But...we've been together so long! and I still love him!

Alright, this is an issue that seems to come up a lot...and frankly I'm tired of being nice about it, because the answer (albeit hard to do for most) is quite simple.

The issue is this.  Someone (male or female, gay or straight, it doesn't matter--I've heard it from everyone) is in a relationship (or friendship) with another person s/he no longer likes or loves anymore.  Or.  S/he is in a relationship/friendship that has lasted so long that the two have changed over time in ways that are no longer compatible.  And now S/he is unhappy because s/he no longer feels what s/he felt before or s/he is still in love but this other person doesn't want what s/he wants out of the relationship.

So now s/he doesn't know what to do.  I've talked to people who have been in relationships like this for years, months, or even just a few weeks and the end results always seem to be the same.  Either they feel pressured to stay with this person out of obligation or they desperately try to cling to this person in hopes that one day ONE DAY they'll get exactly what they want.

Both outcomes are downright miserable and so so sad.

I'm not saying that these people who are dealing with it are miserable and sad--I'm just saying the situation is a really crappy one to be in.  And if you're in it--hey!  Don't feel bad, okay?  I feel like everyone who has dipped their feet in the dating pool has had to deal with this at LEAST once.

SO.  Let's break it down.  Since there are two distinct instances I'll break it up into two parts.  But...we've been together so long! and I still love him (or her)!


But...we've been together so long!

This applies to a bunch of different relationships.  High School sweethearts that are now in college--or have even graduated college and are looking to start their lives in the "real world." Best friends who have grown up together.  Or even just a couple (or friends) that have dated/hung out for a few years.  I'm sure there are other scenarios you can apply it to, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Just to be clear, the situation is this; in the beginning these two were completely compatible, possibly even inseparable--but now--due to some sort of change, one (or maybe even both) people no longer feel happy or satisfied with the relationship.  But they stay together anyway, because that's just how it's always been.  It feels like, them together is how it should always be--even if they are unhappy.

Why is it so hard to end this type of relationship?

This type of relationship is hard to end for a few different reasons.

The first reason is that the relationship has lasted so long that the person who is unhappy might not even realize s/he has the OPTION of calling it quits.  S/he has been with this other person for so long it's all they know.  Even though S/he is unhappy s/he doesn't know how s/he would properly function without it.  S/he doesn't know that it's possible TO function without it. 

Second reason is fear.  Perhaps s/he does know that s/he can end it.  It is an option for him/her.  What holds him/her back is the fear of the unknown.  His/her life will have to change dramatically if s/he removes this other person from his/her life.  Change is something s/he is more afraid to deal with than being in an unhappy relationship.

Another example of fear is not just fear that life will change, but fear that s/he will lose his/her identity.  This relationship has become so ingrained in this person's life it has defined who they are.  Without it, who are they?  Who were they?  Who will they become?

The third reason is--the time!  So much TIME invested in this relationship!  To end it all feels like all that time, effort, and energy was a total waste! 

So what do you do if this is you?

I can't tell you what to do.  I won't tell you what to do.  Because if I tell you what to do and you end up listening and hating everything that happens as a result I don't want you to blame me.  I can only tell you what I think from what I've observed and what I've been through on my own.  So...here is my opinion on what you COULD do based on which issue is holding you back.

Change is possible.  If what's holding you back is this first issue well...then you probably aren't even looking for advice because you don't even realize you have a serious problem on your hands.  There's a couple of different levels to this type of relationship, but it can be really serious.  If you are in a bad relationship and someone is hurting you and you feel like this is just how it is--you need help--and fast, before things get out of hand. 

If this isn't you, but someone you know, you need to get them help--from a professional.  This is something that you can't handle on your own.  When a person has lost all hope it is very difficult to reach them and at times you WILL get frustrated because it will seem like you are doing everything you can to help them and they just aren't responding.  Get help from a professional.  Contact your local mental health and hygiene department.  Let them know what's going on.  Speak to a counselor or a therapist or a teacher or someone you look up to and respect.  Don't try to help this person on your own. 

But perhaps your situation isn't as serious as all that.  For you, the answer is going to be difficult to carry out, but is actually a simple solution. 

First, stop being so blind.  You are unhappy, stop ignoring your unhappiness!  Acknowledge it and stop brushing it away!   There is a REASON you are feeling this way!  Don't act like it's all in your head!  Even if it IS in your head and the person isn't really doing anything wrong, you still feel bad and it's important to respect that.  Maybe they are really nice people and there's no justification for you not wanting to be with them--but that doesn't matter.  This is your life.  Don't live your life unhappily just because you don't want to hurt somebody.

