at a wedding in real life.
We don't fade to black and show a slide show of happy images of a new blossoming family as the credits roll.
That's not how life works.
There is no such thing as "happily ever after..."
As cynical as it sounds it's true.
Life is hard and bad things happens. Everything in life changes. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry, we feel lonely, we feel joy...we are always changing.
And that's okay.
My love for the last...let's call him my tiger. My love for the tiger has only strengthened over time. I do not call him my boyfriend anymore or my "boyfriend." I suppose in a way he is a {boyfriend} but to me he feels so much more than that. Our relationship transcends labels you see...for the first time ever I don't care what I call him. I don't have to call him anything. He doesn't need a title...he just needs to be there.
I can live my life without him. I can find happiness elsewhere. I can meet new people. I can find a whole array of "boyfriends" and boyfriends and {boyfriends} and plenty of "{boyfriends}". But...I don't want to. I'm content with solely his presence in my life...however large or small it may be...
I could go on and on about it...I can even go into how upset I get when these statements feel untrue to me for whatever reason...but blah...it's unnecessary.
I suppose the moral of the story is...if I had just stopped looking for boyfriends and just opened up to connecting to other people without any intention of labeling our relationships I feel I would have avoided a lot of unfavorable situations in my life and may have cherished some new ones.
Who knows what I would have done. All I know is what I can do now. And that's be happy and grateful for the people that are in my life who make me happy and make me feel good. Those people are important...and I don't care what label people in the future may come with...if they don't make me happy they're out...end of story.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The I think I want you back letter. . .
. . . I was five seconds away from feeding some asshole's ego, but Samantha told me to, 'Get the FUCK over it'
I'm not being mean. . . just Jazmine.
Not Jak, Jak's too silly and emotional.
I hate to give and give and give and not receive. I also hate cutting people from my life, I really do, but I know when to hold on and when to let go. . . I hate mind fucks and mirror men and china dolls (say little to them don't give them any air to breath in your life they really steal your souls. . . or at least they make me hollow man, voidless-Jak). I realise now that I maybe detrimental in a person life (we can't all be heros someone has to play the villan), I may be a mind fuck, too, I also maybe vibrations in a person's pond, so I've let go. . .
*You told me birds just flock to you. And I'm the queen of the coop. < which is just freakin' mean.
*You told me that you were tired of dating pushy women. < you wrote and said this quite often and just before I left.
*You also wished pregnancy on me. . . you don't remember this. You also don't remember a painting I gave you and you gave me a BP Oil Spill apology attached to an I don't remember.
*You also said you wanted to be inside my mind, but never even asked me a question. . . I felt like I was always asking the questions. < WTF
^ this made me feel like a psycho for 1 month. . . then it snapped I don't give a fuck. Whatever-the fuck. Like a fuck you type a fuck like that poem I wrote 5 yrs ago when I was a teenager type fuck-you. Then I thought there's no point in hating someone, so you're white space (and I don't even know you, really, to hate you.)
I HATE when people talk about other people behind their backs, seriously, even little things. You should be able to talk to your friends about anything even if it hurts. I said, 'don't make it like Africa,' to you . . . but you talked about your friends, then I met them and all I could think about is what you said about them. . . aauughh I hate that ( you said one of his roommates was not the best of dads he said that his daughter called you dad once or something, so just fucking tell him that sheesh. I also couldn't stop wondering what the hell were you saying about me. . . It's like being self concious, who the hell wants to be self concious. . . ?
^this is a mind fuck and a game.
I HATE when people lie ! For fucks sakes if you made a mistake you made a mistake don't be a child about it. All that 'I don't remember' crap is bogus.
But I did wrong too I shouldn't talk to an ex-friend's friends, not that I bad mouthed bc that's gay, but my energy was off. . . and it's like trying to ostracize someone, that's fucked up. I told one of his friend's that she has a "murky aura" in a card, which I meant as conflicted b/c she always had a headache and was angry about some stupid guy, but . . . who the fuck am I? so I'm sorry. Then I wrote her some stupid Jak shit so she would leave me alone something about the government controlling lying on the pigs. Jak-shit is weird when you don't know me so sorry.
