I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is easy to move on and forget some people and why it's difficult for others. It's mostly Jazmine's fault.
Those thoughts mixed with my wonderful hormonally charged mood swings have brought a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations to mind. Most of which I'm ashamed or embarrassed to talk about because...I mean, come on. There really is no reason for me to be worrying about things in the past when I'm living in my "happily ever after" is there? But still I bet even Cinderella wonders about her wicked step family from time to time when staring out at the vast kingdom below from her castle.
I also don't like to admit that I have weaknesses. That I am...flawed. That I could possibly let someone unnerve me, weaken me, get under my skin.
And honestly this hasn't happened very much. I actually don't have a lot of experience "in the field." I was never one for one night stands or hooking up. Attempted once or twice but quit before the end because I found it utterly thrill-less. I like consistency, I guess. I like to know who I'm with, what they like, what they don't like, what they think of me, and I like it when they know all those things about me too. In short, I just don't understand sex with strangers.
But anyone that's irrelevant, except for establishing that I'm strictly a relationship person.
And....I've only had 4...well...5...like 4 1/2. I don't necessarily mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships...there's just been only 5 main players in my love game. Anyone else was just an extra and rather unimportant :'(.
The first was my first love. The first guy to break through my man-hating tomboy exterior. He was sweet but I sometimes resent him because I feel like he weakened my defenses. I was stone before. Disinterested in anyone who tried to advance (hey that's what happens when you start developing in the third grade, creeps and perverts hit on you and you end up hating everyone). This relationship was difficult at first to get over because of my guilt. I was the no good dirty heart breaker in this situation and felt really bad for it. Now it's no big deal. It's been six years. I've been done dirty worse than I ever did him. Once and awhile I'll feel a little twinge of guilt, but mostly I'm over it.
The second....well. I don't wish to spend more than a few sentences on the second. Let's just put it this way. I found out not too long ago that he got hit by a car (not fatally, just hit) and I laughed. The thought still makes me smile. This may make me seem really evil, but why don't you take a moment and ask yourself what a person would have to do to you for you to be entertained by the thought of them getting run over. I'm certain ANYTHING you come up with is something number two did to me. I guess it's plain to see that forgetting about him was no issue at all.
Three...well...let's come back to three.
Four or the half as I call him only just barely made it into this list. This was only because if it hadn't been for five my "relationship" with four would have probably would have lasted a bit longer than it did. Four and five came into my life around the same time. Four was young and liked to play those stupid kid games. Five was older and hated games as much as I did. So I booted out four quick.
Five is my fiance. Not always so charming, but always my prince :)
So now for the point of all this. Out of everyone there is only one who makes it difficult to move on. Number three.
Three wasn't especially good looking or intelligent or well anything really special at all to be honest. He didn't do much for me, literally. I was usually the one helping him out, taking care of him, thinking about him. So...I couldn't understand why he was so hard to forget. What made him so special?
At first I thought that it was because he was my first REAL love. That I never really loved anyone before him. But when I compare my feelings of "love" for him to my fiance now, I don't think that could be it. It doesn't feel the same. My "love" for him cannot compare to my feelings of love for my fiance. In fact, this has made me believe that whenever ANYONE has relationship issues they cannot explain they will always blame it on love. Poor love gets such a bad rep when obsession, or jealousy, or insecurity, or any number of other things are really the ones to blame. No. I can't speak for everyone who has trouble moving on, but I can speak for myself. Love is not the reason why and I would encourage anyone who believes it's their reason to dig a bit deeper. Love should never ever be painful.
My second thought was jealousy. He had, afterall, played me--a sexy sophisticated senior--for a less attractive freshman version of myself...who at first had been "my friend." Despicable and positively insulting. It was hard for me to admit to my jealousy so I just tried to ignore it. I tried not to bring it up (I failed). I tried not to think about it (I epically failed). He traded me in, this had to be the reason. It was a very convincing argument. But no, the jealousy was definitely there--but it couldn't explain everything. Jealousy, I realized, was a side effect--not the cause.
I came up with at least a million other reasons why he is the only one I couldn't forget, but all of them just didn't seem good enough.
Then finally the true answer came to me. It was during a particularly bad mood swing caused by really nothing in particular. I felt useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, a complete and total waste of space. The only thing validating me was the little life growing inside me. Otherwise I felt my existence was completely unimportant. What good was I? I was nothing. For whatever reason three came to mind and that's when I realized how he had hurt me so bad.
He had become a physical manifestation of my worst insecurities.
In the beginning he had been so nice to me. He had made me feel extremely special and important. I felt like I was the sun, air, and stars to him--he was so invested in me. After having to deal with two this was quite a change. I felt so GOOD about myself. I felt pretty and smart and unique and adored. Things I hadn't felt for a very long time.
Then gradually he pulled back. He slowly lost interest. He wasn't the first to initiate conversation. I wasn't that compelling anymore. I wasn't someone he was excited to see. I was a burden, a chore to be around. I had gone from his superhero to just another face in the crowd.
The change for me had been so abrupt that I didn't know how to handle it. I...I'm so ashamed with my behavior. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. Said a lot of things that were mean and uncalled for. I was angry, bitter, injured.
He went on unscathed. Unfazed by my pain. I was too much to deal with so he found a little copy of me who was less drama, less mouthy, less crazy.
And all my worst fears, all my darkest thoughts, all the irritating voices I tried to ignore laughed at me.
I really was worthless. I really was replaceable. I really was...nothing. It was so easy for him to move on and forget me and it killed me because I couldn't. He had made me believe I was important and he had teared it all away. Smashed it to pieces on the ground and just walked away.
The eyes that had once looked at me with such desire and admiration now stared right through me.
I was invisible. Erased. Invalid.
That's why I couldn't let go. That's why I couldn't forget. I NEEDED him to see me again. I NEEDED him to say he was wrong. I didn't need him back. I didn't want him back. I just needed him to tell me I was somebody, that I meant something.
The only reason I couldn't let go was because of that, because I needed him to apologize and tell me that I deserved to live in this world. That my life has purpose and meaning and that he was sorry he ever made me feel otherwise.
I wanted him to look at me with admiration once more just so I could shut him down and tell him, "Yes, I am important! Yes, I am better than you! You dumb fuck!"
These are things I know will never happen. Even if I were to ever see him again--which is highly unlikely considering he's just graduated and doesn't live anywhere near me (thank God)--I know that the words I want to hear the most will never leave his lips. In fact, seeing him would probably just add further insult to injury as I am sure he will continue to look right through me and ignore my existence (further proof that people down south only ACT hard when they're really just a bunch of punkass bitches. I said it, and what?).
No. I'll never get what I think I want, but now that I know the reason behind the pain I think that maybe I can, at last, let go--or at least do a better job of trying.
In my darkest hours I just want to disappear, I wish I was a robot or a doll someone could just turn off and leave off until I am useful. But thinking about three made me realize all these insecurities, all these bad thoughts, all these chattering voices in my head--they mustn't REALLY be what I feel about myself. If my only desire to see him again is to make him admit to me that I AM important doesn't that mean that somewhere...even if it's deep deep inside of...somewhere in me I believe--no--I KNOW I am important and I know that he was wrong and I know all those insecurities are wrong? I mean, if I truly believed that I was nothing then wouldn't I be more accepting of him believing I was nothing too?
Maybe my trouble with forgetting him isn't about him at all, but my subconscious using him as a representation of my insecurities. Maybe what my subconscious is telling me that even though I'm happy now these dark things are still present within me and I must find a way to eradicate them.
Seems possible.
But eliminating insecurities is way harder than punishing boys who have hurt your feelings.