Second, be courageous.  You don't need this relationship to function.  If you feel this way I would suggest really starting to spend time with just yourself and getting to know yourself.  Show yourself how strong you can be on your own.  It may surprise you what you're capable of. 

Third, you might be bored.  Maybe there's nothing wrong with this relationship at all.  Maybe you do want to be with this person and you do love them.  Maybe, the reason you are so unsatisfied is because you are BORED.  If that's the case--hey!!  That's actually pretty awesome.  Take the second bit of advice I just gave and start going out on your own more.  Spice up your life; do new things and meet new people.  You may find that the person you were with is still your one and only--but you just needed some space.  Go you, now you know you DO want to be with this person, you just needed to branch out more.  Or you'll meet someone new and see what was holding you back was not trying.  I would say though that is this is the case, DON'T CHEAT!  That is such a horrible thing to do.  Grow a pair and have a real break up.  Only cowards cheat.  And if it "just happens" then you still need to be honest and talk it out.  If you try to hide dirty laundry eventually someone will smell it and find it. 

Second issue, fear.  All of the advice I just gave could apply to you too.  On top of that I'd like to add, change is not a bad thing.  To grow as a person you must be willing to change.  Yes, you are going to have to adjust your life if this relationship ends--but you shouldn't see that as a bad thing.  It will be difficult, especially if you have all the same friends and still go to all the same places.  There will be a period of adjustment that is just going to SUCK and you're going to want to just go back to the way things were.  But if you can get through it you'll be rewarded in the end by finding yourself and who you are.  There's a good chance that you'll love your new life way more than you ever did the one you have now grown accustomed to. 

I'd also like to say that ending a relationship doesn't mean that you aren't you anymore.  I feel like people really do themselves a disservice when they define themselves on such specific terms.  Then again all around us in our media we are surrounded by simple one-dimensional characters and archetypes of how things and people should be.  The truth is you are not so simple.  Within your body are many different "yous," you just don't realize.  There is a "you" when you're with your family, there is a "you" when you're with your friends, there is a different "you" at work, at home, and hanging out.  Calling off a relationship only really alters or gets rid of only one "you," all the rest need not be affected by the change.  You should not feel so sad.  This is an opportunity.  By making the change you are allowing yourself to create a brand new "you" and, if you are thinking of it consciously, you can control what that "you" will be like.  I'm not saying go off and start to pretend to be someone you're not, like in those lame teeny bopper movies.  I mean, go off and try things you've always wanted to try, but didn't because it wasn't "who you are."  Go off and try things that you never thought you would try.  Make a list of all the attributes you "wish you had" and try to embody them.  For example, if you are a shy person who always wanted to be more outgoing, go out, talk to make yourself talk to new people.  Be responsible, but be creative too.  Creating a new "you" can be a lot of fun! 

And remember, don't let people who say "but that isn't who you are," hold you back from creating your new "you."  Don't let others define your person.  Also, don't make changes out of spite or to make others happy.  The changes you make should be personal choices just for you and only you.   

As for the third issue, time, well.  Come on.  Give me a break.  YEAH.  You wasted a lot of fucking time.  So how does it make sense to waste EVEN MORE to justify wasting the time in the first place?  Just cut your losses and keep it moving!  That's all I have to say about that.


I still love him!
(or her)

Under this category we still have the same lot from before with the addition of crushes, blossoming romances, one night stands, and here and there flings.  Or whatever.  It could actually apply to any relationship really.  The issue here is that something in the relationship has changed drastically.  Or perhaps this is the point of view of the other person from the last scenario.  The POV of the person someone has fallen out of love with.  To put this problem bluntly something has occurred that has made these two people incompatible and yet, for whatever reason, one (or both) individual(s) feels the need to drag the relationship out.

Before I continue, I'm just going to point out.  I'VE BEEN THERE.  And it sucks rotten Easter eggs from last year.  That being said, I'm going to seem really mean in this section--but only because the people in it need the harsh truth of the matter D:<.  If I coddle you, absolutely nothing will get accomplished.

So why do people stay in these relationships?

There are two main reasons why people stay in these relationships (in my opinion, of course).  The first reason is a conscious reason--one the person uses as justification for their insane actions.  The second reason is subconscious--the true problem that the person dealing with the issue doesn't even realize is there.

The conscious reason.  S/he feels they are in love, they have never felt this way before in their life, no one has treated them so well, etc. etc. etc.  S/he believes that the person they are enamored with is meant to be with them (if only this, this, this, and this were different) and are depressed when not with this other person.  They take this to mean that only this one person in the world can bring them true happiness.  WHY OH WHY CAN'T THIS PERSON SEE HOW MUCH S/HE LOVES THEM SO VERY VERY MUCH???