And above all I called you evil no one's evil. People are just fucked up, I'm fucked up, too. Let's leave it at that.
I'm not being mean. . . just Jazmine.
Not Jak, Jak's too silly and emotional.
I hate to give and give and give and not receive. I also hate cutting people from my life, I really do, but I know when to hold on and when to let go. . . I hate mind fucks and mirror men and china dolls (say little to them don't give them any air to breath in your life they really steal your souls. . . or at least they make me hollow man, voidless-Jak). I realise now that I maybe detrimental in a person life (we can't all be heros someone has to play the villan), I may be a mind fuck, too, I also maybe vibrations in a person's pond, so I've let go. . .
*You told me birds just flock to you. And I'm the queen of the coop. < which is just freakin' mean.
*You told me that you were tired of dating pushy women. < you wrote and said this quite often and just before I left.
*You also wished pregnancy on me. . . you don't remember this. You also don't remember a painting I gave you and you gave me a BP Oil Spill apology attached to an I don't remember.
*You also said you wanted to be inside my mind, but never even asked me a question. . . I felt like I was always asking the questions. < WTF
^ this made me feel like a psycho for 1 month. . . then it snapped I don't give a fuck. Whatever-the fuck. Like a fuck you type a fuck like that poem I wrote 5 yrs ago when I was a teenager type fuck-you. Then I thought there's no point in hating someone, so you're white space (and I don't even know you, really, to hate you.)
I HATE when people talk about other people behind their backs, seriously, even little things. You should be able to talk to your friends about anything even if it hurts. I said, 'don't make it like Africa,' to you . . . but you talked about your friends, then I met them and all I could think about is what you said about them. . . aauughh I hate that ( you said one of his roommates was not the best of dads he said that his daughter called you dad once or something, so just fucking tell him that sheesh. I also couldn't stop wondering what the hell were you saying about me. . . It's like being self concious, who the hell wants to be self concious. . . ?
^this is a mind fuck and a game.
I HATE when people lie ! For fucks sakes if you made a mistake you made a mistake don't be a child about it. All that 'I don't remember' crap is bogus.
But I did wrong too I shouldn't talk to an ex-friend's friends, not that I bad mouthed bc that's gay, but my energy was off. . . and it's like trying to ostracize someone, that's fucked up. I told one of his friend's that she has a "murky aura" in a card, which I meant as conflicted b/c she always had a headache and was angry about some stupid guy, but . . . who the fuck am I? so I'm sorry. Then I wrote her some stupid Jak shit so she would leave me alone something about the government controlling lying on the pigs. Jak-shit is weird when you don't know me so sorry.
And above all I called you evil no one's evil. People are just fucked up, I'm fucked up, too. Let's leave it at that.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Conversations
Jazmine Mussington November 23 at 3:29pm
How's Slu life going? You still lying to people who just met you and been abroad for one year? You still telling people you're a junior?
haha, well I`m a junior this year though. i took more courses last year spring=) Just kidding... I`m a CA this year so my residents think that i`m a senior though. here is my story, I`ll tell you a long story just with couple of sentences. i got an hair cut. My girlfriend dumped me overfacebook. I changed my car. Now i`m in Providence visiting friends at Brown. i`ll be in NYC wednesday around noon to drop a friend off. etc. etc. My life is allright in generak. How about u?
Jazmine Mussington November 23 at 4:08pm
NAME. . . I understand so you're in Providence the man I really LIKED lives in Providence. His name is > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , so if you meet him kick his ass. He lied to me made me believe I was insane because I gave him a painting and he couldn't admit he lost it; he told me I never gave him a painting and he doesn't remember and I cried in front of him about the painting and he gave me the weakest it isn't my fault sort of sorry. . . Just before I left I said, 'You're evil and rot in hell,' so. . . I was heart broken for the first TWO MONTHS while being in South Korea (I felt alone), I was so heartbroken I drunk myself into sleeps and messed with people I don't even like. . . Now just now I am just okay. And life's getting better and I made good friends.
