Boyfriends & "Boyfriends"

With all the advice and the "wisdom" and the blablablah that I give out to all of you and with all of my begging you to share your stories---I have noticed that I have not been so forthcoming with you.

Sure I've ranted a little bit here and there, but for the most part I've purposely left it vague, open, and somewhat impersonal. This is for a few reasons, among which is because the person I care about now likes to keep things private and I {try} to respect that.

So I'm going to try and be a bit more open about my history with this little story about my relationships :P

You'll have to use your imagination a lot to get through it because my mind is very...animated.

Heehee....


******

I used to hate boys.

I used to hate boys because, I think, I used to want to be a boy.

They got to do all the fun stuff and wear the comfy clothes and get the cool toys and all the best shows on TV were made for them.

I love Hot Wheels, and baggy jeans, and big t-shirts, and Dragonball Z.
I hated make-up, and dresses, and the color pink, and doing my hair.

I would pick up worms, and play fight all the other kids, and talk back, and get dirty.
I never talked about all that girly girl crap, or cried when someone picked on me (and if I did cry you bet I made them pay for it!), or painted my nails for fun.

"Boys are stupid!"

Boys are...lucky...awesome...so cool...get everything!

I swore I would never ever ever ever evereverever date a boy.

I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 14.

I say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because it was...
(...as nerdy as it seems {I did mention before I was a nerd right?})
...an online relationship
that lasted 4 years.

I also say "boyfriend" and not boyfriend because...
...teenagers are fucking stupid and don't know anything about relationships or love. They think cus they've watched all the Disney movies they can get their hands on and maybe a few episodes of Baywatch or 90210 or One Tree Hill or (c'mon Sam...what do teenagers watch nowadays??? LMFAO...) Gossip Girl(?) or I don't know...I guess some of that reality TV crap...what was my point?

Oh yeah. Teenagers think just cus they got a little hint of the adult life mixed in with their childhood glamorization of what it means to grow-up and fall in love they know everything.

They don't fucking know anything.

In fact, I'm not even saying people my age know anything.

Generally speaking, young people are...

...idiots.

At least when it comes to love.

Anyway.

I also say "boyfriend" instead of boyfriend because...
...out of the four years we were together I saw him in person maybe 4 times.
Now don't get me wrong. An intellectual relationship is just as important as a physical relationship....but not more important. Through my experience I find that there are certain things that just cannot be said or felt or understood unless you're physically with someone.

A relationship that lacks face-to-face presence lacks a lot.


I love him. Or at least I thought I did....

No I loved him. I still love him...in a certain way...a special way, but not in an "in love" sort of way.

I think I was with him because that's what normal girls were supposed to do. Have boyfriends.

He made me happy.

When I talk to him, he still makes me happy (we've recently become friends again).

He is genuinely a good person and honestly...there just aren't enough of those in the world.

I was happy to have him in my life because my teen years were among the darkest and hardest I've ever felt and he was a constant light in a shadows; the voice of a guardian angel pushing me to move on.

And I did push on...all the way to college...

When I slayed that angel to team up with the devil.



There were signs.
There were so many signs that I shouldn't have done it.
Trying to stop me....

The letters of our name spelled "trouble."
A diamond in the ring the angel gave me fell out when I was with the devil.
A necklace the angel gave me mysteriously and without any force or pull snapped around my neck and fell to the ground in the devil's presence.
In my animated world the devil (long before I saw him for what he was) took on the persona of a tall lanky shadow figure with no notable features except is pointy horn like ears, long claws, and evil Cheshire cat smile.

There were so many signs to stay away...
But my self destructive nature ignored all that and stepped deep into the darkness.


The devil stole two years of my life and a large portion of my soul.
He took it and shredded it before my eyes and devoured it raw.

He killed me many times. I used to be a black cat. He ate eight of my nine lives.
With each life lost I forgot more and more about who I used to be...who I wanted to be...who I was. I had no dreams, no ambitions, I was a ghost.

No.

Worse than a ghost.
Must've been.