The subconscious reason.  This is going to hurt.  S/he hates themselves.  Or maybe they don't HATE themselves, but they certainly don't like themselves very much.  Or there is something in their life that they aren't too fond of but have no control over.  One way or another there is something, other than this relationship, that is stressing them out and making them very unhappy.  This relationship (and ALSO the drama tied to the relationship) is an escape for him/her from his/her real issues.  The happiness this other person brought him/her was like a drug, relief from the pain of life.  Now s/he have become addicts, desperately wanting more and more anyway they can get it.

What do you do if this is you?

Stop.

You need to fucking stop.

It's going to be hard as hell but you need to cut this person out of your life.  Even if they haven't really hurt you, even if they are actually nice people, you need to cut this person out of your life.  If you don't you are going to start to resent them.  You are never going to have them the way you want them and this is going to make you bitter.  Even if you DO get them, they will never be as amazing as you've made them out to be in your head--it's impossible.  The relationship is tainted.  It sucks.  It really really sucks.  And I'm sorry that it sucks so much and this is all the advice I could give you--but the absolute best thing you could is to just treasure the good memories you had together and cut them out completely. 

This may be too difficult for you to do on your own so get your friends in on it--but only really close friends who won't hate you if you curse at them and won't hesitate to curse you out if you're being stupid.  Tell them you need to get rid of this person.  Hang out and let yourself be distracted.  Try and have fun.  Develop new routines. 

That's the first part.  The second part is to look inside yourself and find the real problem.  What is REALLY making you unhappy?  Do you dislike yourself?  If so, what is it about yourself that is making you so unhappy?  Is there something going on in your life you're having a hard time coping with?  Are you facing something stressful and difficult that you'd rather not deal with?  Now is the time to be honest.  Be brutally honest with yourself and try to tackle these issues head on instead of using relationship drama to escape it.  If you feel that what you're dealing with is too big to handle by yourself then talk it out with people.  I promise they'll be way more interested in helping you with this, than helping you win the heart of your former lover.  If your friends can't help you and there's no one in your family you can talk to seek out the help of counselors, mentors, teachers, hell--even online forums.  Do NOT ignore the issue.  If you can get through working it out you will be rewarded with much healthier happier relationships in your future.  When you have a healthy respect for yourself and are happy with your life, the standards you have for who you let into your life will be much higher and well defined. 

Finding someone who is compatible with you is a lot easier when you actually know who you are.

Yes.  Maybe one day you and this other person can be friends (especially if you cut things off before they go sour), but I wouldn't let that be a priority.  If you become friends in the future, let it be because something brought you two back together again.  Don't PLAN to be friends.  It'll only confuse and complicated things and delay your progress.

I did all of this and as a result I met my fiance. :)  As for the person I was obsessed with...after all the soul searching I did I realized...he was really sort of bottom of the barrel material--nothing I had made him out to be in my mind. D:  I do regret not ending things with him sooner because it is possible that we could have been friends in the end---but hey... 

...you live, you learn, and then you write a blog about it.

 

BHC has its own blog :)

Things were getting a bit crowded and confused over at Follow the Stray so I moved us over here.  Hope you all enjoy the new space.

New Body or New Wardrobe?

Thanks to my pregnancy my body has changed a lot this year.  Because of that I've had to focus more attention to my clothing; what works with my body, what doesn't, what cuts and looks are flattering, what looks should I avoid like the plague.  Funny that my interest in fashion would a peak at a time when it would be a waste to spend a lot of time and money on my wardrobe (I'll have to retire it all soon anyway!  No sense getting attached!)  But--I really have been thinking a lot about body image and clothing, not just for pregnant women, but all women (sorry guys, your fashion is rarely on my mind).

I guess my interest in this topic started when I started reading maternity material.  A lot of the articles and literature I would read said it was normal for women to feel self conscious about their bodies, hate how big they were getting, feel like their bodies were ruined.  I thought this was weird because I didn't think those things at all.  Watching my belly expand has been one of my favorite things about pregnancy.  And I actually like the weight I've gained; my cheeks are fuller, my thighs thicker, and my butt--que sexy!  Haha!  I am a little peeved about how big my breasts have gotten because all that I can wear comfortably is maternity sports bras (though they are the most comfortable bras I've ever had.  So wonderful I think I'm just going to wear sports bras from now on haha).  I also am not too thrilled by the extra arm fat I've gained, but not necessarily because of how it looks.  I can't really see it so I don't care all that much about it.  I just don't like how it feels jiggling when I wash the dishes.  It's weird.

Anyway, my point is, I'm just fine with how my body has changed--but there IS one thing that has made me self conscious.