Don't worry. You're an attractive person and you have this cool air around you, so you'll find another love. As for me, I'm cute, but fat, so it's harder for a girl like me. . . maybe I should just get skinny, but I am managing LMAO, just kidding. I'm surprised you got a hair cut. And is your car cooler? You'll recover soon. Keep hanging out with friends, listen to some great music, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, and something ANGRY, date around, and just hang with yourself. You're better off if she couldn't even tell you face to face. . .
Anyway, when I'm back in the States I hope I can see you graduate, since I plan on visiting SLU !
Don't worry. You're an attractive person and you have this cool air around you, so you'll find another love. As for me, I'm cute, but fat, so it's harder for a girl like me. . . maybe I should just get skinny, but I am managing LMAO, just kidding. I'm surprised you got a hair cut. And is your car cooler? You'll recover soon. Keep hanging out with friends, listen to some great music, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, and something ANGRY, date around, and just hang with yourself. You're better off if she couldn't even tell you face to face. . .
Anyway, when I'm back in the States I hope I can see you graduate, since I plan on visiting SLU !
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Heart Breaker Advice !
What do i do if there are girls posting flirtation love wall posts on my boyfriend's page and he is flirting back? but he doesnt consider it flirting!!
Mirror what he's doing. Find an absolutely beautiful man (men), it doesn't matter if he knows him or not. . . and have this absolutely gorgeous man flirt on your wall. If he confronts you, which he should, say the same things he said, "It's not flirting he and I are just being friendly."
This should trigger his jealousy and perhaps cause an argument. . . if he wants to argue it's best you keep your cool, be as nonchalant as possible.
Relationships are games.
I agree with Samantha you should confront him, express how you feel, after gorgeous man one and two flirt on your wall and you get the jealous reaction you are hoping for. Tell him, 'I do consider gorgeous man one and two notes as flirting and it's obvious you do as well, so these girls who are writing on your wall and what you're saying are flirting, too. Why don't you stop?"
If he won't acknowledge his responses and the girls responses as flirting then don't trust him. Don't overreact and let your presence be known don't give a flying fuck about it. . . get with gorgeous man one or two. . . make you and him your profile picture, end the relationship through FB. . . and ignore all calls from this boyfriend of yours because it's obvious he's ignoring how you're feeling and you shouldn't trust a man like that.
If he won't stop blahing up your phone and wall after you changed your profile picture and broke up with him through FB then tell him you moved to South Korea.
Mirror what he's doing. Find an absolutely beautiful man (men), it doesn't matter if he knows him or not. . . and have this absolutely gorgeous man flirt on your wall. If he confronts you, which he should, say the same things he said, "It's not flirting he and I are just being friendly."
This should trigger his jealousy and perhaps cause an argument. . . if he wants to argue it's best you keep your cool, be as nonchalant as possible.
Relationships are games.
I agree with Samantha you should confront him, express how you feel, after gorgeous man one and two flirt on your wall and you get the jealous reaction you are hoping for. Tell him, 'I do consider gorgeous man one and two notes as flirting and it's obvious you do as well, so these girls who are writing on your wall and what you're saying are flirting, too. Why don't you stop?"
If he won't acknowledge his responses and the girls responses as flirting then don't trust him. Don't overreact and let your presence be known don't give a flying fuck about it. . . get with gorgeous man one or two. . . make you and him your profile picture, end the relationship through FB. . . and ignore all calls from this boyfriend of yours because it's obvious he's ignoring how you're feeling and you shouldn't trust a man like that.
If he won't stop blahing up your phone and wall after you changed your profile picture and broke up with him through FB then tell him you moved to South Korea.
Confusion of the Heart Part 1
When I was cynical and skeptical
You called me bitter
Close-minded
Unwilling...
...to compromise
You told me
you were not the same
His was not your name
and you don't play that game
Your rhymes were charming
and disarmed me
I allowed them to melt
the ice fortress around my heart
But you took a match
And set my heart on fire
til there was nothing but ash
You called me bitter
Close-minded
Unwilling...
...to compromise
You told me
you were not the same
His was not your name
and you don't play that game
Your rhymes were charming
and disarmed me
I allowed them to melt
the ice fortress around my heart
But you took a match
And set my heart on fire
til there was nothing but ash
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Heart Acher Advice!
