Don't you ever get tired of being disappointed?

Yeah. Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?

And yet there's still something in us that overrides that, isn't there?

No matter what. I always lose. It hurts to be with him just as much as it hurts to be without. But the only reason it hurts to be with him is because he isn't really there. He isn't really mine right now. He is somewhere else. Somewhere lost. And he won't let me help him find his way. So. Being with is just the same as being without him because he's gone. So. Doesn't that mean that being with him instead of being without him is better? I mean. Cus they are the same right now but maybe someday they won't be. Maybe someday he'll find his way and then being without him will still hurt but being with him will be happy.

But what if he is never found?

Or what if he is found but being with him is still not happy? What about all the time wasted standing like a lighthouse in the fog? What if happy is only something I made myself believe. Something that's not true at all.

I want happy.

I want happy but I don't want to work for happy.

It's not cus I'm lazy it's cus I'm tired.

I'm tired for working for happy and it coming to everyone else but me.

They don't work or try. Why? Why do they get happy and not me?

I try too hard.

That's why I'm not trying anymore. I'm not working anymore. Fuck you happy, you come to me. I will not grovel at happy's feet anymore. I'm tired of licking boots. My mouth tastes like shit.


Do you ever get tired of being disappointed?

Disappointment is all I know.