My clothes.

They don't fit.

And now that I'm 32 weeks even my maternity clothes are starting to feel a little snug (I bought this pair of maternity jeans that fit perfectly when my belly first started showing, but now I can't even get them over my thighs--eff you maternity jeans!  What good are you!).


Now when I go out I must waste about an hour sulking in my room because none of my favorite outfits fit right and whatever I'm stuck settling on is never my top pick for the night.

However, I never blame my body for not looking right in my clothes, I blame my clothes for not fitting right!  This, I realize, is a way of thinking not all people have.


Though not as extreme, this self blaming is not uncommon.  I've heard many women (and even more men) degrade their bodies for the sake of their clothes.

Sure their is some media blame to go around.  Everyone wants to look like a celebrity and no one ever really does.  But let's look at that realistically.  Celebs not only have make-up artists, wardrobe personnel, personal trainers, and money to blow on diet pills, plastic surgery, and all that other nonsense--but they also have perfect lighting on set and stage, airbrushing, and digital technology which corrects all their "flaws" before you ever see them on screen or in magazines.  You can't ever look like them, because THEY don't even look like that!

Then of course we can blame the fashion industry for putting out clothes that are meant for one specific body type.  Skinny jeans = not meant for everyone.  Short shorts are not such a good idea for all either.  Those baggy midriff shirts that are out now, yeah...not a good look on everyone either (though I have to say that the longer ones tend to be pretty flattering on most body types).

You can blame just about anyone, but honestly that's not going to make you feel better about who you are and what you look like.

The first step about feeling good about your body is to be honest with yourself.  Some cuts and trends just won't work with your body type and--hey!  That is OKAY!!!  Don't freak out over it!    I for one love Asian street fashion, for example, but the looks tend to favor leaner less curvy bodies (especially up to) so many of the looks really don't work well for me.  Yeah, it sucks when you really like a certain look and it doesn't look right on you, but it sucks even more to buy clothes that make you feel bad.

The most popular trends are not going to always be the ones that look the best on you.  Brush up on the differences between styles in shirts, jeans, dresses, and everything else.  Learn about what looks best on what body type.  You may find that a style you never even considered looks like it was made just for you when you put it on.  For example, right around the time I got pregnant I discovered the high waisted pants and skirts were very flattering on my figure because I had a small waist, but was heavy on top and in my butt and hips.  Before I tried the look out I laughed at anything with a high waist.  I thought it was ridiculous.  After I tried the look, wearing anything low at the waist just seemed blah to me.  Be open minded!

Don't blame yourself for something not looking good on you.  It is NOT your body's fault.  I mean, do people have any idea how hard their bodies work for them?  Your body works for you 24/7; turning food into energy, allowing you to enjoy five senses, getting you from place to place, uhm...keeping you ALIVE.  I think the body deserves just a little more respect than it gets--and clothes that do it justice!   Try a different size, a different style, a different cut.  Try to figure out what it is that isn't working and avoid picking out other things that have that same problem.

If you love something and you love how you look in it then don't worry about what other people have to say about it.  The point of me writing all this is not to get on people for dressing a certain way.  If you feel confident in your clothing then do you.  I'm only saying this for those who aren't happy when they look in the mirror.

Remember, a self conscious person blames their body for their clothes not looking right--but a confident person blames their clothes for not fitting!  Where do you fit in?

Do you look good in your clothes or do your clothes look good on you?

I'm now willing to admit that I have issues.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is easy to move on and forget some people and why it's difficult for others.  It's mostly Jazmine's fault.

Those thoughts mixed with my wonderful hormonally charged mood swings have brought a lot of interesting thoughts and conversations to mind.  Most of which I'm ashamed or embarrassed to talk about because...I mean, come on.  There really is no reason for me to be worrying about things in the past when I'm living in my "happily ever after" is there?  But still I bet even Cinderella wonders about her wicked step family from time to time when staring out at the vast kingdom below from her castle.

I also don't like to admit that I have weaknesses.  That I am...flawed.  That I could possibly let someone unnerve me, weaken me, get under my skin.

And honestly this hasn't happened very much.  I actually don't have a lot of experience "in the field."  I was never one for one night stands or hooking up.  Attempted once or twice but quit before the end because I found it utterly thrill-less.  I like consistency, I guess.  I like to know who I'm with, what they like, what they don't like, what they think of me, and I like it when they know all those things about me too.  In short, I just don't understand sex with strangers.

But anyone that's irrelevant, except for establishing that I'm strictly a relationship person.

And....I've only had 4...well...5...like 4 1/2.  I don't necessarily mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships...there's just been only 5 main players in my love game.  Anyone else was just an extra and rather unimportant :'(.