What do I do if there are girls posting flirtatious love wall posts on my boyfriend's page and he is flirting back? But he doesn't consider it flirting!!
The first thing you need to do is talk to him about this. Face-to-face is ideal, but webcam or phone is just as good if face-to-face isn't possible. Without getting worked up or overly emotional about this try to talk to him calmly. Guys shut down at the first sign of female emotion and therefore if you get whiny or emotional he will not listen to you at all. So try and keep a normal tone of voice and a collected demeanor if at all possible.
This is a legitimate concern. Don't let him convince you that it isn't and don't bottle up your feelings. A relationship can only work if both parties are open and honest with each other, but also considerate of each other's feelings. Right now he seems really insensitive to the fact that this bothers you. And honestly, that's a SERIOUS problem.
Another thing you need to think about is your own confidence and security in your relationship. If you are feeling jealous maybe you need to ask yourself if this relationship is good for you. Excessive jealousy or worry implies lack of trust. Maybe this is something you never thought about before because you've never been trusting of your boyfriends. I know that was almost always a problem for me.
In the past I would always get jealous over anything, even though I told myself I wasn't jealous at all. Some people say things like "I don't get jealous cus I don't trust him, I get jealous cus I don't trust those other women!" I used to say this to. But you see, if your boyfriend was really that trustworthy you wouldn't have to worry about those other women either.
I didn't realize this was possible until I was in a relationship where I trusted the person I was with completely to never cheat on me. If someone approached him I wouldn't even flinch because I knew she wasn't a threat to me. I was confident enough in him and our relationship to believe wholeheartedly that he would not betray me.
More importantly, I had become confident enough in myself to know that I deserved to be treated with respect and dignity and I believed that he knew that too. And if it turned out that he DIDN'T know that and he DID betray me, I would be strong enough to stand up for myself and let him know he was wrong.
So I guess, what I want to ask YOU is; do you trust this person? Do you have faith in this relationship? Do you have confidence in him? In yourself? Is he really deserving of you?
If the answer to any of these questions is "no" I think you really need to have a serious talk with him about the future of your relationship. I also think that you need to look inside yourself.
UHHHHHM
An alternative and more specific answer from me would be;
make yourself known on all those flirtatious comments on your boyfriend's page.
Each. And. Every. One.
HAHA.
You could say things like:
"Oh wow. You almost sound like his girlfriend or something. Too bad that spot is already taken by me" (with the optional "bitch" at the end for emphasis)
Or
"Wow that's funny. Aren't there any single guys you can say this to? Or do you make it your mission to be a homewrecking whore?"
Or
"Hi. :)"
You could also write on his comments things like:
"Wow you don't say stuff like that to me."
Or
"If this isn't flirting I want to know where your game was at for real when you were hitting on me."
Or
"I'll remember this wasn't said to me when I see you later."
Make your presence KNOWN. Don't stand for this abuse and don't stay quiet!
Stand up! Stand up for your rights!
Just know this may start some drama, but sometimes drama is needed to make progress so I say go for it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Don't you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Yeah. Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?
And yet there's still something in us that overrides that, isn't there?
No matter what. I always lose. It hurts to be with him just as much as it hurts to be without. But the only reason it hurts to be with him is because he isn't really there. He isn't really mine right now. He is somewhere else. Somewhere lost. And he won't let me help him find his way. So. Being with is just the same as being without him because he's gone. So. Doesn't that mean that being with him instead of being without him is better? I mean. Cus they are the same right now but maybe someday they won't be. Maybe someday he'll find his way and then being without him will still hurt but being with him will be happy.
But what if he is never found?
Or what if he is found but being with him is still not happy? What about all the time wasted standing like a lighthouse in the fog? What if happy is only something I made myself believe. Something that's not true at all.
I want happy.
I want happy but I don't want to work for happy.
It's not cus I'm lazy it's cus I'm tired.
I'm tired for working for happy and it coming to everyone else but me.
They don't work or try. Why? Why do they get happy and not me?
I try too hard.
That's why I'm not trying anymore. I'm not working anymore. Fuck you happy, you come to me. I will not grovel at happy's feet anymore. I'm tired of licking boots. My mouth tastes like shit.
