Soulmates(?) and reality...

I've wanted to write about this but it just sounds soooo corny...I mean. I really can't even put into words how I really feel about this person and how I believe he feels about me.

We aren't together in the traditional sense and I've said some things out of anger about our "relationship" that I regret (debating on taking down the posts...blah)...

The truth is that this person really makes me happy when we are together and it is the purest, cleanest, most genuine happy I have ever shared with a partner.

In the past I felt I was in love when I obsessed over someone and longed for them so bad I felt sick about it. I did anything for these people, for their approval, for their affection...it was...really just very pitiful. I can't believe I was that person not too long ago.

The love I feel now isn't like that at all. That's what makes me feel like this MUST be the real deal.

The old love made me feel horrible about myself unless I was with whoever it was I was with...essentially...putting myself beneath them.

This love elevates me, not above him, but on an equal plane.

In this love I can feel myself getting better, getting stronger, not because of him no...the power doesn't come form him it comes from...I don't know...it comes from us. The power is mine but I would've never found it if he hadn't pointed it out, does that make sense? He saw something special in me I didn't know was there and showed me and...now I love him AND myself.

Maybe that's what the difference is. I love MYSELF.

I don't think I could say that in any other relationship...but I really really really do love myself now :)

Which is why now when I'm upset I'm quick to beat him up for upsetting me D:<

But however harsh my words may be...I never mean them...at least, not for too long.

In this kind of love forgiveness comes as easy and natural as breathing. I think it's because faith is in my blood. I believe in him. I don't get jealous. I don't distrust him. When he tells me something I know in my heart it's true.

He cannot lie to me because I feel his words. He does not need to speak for me to understand. When he is sad I know because I feel his sadness. When he is happy my smile becomes wider. When he is angry I get anxious be I feel his harsh cold energy zap the air out of the room. He can mask himself from all but me and he knows it which is why he never even tries to hide what it feels from me.

He doesn't need to speak for me to understand. We've had whole conversations with only our eyes. Conversations that words could never do justice to because if eyes are the windows to the soul then when our eyes meet our souls dance together with sensational passion.

I don't want to say soulmates. Because that just sounds stupid. And I feel like...the misuse of that term just cheapens our connection. So like the label for our relationship now I choose to call our relationship nothing. It just is. And I think it's beautiful and the greatest power I've ever held.

It is that power that has caused us trouble...and for those who know us and have wondered about our "divide" your nosyness is about to be rewarded lol.

T...erm...the tiger loves me. He really does. He doesn't have to say it for me to know it's true. Like I said I feel it in his energy. In his look...in his touch...in the way he moves...dripping from every word he speaks to me--even those spoken out of frustration I hear and I feel and I see his love, his respect, his reverence. Texts messages and e-mails turn feelings mute and cold. It's hard to tell sometimes what people really mean in them--even with our connection this remains true for us as well. But when I'm with him in person, I know. I feel it so deeply that any shadow of a doubt that may have snuck its way in the corners of my mind is immediately snuffed out. Call me young, naive, a romantic, whatever, I don't care--but until you've felt what I feel you could never understand.

Anyway, the point is, the tiger loves me and there is no way anyone can make me think or believe otherwise.

I love him just as truly.

That wasn't the problem with our relationship. If we had nothing but the two of us we would have been just fine.

The problem was...reality...and how much it sucks to live in it (then people wonder why I like to stow away in my head).

Reality hit the tiger hard. More than he could handle at one time. I won't get into the details of it since that is his life and not my story to tell.

But, opinionated and stubborn as we were, we both devised very smart but very different ways of tackling the reality problem.

In his opinion he needed to isolate himself. He needed to cut off everything excessive and focus on getting everything back on track. Commendable and smart, certainly. But one of his biggest problems was that he wasn't handling our relationship the way he would like to. He felt he was bringing me down. He felt like he wasn't giving me what I needed. He wasn't giving enough to our relationships. He wasn't helping it thrive. He was afraid if he held on to it, it would die.

He didn't want to kill us...so he let me go in hopes that...someway or another, it would save us.

He was right to feel this way. Being with him since he had been...attacked by reality...has been difficult and often very lonely. Not at all what I was used to with him.

I'm not saying that he's wrong at all for ending it, but...that's just...that's just not what I believe in.

I love him. I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. He makes me happy and I will do anything to give that back to him.

Love to me...true love, it's not about what you can out of it...it's not even about what you can give--it's about what you can SHARE together to lift each other up.

When I was sad and scared, when I was hurt, and he was okay he lifted me up. He didn't turn his back on me. I showed him my emotional scars, my dark side, and he stayed with me. He refused to leave my side. He promised to never abandon me no matter what hardships came my way.

So how could I ever do that to him?!

How could I turn my back on the one man that always had mine?!

How could he ask me to leave him behind when he would never do that to me.

I can't. I can't do that.

I used to find marriage as silly and cliche as talk of soulmates and true love, but not anymore not with the values that marriage is supposed to stand for.

For better or for worse, through sickness and in health--I believe in that to my core.

When you love someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your partner, whoever...whoever it is. When you really love them with all your heart you don't leave them. You don't ever leave them, no matter what.

When someone you love is hurting...is struggling...that is when you need to be the most selfless...that is when you need to put "you" aside and focus on them because that's when they need your love the most. I'm not a fair weather lover. I cannot just walk away when I know someone I love needs support.

All I have to offer him is my love...and I wish...I wish that was enough to make things better, but it isn't. I hope at least that it gives him strength to get through this. I believe it does because...love, you know, love is a pretty damn powerful thing. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize that it's not enough...but I can't lose faith in its power.

"If you love something let it go, and if it doesn't return it was never really yours."

That's what he's living by.

"For better, for worse. Through sickness and in health. As long as you both shall live."

That's what I'm living by.

So who's wrong?

No one. Reality...is not so black and white...is not...so easy to understand.

It's hard. But I keep fighting. He stays resolute in his decision to separate, but I still keep fighting...not to change his mind but to change his life, to do all I can to help things become right again--even if that means standing down and fading into the background.

There is a strong voice inside me that helps me keep faith. That tells me that I need to stay strong for him and even though it's hard sometimes...I do. Because I believe in us. I believe that what we have is worth fighting for, is worth saving, is something most people only ever dream of having, and I'm not letting go! I'm never letting go. Not until he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and his eyes say its true. After all I've been through, after what I've seen, I know that this is something special.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Witnessing him go through this has made me want to work harder at my own life so if and when he does finally make it through we won't have to go through it all again.

I feel stupid to say that I'm waiting for him but...the truth is I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I'd rather be alone than with another and you know what, that's probably good for me right now anyway. Get my head straight. I'm not waiting, but I'm not going off with the purpose of finding another either. I'm just here. Just me. Doing what feels right to me. What my heart and my soul and, hell, even my min are saying I should do.

And if he never makes it through well...

I will treasure what we shared forever and never regret it. I don't know if I'll ever feel it again with another...I don't know if that's possible, but I understand I'm still very young. Who knows what is out there? I don't...if he never makes it through and we're never "officially together" again I hope that I can at least have him in my life. That's all I want and all I need to be happy. His presence.