The first was my first love.  The first guy to break through my man-hating tomboy exterior.  He was sweet but I sometimes resent him because I feel like he weakened my defenses.  I was stone before.  Disinterested in anyone who tried to advance (hey that's what happens when you start developing in the third grade, creeps and perverts hit on you and you end up hating everyone).  This relationship was  difficult at first to get over because of my guilt.  I was the no good dirty heart breaker in this situation and felt really bad for it.  Now it's no big deal.  It's been six years.  I've been done dirty worse than I ever did him.  Once and awhile I'll feel a little twinge of guilt, but mostly I'm over it.

The second....well.  I don't wish to spend more than a few sentences on the second.  Let's just put it this way.  I found out not too long ago that he got hit by a car (not fatally, just hit) and I laughed.  The thought still makes me smile.  This may make me seem really evil, but why don't you take a moment and ask yourself what a person would have to do to you for you to be entertained by the thought of them getting run over.  I'm certain ANYTHING you come up with is something number two did to me.  I guess it's plain to see that forgetting about him was no issue at all.

Three...well...let's come back to three.

Four or the half as I call him only just barely made it into this list.  This was only because if it hadn't been for five my "relationship" with four would have probably would have lasted a bit longer than it did.  Four and five came into my life around the same time.  Four was young and liked to play those stupid kid games.  Five was older and hated games as much as I did.  So I booted out four quick.

Five is my fiance.  Not always so charming, but always my prince :)

So now for the point of all this.  Out of everyone there is only one who makes it difficult to move on.  Number three.

Three wasn't especially good looking or intelligent or well anything really special at all to be honest.  He didn't do much for me, literally.  I was usually the one helping him out, taking care of him, thinking about him.  So...I couldn't understand why he was so hard to forget.  What made him so special?

At first I thought that it was because he was my first REAL love.  That I never really loved anyone before him.  But when I compare my feelings of "love" for him to my fiance now, I don't think that could be it.  It doesn't feel the same.  My "love" for him cannot compare to my feelings of love for my fiance.  In fact, this has made me believe that whenever ANYONE has relationship issues they cannot explain they will always blame it on love.  Poor love gets such a bad rep when obsession, or jealousy, or insecurity, or any number of other things are really the ones to blame.  No.  I can't speak for everyone who has trouble moving on, but I can speak for myself.  Love is not the reason why and I would encourage anyone who believes it's their reason to dig a bit deeper.  Love should never ever be painful.

My second thought was jealousy.  He had, afterall, played me--a sexy sophisticated senior--for a less attractive freshman version of myself...who at first had been "my friend."  Despicable and positively insulting.  It was hard for me to admit to my jealousy so I just tried to ignore it.  I tried not to bring it up (I failed).  I tried not to think about it (I epically failed).  He traded me in, this had to be the reason.  It was a very convincing argument.  But no, the jealousy was definitely there--but it couldn't explain everything.  Jealousy, I realized, was a side effect--not the cause.

I came up with at least a million other reasons why he is the only one I couldn't forget, but all of them just didn't seem good enough.

Then finally the true answer came to me.  It was during a particularly bad mood swing caused by really nothing in particular.  I felt useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, a complete and total waste of space.  The only thing validating me was the little life growing inside me.  Otherwise I felt my existence was completely unimportant.  What good was I?  I was nothing.  For whatever reason three came to mind and that's when I realized how he had hurt me so bad.

He had become a physical manifestation of my worst insecurities. 

In the beginning he had been so nice to me.  He had made me feel extremely special and important.  I felt like I was the sun, air, and stars to him--he was so invested in me.  After having to deal with two this was quite a change.  I felt so GOOD about myself.  I felt pretty and smart and unique and adored.  Things I hadn't felt for a very long time.

Then gradually he pulled back.  He slowly lost interest.  He wasn't the first to initiate conversation.  I wasn't that compelling anymore.  I wasn't someone he was excited to see.  I was a burden, a chore to be around.  I had gone from his superhero to just another face in the crowd.

The change for me had been so abrupt that I didn't know how to handle it.  I...I'm so ashamed with my behavior.  I did a lot of things I shouldn't have.  Said a lot of things that were mean and uncalled for.  I was angry, bitter, injured.

He went on unscathed.  Unfazed by my pain.  I was too much to deal with so he found a little copy of me who was less drama, less mouthy, less crazy.

And all my worst fears, all my darkest thoughts, all the irritating voices I tried to ignore laughed at me.