Do you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Disappointment is all I know.
And yet there's still something in us that overrides that, isn't there?
No matter what. I always lose. It hurts to be with him just as much as it hurts to be without. But the only reason it hurts to be with him is because he isn't really there. He isn't really mine right now. He is somewhere else. Somewhere lost. And he won't let me help him find his way. So. Being with is just the same as being without him because he's gone. So. Doesn't that mean that being with him instead of being without him is better? I mean. Cus they are the same right now but maybe someday they won't be. Maybe someday he'll find his way and then being without him will still hurt but being with him will be happy.
But what if he is never found?
Or what if he is found but being with him is still not happy? What about all the time wasted standing like a lighthouse in the fog? What if happy is only something I made myself believe. Something that's not true at all.
I want happy.
I want happy but I don't want to work for happy.
It's not cus I'm lazy it's cus I'm tired.
I'm tired for working for happy and it coming to everyone else but me.
They don't work or try. Why? Why do they get happy and not me?
I try too hard.
That's why I'm not trying anymore. I'm not working anymore. Fuck you happy, you come to me. I will not grovel at happy's feet anymore. I'm tired of licking boots. My mouth tastes like shit.
Do you ever get tired of being disappointed?
Disappointment is all I know.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
BHC's first video assignment
Okay! So you've filled out our awesome survey. Now you want to participate in some other way. It has been brought to my attention that my "Thank You, Person" video done for MLAAHB would be perfect for BHC.
So here's the video.
(OMG if I were a self conscious person I'd probably be mortified by that screencap. Oh well.)
Now what's the assignment?
Well, your mission--if you chose to accept it--is to respond to this video "thanking" someone you have loved for the lessons they've taught you (either by loving you or breaking your heart ): or you know...whatever you can think of)
Or maybe you don't want to thank them! Maybe you're angry and you want to list all the reasons why those ingrates should be thanking you!
I don't know. It's up to you.
Either way! Best of luck and thank you for your participation!
So here's the video.
(OMG if I were a self conscious person I'd probably be mortified by that screencap. Oh well.)
Now what's the assignment?
Well, your mission--if you chose to accept it--is to respond to this video "thanking" someone you have loved for the lessons they've taught you (either by loving you or breaking your heart ): or you know...whatever you can think of)
Or maybe you don't want to thank them! Maybe you're angry and you want to list all the reasons why those ingrates should be thanking you!
I don't know. It's up to you.
Either way! Best of luck and thank you for your participation!
Follow the Stray is growing
Today we'll officially be adding a new stray to Follow the Stray, my friend Jazmine (a.k.a. JaK).
Jazmine and I both came up with the idea for "The Broken Hearts Club" together, so I thought that it would only be appropriate to allow her to post as well (duh! Should've thought of it sooner!)
But, I hope even after we've concluded the BHC project she'll still stick around and contribute. She's got some really great ideas and a really unique style. You probably won't even have to check the names of the poster to see which of us is the one writing :)
Hopefully once she's accepted she'll post a little intro about herself.
Jazmine and I both came up with the idea for "The Broken Hearts Club" together, so I thought that it would only be appropriate to allow her to post as well (duh! Should've thought of it sooner!)
But, I hope even after we've concluded the BHC project she'll still stick around and contribute. She's got some really great ideas and a really unique style. You probably won't even have to check the names of the poster to see which of us is the one writing :)
Hopefully once she's accepted she'll post a little intro about herself.
Friday, November 5, 2010
BHC Member: Phe
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes, but I don't begrudge anyone. I've moved on to a newer, better, love in my life. There's no point in dwelling on, what is essentially, nature.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I think, maybe a few--unintentionally.
Does it hurt?
Right now it hurts because the person I love can't be with me the way that he and I would both like him to. I try not to let this discourage me.
How are you coping?
Sometimes it's hard for me to keep loving when I don't see the love I'm putting out being reciprocated...but I can't stop. I just love more. I put all of my love out, all of my heart. I guess I cope by keeping faith. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I keep my heart open one day I will find someone who understands me and who will return my love. I honestly feel I've found this person now--and even though things are currently difficult--I haven't given up. I can't give up. I guess...it's my faith, and my persistence...and my ambition and hopes and prayers that help me cope. I am so filled with optimism there's no room for negativity.
