The following piece is a bit of real life advice I gave to someone. For their own anonymity and protection I have taken out their name and rewritten their letter to me (as well as gave them one of those little names you read in advice columns and stuff in magazines :P).
Dear Sam,
I hate the person I have become. I try very hard to stay confident and happy, but most of the time it just feels like I am pretending so no one will see how hurt I am. It seems the harder I try to build up my self esteem, the more self conscious I become!
What's worse is this boy that I used to like doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore! I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him, but all he's done is taken me for granted. I just want to forget him and erase him from my life, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
Please help,
WhereIsTheOldMe
Dear WhereIsTheOldMe,
First I'd like to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are not alone! The way you are feeling is natural and just about every person, especially women, that I have spoken to go through this at some point in their lives. I've only recently been able to get over these feelings of inadequacy and, admittedly, sometimes I still relapse. Factoring boys into the equation makes things more difficult. I could tell you to just forget him, but if things were that easy you would have a long time ago wouldn't you?
I wish I could tell you a quick and easy way to get over this, but this is a challenge from God. In life only the strong survive. So now you must ask yourself; are you weak or are you strong? If you are weak you can let these feelings overwhelm and devour you until there is nothing left of you. If you are strong you can fight against them! It isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
So how do you fight? You start to change your way of thinking. For example, instead of wondering what is wrong with you because that boy doesn't like you ask yourself what is wrong with HIM. Get conceited! You are a beautiful, talented, caring young woman whose future is bright. What reject wouldn't want to be with you? What a loser! It's his lose, not yours. There is NOTHING he can offer you that you can't get better somewhere else. You are better than him simply because you know how to connect and care for people. He is inept, incapable of basic human courtesy and he'll suffer for it later. This may sound bad but make a mental list of all the ways you're better than him and you might start to feel better. You'll still think about him, but at least when you do you'll just think about how stupid he is for not realizing how amazing you are!
Aside from that you need to extinguish the negativity that has let loose in your mind. Combat these negative images with a whole list of positive attributes about yourself. Sit down for awhile and on a sheet of paper list 100 things that make you an amazing person. Don't be shy or humble, write it all down. It will be difficult, you may breakdown. I had to do this for myself (thanks to my Prof) and it was very challenging, but you can do it. Fill up this list and inte
rnalize it and every time you are feeling bad, look at it again and even add to it. These positive attributes are your soldiers to fight the darkness. When you think about them and believe in them you give them the strength they need to fight. If you feel the need to stop or feel like you can't do this, fight against those dark feelings. Those feelings of inadequacy are trying to control you. You're right, it's not you, it's a dark evil force trying to control your mind--don't let it win!
You have friends and family members that love you. Hold them. Don't be shy. If you don't want to share how you're feeling with them, that's fine. But tell them that you love them and you will find that regardless of what you may think about yourself, they love and will always love you, too.
Hope this helps,
Sam
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