I really was worthless.  I really was replaceable.  I really was...nothing.  It was so easy for him to move on and forget me and it killed me because I couldn't.  He had made me believe I was important and he had teared it all away.  Smashed it to pieces on the ground and just walked away.

The eyes that had once looked at me with such desire and admiration now stared right through me.

I was invisible.  Erased.  Invalid.

That's why I couldn't let go.  That's why I couldn't forget.  I NEEDED him to see me again.  I NEEDED him to say he was wrong.  I didn't need him back.  I didn't want him back.  I just needed him to tell me I was somebody, that I meant something.

The only reason I couldn't let go was because of that, because I needed him to apologize and tell me that I deserved to live in this world.  That my life has purpose and meaning and that he was sorry he ever made me feel otherwise.

I wanted him to look at me with admiration once more just so I could shut him down and tell him, "Yes, I am important!  Yes, I am better than you!  You dumb fuck!"

These are things I know will never happen.  Even if I were to ever see him again--which is highly unlikely considering he's just graduated and doesn't live anywhere near me (thank God)--I know that the words I want to hear the most will never leave his lips.  In fact, seeing him would probably just add further insult to injury as I am sure he will continue to look right through me and ignore my existence (further proof that people down south only ACT hard when they're really just a bunch of punkass bitches.  I said it, and what?).

No.  I'll never get what I think I want, but now that I know the reason behind the pain I think that maybe I can, at last, let go--or at least do a better job of trying.

In my darkest hours I just want to disappear, I wish I was a robot or a doll someone could just turn off and leave off until I am useful.  But thinking about three made me realize all these insecurities, all these bad thoughts, all these chattering voices in my head--they mustn't REALLY be what I feel about myself.  If my only desire to see him again is to make him admit to me that I AM important doesn't that mean that somewhere...even if it's deep deep inside of...somewhere in me I believe--no--I KNOW I am important and I know that he was wrong and I know all those insecurities are wrong?  I mean, if I truly believed that I was nothing then wouldn't I be more accepting of him believing I was nothing too?

Maybe my trouble with forgetting him isn't about him at all, but my subconscious using him as a representation of my insecurities.  Maybe what my subconscious is telling me that even though I'm happy now these dark things are still present within me and I must find a way to eradicate them.

Seems possible.

But eliminating insecurities is way harder than punishing boys who have hurt your feelings.

I'm cutting off my hair.

I have a hard time letting go.

Like...a really really hard time.

Anything that has even the slightest sentimental value...say a ticket stub to a movie I saw with friends...or the petals from a rose I received for a good performance...any of that, I store away. I keep forever.

Part of the reason is that I'm afraid to forget. My grandfather had Alzheimer's and I guess watching him go through that really traumatized me. I'm so afraid to forget. I mean...sometimes, I want so badly to forget, I wish that forgetting could just come at will--but not for happy things. I am so scared of forgetting happy moments, of being happy in my life, of loving people and of being loved. I never want to forget those kind of things. So I hold on to fragments of memories to remind myself of the times when I was happy. I keep a time capsule...a...survival kit...just in case I ever need to remember.

That's not the only reason I hold on though.

I have abandonment issues. I guess, maybe, that's part of the reason, too. I hold on to people just as I hold on to things. I keep them. I store them away in my heart, sometimes not speaking to or seeing them for years at a time, but I still keep them. Always.

And the ones that I really love, I really want, I try to keep as close to me as the hair on my head.

But I believe I'm old enough now--

No...not old enough.

I believe that I'm wise enough now that you can't hold on to people that way. You can't hold on to them like keepsakes in a treasure box and preserve them forever. Like hair, people grow and even change.

I can't keep people in my life just to remember happy memories...just to remember the times when I was happy with them, especially when those happy moments have become less and less frequent.

Just like I can't just ignore tangles and split ends and frizz just because I'm attached to the length of my hair.


I feel like cutting my hair will be symbolic of the changes I want to make in my life.

Not just in learning how to let go, but for other reasons as well. I want to become a new person. A better person. I want to take all that I've learned and suffered through in my life and I want to mold that into the person I want to be.

I don't want to be held back by the past anymore. I don't want to be held back by the expectations and assumptions people have about me...I have of me...I want to be someone new.

I want to turn my suffering into strength.

If I recreate myself physically I feel like I can motivate myself mentally and emotionally as well.

At last...the Phoenix transformation personified.



I'm doing a lot of planning about the look I want. Everything from the cut to the exact color. This is a project for me; a piece of art. I'm taking a lot of pride in this creation because I want to take a lot of pride in myself, in who I am.

Does this sound vain?

Maybe.

Maybe it is considered vain to put so much effort in one's physical appearance but my opinions on that have really changed lately. As an artist I know that there is so much power in visuals. This is true for art...why should it not be true for the way that we look as well?