What have you learned?
I have learned a lot and everyday I learn more. I guess what I have learned is that when you love someone...when you really love someone...you have to give them your all--even when times are hard--you have to put in everything you've got! Even if they don't ask for it...you have to. I just don't feel right not showing my love 100%.
I've also learned that loving someone means that you've found someone who makes you genuinely happy and feel good about loving. When you love someone you feel good about yourself and you want to do your very best at everything in life. I think that's what really loving someone means. You don't WORSHIP that person or feel you can't live without them, but you are extremely grateful to have them in your life because they make the world seem so much brighter. That's what I think real love is.
Someone who makes you sad or feel bad about yourself or makes you feel like they are more important than you are--I don't think that's really love.
Yes, but I don't begrudge anyone. I've moved on to a newer, better, love in my life. There's no point in dwelling on, what is essentially, nature.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I think, maybe a few--unintentionally.
Does it hurt?
Right now it hurts because the person I love can't be with me the way that he and I would both like him to. I try not to let this discourage me.
How are you coping?
Sometimes it's hard for me to keep loving when I don't see the love I'm putting out being reciprocated...but I can't stop. I just love more. I put all of my love out, all of my heart. I guess I cope by keeping faith. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I keep my heart open one day I will find someone who understands me and who will return my love. I honestly feel I've found this person now--and even though things are currently difficult--I haven't given up. I can't give up. I guess...it's my faith, and my persistence...and my ambition and hopes and prayers that help me cope. I am so filled with optimism there's no room for negativity.
What have you learned?
I have learned a lot and everyday I learn more. I guess what I have learned is that when you love someone...when you really love someone...you have to give them your all--even when times are hard--you have to put in everything you've got! Even if they don't ask for it...you have to. I just don't feel right not showing my love 100%.
I've also learned that loving someone means that you've found someone who makes you genuinely happy and feel good about loving. When you love someone you feel good about yourself and you want to do your very best at everything in life. I think that's what really loving someone means. You don't WORSHIP that person or feel you can't live without them, but you are extremely grateful to have them in your life because they make the world seem so much brighter. That's what I think real love is.
Someone who makes you sad or feel bad about yourself or makes you feel like they are more important than you are--I don't think that's really love.
BHC Member: Demi
Have you ever had your heart broken?
As if I would ever let anyone in enough to hurt me. Anyone who even gets close to hurting me will pay--severely. Who the fuck do you think I am anyway? I'm no pushover. I'm no little punk. Cross me and prepare to pay up! That's all I have to say.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know, I don't care. People only care about themselves anyway, but what about me? No one ever considers me and my feelings. It's always about them. Always about their wants and their needs--well I have wants and needs too you know! And it isn't always about making you fuckers happy! If I hurt you, too fucking bad, get over it.
Does it hurt?
It hurt when I didn't love myself. When I didn't fight to protect myself. It only hurt when I was worried about everyone else and was waiting for someone to worry about me. It hurt to think that no one would ever care about me. When you put all of your love into the world and you get nothing in return...that shit's enough to make you want to cry
How did you cope?
I decided to do me. Forget everyone else. Forget the whole world. If everyone's going to be involved with themselves and not spare any time for me than FUCKEM. I can take care of myself and I don't need anybody else. That's how I cope. Thinking about ME and only ME--number ONE!
What have you learned?
The only one who's ever gonna love me like I deserve and like I want is me. The only one who's ever gonna treat me right and give me the respect I deserve is me. I don't need to change, I don't need to do do do for others--especially when they're so ungrateful. All I need to do is take care of and stay true to myself.
As if I would ever let anyone in enough to hurt me. Anyone who even gets close to hurting me will pay--severely. Who the fuck do you think I am anyway? I'm no pushover. I'm no little punk. Cross me and prepare to pay up! That's all I have to say.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know, I don't care. People only care about themselves anyway, but what about me? No one ever considers me and my feelings. It's always about them. Always about their wants and their needs--well I have wants and needs too you know! And it isn't always about making you fuckers happy! If I hurt you, too fucking bad, get over it.