Because ghosts...ghosts have something they hold on to in order to keep themselves tethered to this world. I had nothing, wanted nothing. My life was so so empty.

The devil got drunk of my life energy, my soul, my dreams, he ate me alive.

Until I was on my last life.

He tried to take it...He tried to stomp my light out for good. Gobble me up so that I was no more and so that he could move on to the next.

But a fire ignited in my chest...
I realize now it was the remnants of my soul fighting for life.

The black cat ran away...all the way to Italy to escape the devil.

Thank God for customs, visas, metal detectors, and outrageous plane ticket prices or the devil may have gotten me. ;)

The black cat may have gotten away...but I was wounded and I could not heal fast enough.


I tried to give what was left of my heart to a few in hopes that one of them might save me. These were neither "boyfriends" or boyfriends but...

Rebounds.

Sad...
Regrettable...
Rebounds...

None of which made me better. In fact...the shame of it all was what stomped the black cat's lights out for good.

I died in Italy.

My corpse laid rotting, smelling, and disgusting...it was so sickening the ghost of me lit it on fire and stomped it out.

But from the black cat's ashes two creatures sprung; the dark cynical and clever fox, and the fiery beautiful, yet naive phoenix. My soul was reborn again--but it was divided. My heart and mind were now ruled by the two opposing forces of my soul.


When I returned to the states the fox wanted to play wicked games with other people. It did not want to hurt or be toyed with but wasn't necessarily opposed to hurting or toying with others. It stood proudly, pretending not to care at all about the world around it, but shook its beautiful shiny red tail around to make sure attention was had.

A naive little pup took the bait and tagged along.

The fox me found the pup to be a pest but at the same time amusing enough to not shoo away completely. The phoenix was charmed and adored the pup immediately.

The fox warned the phoenix not to fall in love.
But the phoenix didn't listen.

The pup wasn't a boyfriend or a "boyfriend" but a {boyfriend}. That's when the {boyfriend} is silent. For example; this is {my boyfriend} Pup.

The phoenix in me was still so young and naive. It still craved love and attention and, in truth, the pup was kinder and gentler and sweeter than the devil ever was.

Naive as I was I fell for the bait.

I believe that because he was so kind to me (at first) he was somewhat of a savior (sad I know). I became so reliant on him his love, his affection, his attention, were all like a drug to me. I felt I needed it to survive. If he wasn't there...if he wasn't with me...my light would burn out again. I was scared to turn to ash.

I suffocated him with my drug addict love and as the pup grew into a dog he grew tired of the phoenix. He really wanted the fox, but the fox loathed him. She had hidden herself away inside me, waiting for the right moment to lash out. All that was left was the baby phoenix. The dog disapproved, jumped the fence, and ran away in search of new foxes to chase.

I was devastated. I moped and moped and moped....even though the dog was a {boyfriend} he had felt like a boyfriend to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was only ever just a "boyfriend"....actually worse than that...a "{boyfriend}"

"{Boyfriends}" are only there when they want to be, never when you need them.

"{Boyfriends}" hate when you call them "boyfriends" and especially when you call them boyfriends because they're just "{boyfriends}"

BUT

They're quick to call you "girlfriend" or girlfriend when their territory is threatened.

See...

"{Boyfriends}" want all of the fun and none of the responsibility.

"{Boyfriends}" want lots of "girlfriends" and {girlfriends} but they can't handle "{girlfriends}" because that would mean that their games are being played on them.

I've lost you haven't I?

Let me pause for a second to give you a lesson in Sam's Relaitonshipology.

Boyfriends are the simplest. They're just boyfriends. You call them your boyfriend, they respond to being your boyfriend. When you introduce them you say, "This is my boyfriend, Soandso."

"Boyfriends" are slightly more complicated. There are a few categories to them but they're all called "boyfriends." "Boyfriends" are boyfriends that (1) don't really count all that much; elementary school and a good portion of high school relationships may be counted in this, (2) someone you're embarrassed to be your boyfriend, (3) someone you call your boyfriend and...it's okay...but it's not necessarily true. Generally speaking (1) is the best explanation, a relationship that is superficial and doesn't really count for much but you get to use the title of boyfriend anyway.