The cut and color I want represents the person I want to be.

I want it short. I want to cut away the past, all the heaviness that has been dragging me down. I want to be light as possible so I can reach out and touch the stars! I want to be sprightly an energetic.

I want to be cute.

I never wanted to be sexy or hot or pretty or sexy or beautiful, gorgeous, or even attractive. All I ever wanted was to be cute. The most flattering compliments to me are when I'm called cute.

There's innocence in cute. There's whimsy, and cheerfulness, and imagination, and purity in cute. There's a childlike nature in cute...a nature I want to hold on to for as long as I can.

Everything else is too grown-up, too adult, too frightening. I hear it and I just feel sad. I developed too fast. I had to grow up too fast. I just want to be cute.

The color I want is a winey reddish purple. It's a colour I've loved since seeing it on the petals of some roses in Central Park one summer. Roses alone are pretty special to me, but the colors that blend to make my desired hair color are all very important. Violet, the color of complete understanding and bliss. Purple, the color of creativity, and thought, and wisdom, and sight, and perception. Red, the color of stability, of family, of survival. All those colours combined is exactly what I want and need.


My mom's Xmas present to me this year is a trip to the salon. I don't think she has any idea how much that means to me.

DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND AND GET A NEW ONE

Seriously. I've been saying that a lot lately. Not just of boyfriends (or girlfriends) but of toxic friends in particular.

If you are dating or friends with someone that makes you feel bad, that makes you feel jealous, that just leaves you with an energy drained ucky feeling every time you are done seeing them.

DUMP THEM
CUT THEM
DEAD THEM

Just

GET RID OF THEM!

They're eating your soul! And there are plenty of other people in the world you can date or be friends with.

Think of him as an old broken computer. Why waste all the time and effort (and money) on fixing it when you can get a new even better computer for the same price and none of the drama?

Sure there's sentimental value, but once you get into all the features that come with the new one you'll forget about all that ;)

Soulmates(?) and reality...

I've wanted to write about this but it just sounds soooo corny...I mean. I really can't even put into words how I really feel about this person and how I believe he feels about me.

We aren't together in the traditional sense and I've said some things out of anger about our "relationship" that I regret (debating on taking down the posts...blah)...

The truth is that this person really makes me happy when we are together and it is the purest, cleanest, most genuine happy I have ever shared with a partner.

In the past I felt I was in love when I obsessed over someone and longed for them so bad I felt sick about it. I did anything for these people, for their approval, for their affection...it was...really just very pitiful. I can't believe I was that person not too long ago.

The love I feel now isn't like that at all. That's what makes me feel like this MUST be the real deal.

The old love made me feel horrible about myself unless I was with whoever it was I was with...essentially...putting myself beneath them.

This love elevates me, not above him, but on an equal plane.

In this love I can feel myself getting better, getting stronger, not because of him no...the power doesn't come form him it comes from...I don't know...it comes from us. The power is mine but I would've never found it if he hadn't pointed it out, does that make sense? He saw something special in me I didn't know was there and showed me and...now I love him AND myself.

Maybe that's what the difference is. I love MYSELF.

I don't think I could say that in any other relationship...but I really really really do love myself now :)

Which is why now when I'm upset I'm quick to beat him up for upsetting me D:<

But however harsh my words may be...I never mean them...at least, not for too long.

In this kind of love forgiveness comes as easy and natural as breathing. I think it's because faith is in my blood. I believe in him. I don't get jealous. I don't distrust him. When he tells me something I know in my heart it's true.

He cannot lie to me because I feel his words. He does not need to speak for me to understand. When he is sad I know because I feel his sadness. When he is happy my smile becomes wider. When he is angry I get anxious be I feel his harsh cold energy zap the air out of the room. He can mask himself from all but me and he knows it which is why he never even tries to hide what it feels from me.

He doesn't need to speak for me to understand. We've had whole conversations with only our eyes. Conversations that words could never do justice to because if eyes are the windows to the soul then when our eyes meet our souls dance together with sensational passion.

I don't want to say soulmates. Because that just sounds stupid. And I feel like...the misuse of that term just cheapens our connection. So like the label for our relationship now I choose to call our relationship nothing. It just is. And I think it's beautiful and the greatest power I've ever held.

It is that power that has caused us trouble...and for those who know us and have wondered about our "divide" your nosyness is about to be rewarded lol.