Does it hurt?
It hurt when I didn't love myself. When I didn't fight to protect myself. It only hurt when I was worried about everyone else and was waiting for someone to worry about me. It hurt to think that no one would ever care about me. When you put all of your love into the world and you get nothing in return...that shit's enough to make you want to cry
How did you cope?
I decided to do me. Forget everyone else. Forget the whole world. If everyone's going to be involved with themselves and not spare any time for me than FUCKEM. I can take care of myself and I don't need anybody else. That's how I cope. Thinking about ME and only ME--number ONE!
What have you learned?
The only one who's ever gonna love me like I deserve and like I want is me. The only one who's ever gonna treat me right and give me the respect I deserve is me. I don't need to change, I don't need to do do do for others--especially when they're so ungrateful. All I need to do is take care of and stay true to myself.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
BHC Member: JaK
Have you ever had your heart broken?
If it is truly meant to be then it will be. This is complicated, but I'm not entirely sure if my heart was broken. . . instead I believe my feelings were crushed. I think heart break is something that you can not overcome entirely. Everyday I forget about the person. . . I don't hate him because it is a waste of my time; instead I am forgetting him. The process is slow because of Facebook, but it's happening.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No, I've never broken a heart before at least they've never said that I did.
Does it hurt?
It hurts. I feel like I'll never meet anyone as creative, but I don't think he was creative at all instead he hyper-focused on my creativity and latched
How did you cope?
I wrote about it then I talked about it a lot ! I told my friends the real deal. I cried, once, twice. Then I tried to understand how and why it fell a part, I am not weak.
What have you learned?
That I should be with people who make me feel good.
If it is truly meant to be then it will be. This is complicated, but I'm not entirely sure if my heart was broken. . . instead I believe my feelings were crushed. I think heart break is something that you can not overcome entirely. Everyday I forget about the person. . . I don't hate him because it is a waste of my time; instead I am forgetting him. The process is slow because of Facebook, but it's happening.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No, I've never broken a heart before at least they've never said that I did.
Does it hurt?
It hurts. I feel like I'll never meet anyone as creative, but I don't think he was creative at all instead he hyper-focused on my creativity and latched
How did you cope?
I wrote about it then I talked about it a lot ! I told my friends the real deal. I cried, once, twice. Then I tried to understand how and why it fell a part, I am not weak.
What have you learned?
That I should be with people who make me feel good.
BHC kinda makes ya think of...
No I'm not ignoring or oblivious to the fact the BHC kinda looks like/sounds like/resembles the word "bitch." I just haven't decided how I'm going to address that...personally I like it and in some random way feel it's semi-appropriate.
BHC Member: Sam
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes. I used to think maybe a few times, but there's only one that really registers anymore. I fell in love with this person after I had already decided that I was going to do my best to just be alone--it was after a really horrible relationship. This person was so nice to me at first, nicer to me than anyone before him had ever been. I have said "I love you" to people before but I think maybe with this person it was the first time I ever really meant it. I don't want to get into the details of HOW he broke my heart, but it really damaged me.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Well I don't know any for sure, except one. My first boyfriend; he was my first EVERYTHING--including the first (AND LAST) person I ever cheated on. I felt horrible for what I did. I still feel horrible to this day. He was willing to forgive me and look past it, but I couldn't forgive myself for hurting him that way. I swore never to do that again and I haven't since.
Does it hurt?
Both still hurt.
When I think about the person who broke my heart I get SO ANGRY. I can't even remember why he made me happy or what it was about him that I loved (and honestly, still love) so much. I get frustrated because I don't understand the attraction anymore and yet I can't erase him from my memory. It's awful. I just want him to go away. What's worse is when I think about him I bet that he never once thinks about me anymore. And that just upsets me more.
I've found someone else since him. Someone I really love and who loves me back equally. I am truly happy with him. So why do I allow myself to get worked up over senseless past drama? I just don't understand. He just shouldn't be that important to me. I didn't even know him for that long.