Then there's {boyfriends} someone who acts like a boyfriend but the title of boyfriend was never officially given. The biggest problem with {boyfriends} is that you can't get mad at them for being bad boyfriends, because they're not boyfriends, they're {boyfriends}. {Boyfriends} can range anywhere from a secret affair to a guy that's two-timing you to an ex-boyfriend that you still have lingering feelings for. For this reason {boyfriends} can either be good or evil. However...

"{Boyfriends}" should be avoided at all costs. These are the worst of the worst. This type will deny deny deny being your "boyfriend" until it is most convenient for them. They SUCK MAJOR. When they want to go out and they want to see other people they will say things like "well it's not like I'm you're boyfriend...we aren't really together you know." BUT when you want to turn around and do the same thing to them they'll say "but...you know...I consider myself your boyfriend. I care about you a lot." WTF. "{Boyfriends}" are the personification of the trying to have your cake and eating it too.

Little fuckers.

(Do you sense my bitterness and resentment?)

So the dog went from {boyfriend} to "{boyfriend}" and broke the baby phoenix's heart. That's when the fox re-emerged and gave the phoenix a good ol' bitchslap to the beak.

The fox swore it would never be hurt again and without realizing sought out the perfect boyfriend.

This boyfriend had had his share of girlfriends, "girlfriends," {girlfriends}, and "{girlfriend}" and he was tired.

I met him and an instant union was created. For the first time ever I felt like I was in love and not "love." It wasn't that drug addict love, or that disney fairytale love, it was that hard love.

That...you-make-me-so-mad-sometimes but I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-ever-stay-mad-at-you love.

That...I-understand-you-even-though-you-didn't-say-anything love.

That...I-don't-agree-with-what-you-just-said but I-genuinely-respect-your-opinion love.

That...You-REALLY-DO-make-me-better love.

That...Damn-the-cliches but I-never-believed-in-soulmates...til-I-met-you love.

That...Shit-every-thought-I-have-about-you-is-a-love-poem love.

And I wish I could say this story ends with a happy ending.
I...united with a true boyfriend at last....a true love at last.

I wish I could say, "and they lived happily ever after."
The End.

But what people don't seem to get is that in life there are no happily ever afters.
A curtain doesn't fall when you get the guy (or girl).
We don't freeze frame a smiling couple at a wedding in real life.
We don't fade to black and show a slide show of happy images of a new blossoming family as the credits roll.
That's not how life works.

There is no such thing as "happily ever after..."
As cynical as it sounds it's true.

Life is hard and bad things happens. Everything in life changes. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry, we feel lonely, we feel joy...we are always changing.

And that's okay.

My love for the last...let's call him my tiger. My love for the tiger has only strengthened over time. I do not call him my boyfriend anymore or my "boyfriend." I suppose in a way he is a {boyfriend} but to me he feels so much more than that. Our relationship transcends labels you see...for the first time ever I don't care what I call him. I don't have to call him anything. He doesn't need a title...he just needs to be there.

I can live my life without him. I can find happiness elsewhere. I can meet new people. I can find a whole array of "boyfriends" and boyfriends and {boyfriends} and plenty of "{boyfriends}". But...I don't want to. I'm content with solely his presence in my life...however large or small it may be...

I could go on and on about it...I can even go into how upset I get when these statements feel untrue to me for whatever reason...but blah...it's unnecessary.

I suppose the moral of the story is...if I had just stopped looking for boyfriends and just opened up to connecting to other people without any intention of labeling our relationships I feel I would have avoided a lot of unfavorable situations in my life and may have cherished some new ones.

Who knows what I would have done. All I know is what I can do now. And that's be happy and grateful for the people that are in my life who make me happy and make me feel good. Those people are important...and I don't care what label people in the future may come with...if they don't make me happy they're out...end of story.