T...erm...the tiger loves me. He really does. He doesn't have to say it for me to know it's true. Like I said I feel it in his energy. In his look...in his touch...in the way he moves...dripping from every word he speaks to me--even those spoken out of frustration I hear and I feel and I see his love, his respect, his reverence. Texts messages and e-mails turn feelings mute and cold. It's hard to tell sometimes what people really mean in them--even with our connection this remains true for us as well. But when I'm with him in person, I know. I feel it so deeply that any shadow of a doubt that may have snuck its way in the corners of my mind is immediately snuffed out. Call me young, naive, a romantic, whatever, I don't care--but until you've felt what I feel you could never understand.

Anyway, the point is, the tiger loves me and there is no way anyone can make me think or believe otherwise.

I love him just as truly.

That wasn't the problem with our relationship. If we had nothing but the two of us we would have been just fine.

The problem was...reality...and how much it sucks to live in it (then people wonder why I like to stow away in my head).

Reality hit the tiger hard. More than he could handle at one time. I won't get into the details of it since that is his life and not my story to tell.

But, opinionated and stubborn as we were, we both devised very smart but very different ways of tackling the reality problem.

In his opinion he needed to isolate himself. He needed to cut off everything excessive and focus on getting everything back on track. Commendable and smart, certainly. But one of his biggest problems was that he wasn't handling our relationship the way he would like to. He felt he was bringing me down. He felt like he wasn't giving me what I needed. He wasn't giving enough to our relationships. He wasn't helping it thrive. He was afraid if he held on to it, it would die.

He didn't want to kill us...so he let me go in hopes that...someway or another, it would save us.

He was right to feel this way. Being with him since he had been...attacked by reality...has been difficult and often very lonely. Not at all what I was used to with him.

I'm not saying that he's wrong at all for ending it, but...that's just...that's just not what I believe in.

I love him. I love him with all my heart, with all my soul. He makes me happy and I will do anything to give that back to him.

Love to me...true love, it's not about what you can out of it...it's not even about what you can give--it's about what you can SHARE together to lift each other up.

When I was sad and scared, when I was hurt, and he was okay he lifted me up. He didn't turn his back on me. I showed him my emotional scars, my dark side, and he stayed with me. He refused to leave my side. He promised to never abandon me no matter what hardships came my way.

So how could I ever do that to him?!

How could I turn my back on the one man that always had mine?!

How could he ask me to leave him behind when he would never do that to me.

I can't. I can't do that.

I used to find marriage as silly and cliche as talk of soulmates and true love, but not anymore not with the values that marriage is supposed to stand for.

For better or for worse, through sickness and in health--I believe in that to my core.

When you love someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. Your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your partner, whoever...whoever it is. When you really love them with all your heart you don't leave them. You don't ever leave them, no matter what.

When someone you love is hurting...is struggling...that is when you need to be the most selfless...that is when you need to put "you" aside and focus on them because that's when they need your love the most. I'm not a fair weather lover. I cannot just walk away when I know someone I love needs support.

All I have to offer him is my love...and I wish...I wish that was enough to make things better, but it isn't. I hope at least that it gives him strength to get through this. I believe it does because...love, you know, love is a pretty damn powerful thing. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize that it's not enough...but I can't lose faith in its power.

"If you love something let it go, and if it doesn't return it was never really yours."

That's what he's living by.

"For better, for worse. Through sickness and in health. As long as you both shall live."

That's what I'm living by.

So who's wrong?

No one. Reality...is not so black and white...is not...so easy to understand.

It's hard. But I keep fighting. He stays resolute in his decision to separate, but I still keep fighting...not to change his mind but to change his life, to do all I can to help things become right again--even if that means standing down and fading into the background.

There is a strong voice inside me that helps me keep faith. That tells me that I need to stay strong for him and even though it's hard sometimes...I do. Because I believe in us. I believe that what we have is worth fighting for, is worth saving, is something most people only ever dream of having, and I'm not letting go! I'm never letting go. Not until he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and his eyes say its true. After all I've been through, after what I've seen, I know that this is something special.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Witnessing him go through this has made me want to work harder at my own life so if and when he does finally make it through we won't have to go through it all again.

I feel stupid to say that I'm waiting for him but...the truth is I'm not interested in anything or anyone else. I'd rather be alone than with another and you know what, that's probably good for me right now anyway. Get my head straight. I'm not waiting, but I'm not going off with the purpose of finding another either. I'm just here. Just me. Doing what feels right to me. What my heart and my soul and, hell, even my min are saying I should do.

And if he never makes it through well...

I will treasure what we shared forever and never regret it. I don't know if I'll ever feel it again with another...I don't know if that's possible, but I understand I'm still very young. Who knows what is out there? I don't...if he never makes it through and we're never "officially together" again I hope that I can at least have him in my life. That's all I want and all I need to be happy. His presence.