Actually, I don't really know if it HURTS...but it IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
As for the person whose heart I broke. It only hurts when I think about it. I've mostly forgiven myself, but there are times when I think about it and I'm just disgusted. I KNOW I'll never do it again.
How do you cope?
MY FRIENDS! OMG! I couldn't survive without them. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill friends either--I'm talking about the REAL DEAL here. People I can be open and honest with, people I know won't judge me NO MATTER WHAT, people who will tell me the truth when I'm in the wrong. Those kind of friends; the kind that some people may never have in their entire life--and I have a whole handful of them! I am SO BLESSED to have them. They don't know it and won't believe it, but I'm alive today because of their presence in my life.
Another way I cope is through prayer and reminding myself that "this too shall pass." Whatever pain I'm going through, whether it's heartbreak or something else, I just remind myself over and over "this will pass, this will pass" and before I know it the storm is over.
What have you learned?
Everything in life is temporary, that is why everything should be treated like the precious treasure that it is. People are born and then they die, friendships and relationships go through the same motions. Everything has a beginning and an end, everything must come full circle--that's just the way life works, nothing lasts forever. It's a little sad to think that way in the midst of a blossoming romance, but it's nice to remember when that love has ended.
Yes. I used to think maybe a few times, but there's only one that really registers anymore. I fell in love with this person after I had already decided that I was going to do my best to just be alone--it was after a really horrible relationship. This person was so nice to me at first, nicer to me than anyone before him had ever been. I have said "I love you" to people before but I think maybe with this person it was the first time I ever really meant it. I don't want to get into the details of HOW he broke my heart, but it really damaged me.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Well I don't know any for sure, except one. My first boyfriend; he was my first EVERYTHING--including the first (AND LAST) person I ever cheated on. I felt horrible for what I did. I still feel horrible to this day. He was willing to forgive me and look past it, but I couldn't forgive myself for hurting him that way. I swore never to do that again and I haven't since.
Does it hurt?
Both still hurt.
When I think about the person who broke my heart I get SO ANGRY. I can't even remember why he made me happy or what it was about him that I loved (and honestly, still love) so much. I get frustrated because I don't understand the attraction anymore and yet I can't erase him from my memory. It's awful. I just want him to go away. What's worse is when I think about him I bet that he never once thinks about me anymore. And that just upsets me more.
I've found someone else since him. Someone I really love and who loves me back equally. I am truly happy with him. So why do I allow myself to get worked up over senseless past drama? I just don't understand. He just shouldn't be that important to me. I didn't even know him for that long.
Actually, I don't really know if it HURTS...but it IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
As for the person whose heart I broke. It only hurts when I think about it. I've mostly forgiven myself, but there are times when I think about it and I'm just disgusted. I KNOW I'll never do it again.
How do you cope?
MY FRIENDS! OMG! I couldn't survive without them. I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill friends either--I'm talking about the REAL DEAL here. People I can be open and honest with, people I know won't judge me NO MATTER WHAT, people who will tell me the truth when I'm in the wrong. Those kind of friends; the kind that some people may never have in their entire life--and I have a whole handful of them! I am SO BLESSED to have them. They don't know it and won't believe it, but I'm alive today because of their presence in my life.
Another way I cope is through prayer and reminding myself that "this too shall pass." Whatever pain I'm going through, whether it's heartbreak or something else, I just remind myself over and over "this will pass, this will pass" and before I know it the storm is over.
What have you learned?
Everything in life is temporary, that is why everything should be treated like the precious treasure that it is. People are born and then they die, friendships and relationships go through the same motions. Everything has a beginning and an end, everything must come full circle--that's just the way life works, nothing lasts forever. It's a little sad to think that way in the midst of a blossoming romance, but it's nice to remember when that love has ended.
BHC has a page
Added a page for The Broken Hearts Club to keep the project more organized. Go check it out, it isn't much right now.
I should be sleeping right now but...I can't so I might just share my own BH story right now. We'll see. I was gonna do it through video but...I find that I'm a lot more open when I write so I think I'll start there and make a video later.
I should be sleeping right now but...I can't so I might just share my own BH story right now. We'll see. I was gonna do it through video but...I find that I'm a lot more open when I write so I think I'll start there and make a video later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)